Larry Quinn

"Oh, I think you're gonna love it! It's just like summer camp, except with brutal forced marches and soul-crushing discipline."

- Larry Quinn to Conrad about military school.

Lawrence "Larry" Quinn is the main antagonist of the 2003 live action film adaptation of The Cat in the Hat. He is the Waldens' pompous neighbor who wants to marry Joan Walden for her wealth and get rid of her son Conrad by sending him to military school.

He was portrayed by Alec Baldwin.

Personality
Briefly appearing humble, Larry sets himself up as an ideal boyfriend to Joan, but in reality he's an unemployed deadbeat living in financial debt and wants her fortune. He has very poor manners, such as burping in front of others. He doesn't truly love Joan, just using her as a pawn in his plan to gain an easier lifestyle. He also dislikes being called Larry. He is too lazy to work for a living, has gluttony, (using a girdle to cover up his large gut, much to his discomfort), and poor hygiene; evidenced by having false teeth and dirty laundry scattered across his home.

Larry is also very vain, arrogant, and hypocritical as he compliments himself as "perfect", despite being a disgusting slob. He also has a manipulative side, using it on Joan to get her to agree with him.

He loathes Conrad as he thinks of him as a stupid kid and a rule-breaker who will never amount to anything in life. At first, he suggested he wanted to send Conrad into military school to straighten up his behavior, but it turns out that he only wants to do it to get rid of him. It's possible that he also despises Conrad's sister Sally (and other children) as well as he calls her a "suck up" for her submissive loyalty to her mother, even attempting to get rid of her by catching her in trouble as well.

Lawrence ends up making a fool of himself after trying to turn Joan against her kids, the only result is a disgusted Joan dumping him for his actions.

History
Larry first appears posing as a real estate agent, returning Joan’s dog Nevins to her after Conrad gets into trouble for messing up the house. He believes the disobedient boy should be sent to military school to discipline him, though Joan is unsure of the offer despite Conrad’s misbehavior. Conrad overhears his conversation with his mother, saying he is not going to military school. Lawrence immediately displays his arrogance by verbally abusing Conrad, but complimenting himself. He then leaves claiming to have a meeting, though Conrad spots him exiting his car and returning to his house after Joan drives away.

Later on, Larry confronts Conrad and Sally jumping on their couch. He reveals his true colors by calling Sally a ‘suck-up’. He then shows his gross and selfish side by stealing some beer and bread and burping into their faces. He leaves after his allergy to cat dander surfaces after the Cat in the Hat's fur falls near him.

Lawrence's later revealed as a rude, disgusting, careless, overweight slob. He's too lazy to get job to pay off his debts and lives in finacial ruin, so he poses as a real estate agent to get Joan's approval and hand in marriage in order to inherit her wealth and sponge off her. As several repo men arrive to repossess his TV, much to his dismay, after he fails to bribe them with an expired credit card, he sees Nevins running on the streets again and seizes this as an opportunity to get the kids in trouble. He calls Joan on the phone and reports this. Larry brings up the early discussion of military school, which she reluctantly considers. When her boyfriend just hangs up after an unempathetic response to her feelings on the matter, Joan grows suspicious of Lawrence and begins to doubt him.

He then kidnaps Nevins, planning to deliver him to Joan, but the Cat (posing as a hippie) tricks him into giving Nevins back to the kids.Larry soon realizes the deception after seeing Conrad, Sally, and the Cat scamper off with Nevins as they attempt to hurry home. The Cat drags Larry into his secret place, located in a telephone booth, and manages to get him lost. He whines when he is unable to find them after exiting. Larry then goes over to Joan’s office and convince her to go back to the house with him to ensure that her kids were up to no good, constantly nagging her to hurry home. However, they get pulled over by Thing 1 and Thing 2 (posing as police officers).

Seeing the trio in his car, Lawrence decides to take matters into his own hands by stealing one of the Thing’s motorcyles to drive to Joan’s house himself and tells her to meet him there. There, he catches the kids and plans to have them punished by their mother and is surprised to see that the house is clean. At that point, the Cat personally appears to startle Larry, who sneezes and stattegers into a wall. He screams "JUDAS PRIEST" while falling to his death in a purple river, revealing the Cat’s world.

Upset by the turn of events and that house being ruined, Conrad and Sally decide to take full responsibility for what happened and face punishment from their mother. Fortunately, the Cat and the Things fix up the house to its original state (much to the kids’ delight). In the meantime, Lawrence is revealed to have survived his ordeal. He's covered in purple goo after being flushed from the house through a small pipe. Recovering, a last dosage of sludge splashes on his face, greatly grossing him.

After the Cat and the Things have left, Joan returns home to a clean house and warm greetings from her kids and Mrs. Kwan before being startled by Lawrence covered in purple slime. Seething in anger, he hysterically explains the events that occurred but Joan finds them hard to believe. He tells her she's missing a perfect opportunity and asks her who she'll believe. Joan admits that while Conrad's behavior can go to the point that she could rip her hair off in frustration, she deems he's a good kid and believes in him. With newfound resistance to his manipulations, she dumps Larry and demands him to leave her home. He can only snivel her name as she's tears up the military school brochure and plasters it on his sticky chest. He breaks down in tears and falls on his knees. He soon catches a sneeze in his hands and leaving a snot trail between his nose and hands, much to Joan's repulse. Lawrence makes a desperate marriage proposal, but Joan rejects him for his revolting nature and finally closes the door on him as he's heard sobbing.

It is unknown what happened to Larry afterwards, though a deleted scene shows him exiting the porch while spotting Nevins licking off a purple goo splotch on the walkway. Angered he's lost his chance at a life of luxury, Lawrence attempts to kick the dog as revenge against the Waldens. To his surprise, the purple goo transforms Nevins into a larger dog and allows him to fight back by ripping Lawrence’s pants off, much to his embarrassment. Nevins then chases a frightened Larry away while the several repo men are towing Larry's car away.

It is likely Lawrence will eventually be homeless unless he finds a true employment.

Quotes
"Hey, sport! Call me "Lawrence", okay?"

- Larry to Conrad when he's first greeted as "Larry".

"The military academy for troubled youth is what we in salesmen call a win-win scenario!"

- Larry trying to convince Joan to get Conrad into military school.

"It's only eight hours away!"

- Larry telling Joan not to worry about how far military school is for Conrad.

"I don't like you either, but I'm gonna marry your mom!"

- Larry admitting how he really feels about Conrad and his intentions towards Joan.

"And if it was up to me, you'd be in military school today!"

- Larry vowing to send Conrad off to military school as punishment.

"Sally, baby, angel, princess, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret, okay..... NOBODY LIKES A SUCK-UP!!"

- Larry showing his true colors to Sally.

"Good bread!"

- Larry eating Sally and Conrad's food without their permission and belching loudly, much to their disgust.

"Is there a cat in here?"

- Larry sneezing from the Cat in the Hat (who is clinging to the ceiling above him) shedding his fur.

"You know, Nevins, when Joan finds out you've escaped again, Conrad will be moving out and I'll be moving in."

- Larry verbally abusing the pet dog Nevins about his plans for the Walden family.

"I can't believe you whizzed on my taco! Wait till Joan gets a load of you!"

- Larry getting angry at Nevins for urinating on his food out of revenge.

"COME BACK HERE!! I'm on to you, kids!!"

- Larry chasing Conrad and Sally after they get the Cat in the Hat to trick him into handing over Nevins.

"Not so fast, you little maggots! Oh, you are SO busted! Now get inside!"

- Larry ambushing Conrad and Sally at their house and prepared to have them punished.

"Why am I sneezing? (Cat taps on Larry's shoulder. Larry turns around) (Cat: That'd be me. BOO! Hahaha!) You're a GIANT... (sneezes more)...... CAAAAT!!! (falls off a cliff) JUDAS PRIEEEST!"

- Larry meeting the Cat in the Hat in person while sneezing before falling into the Cat's world.

"They happened to me: your demonic children. THEY DESTROYED YOUR HOUSE!! The house was alive, the wall was made of paper, I fell off a cliff.... and THE GIANT CAT!! The giant cat! Tell her! (Conrad: Larry, Larry, you look terrible, and my mom thinks you're insane. This... is what we in sales call... a win-win scenario.) Joan, you're passing off the opportunity of a lifetime, you know what kind of kid your boy is! I mean, who are you going to believe?! (Joan: You're right. I do know what kind of kid Conrad is. He can be irresponsible...) Yes! (Joan:... he makes bad choices....) Yes! (Joan:.... sometimes he makes me want to tear my hair out....) Yes! Yes! Yes! (Joan: ...but he's a good kid, and I believe in him. Now, I'd like you to leave.) Wha.. Joan?!"

- Larry unsuccessfully trying to get Joan to believe him instead of her children.

{{Quote|{Salesman: Want to buy the big one today? Larry: Don't do that. Salesman: Oh no sir, you don't want that one we just repossessed it from some deadbeat. {Ironically referring to Larry} Uh, maybe I can show you a big screen. Larry: Yeah all I can afford. Wait! Wait! What if I told you I want to put a little down now, somewhere in the two to four dollar range, and come back, and then pay off the whole thing in two weeks? Salesman: Are you planning on winning the lottery? Larry: Even better. I'm going to ask my girlfriend to marry me! Salesman: Wonderful. Larry: Thanks to this dork the bratty kids can be shipped off to military school and I'll turn his bedroom into a home theatre! Show me the biggest screen!|Larry strikes a deal with a salesman at the TV store while bragging about his evil plans.}} "Will you marry me, Joan? Oh, Joan, Joan, Joan, Joan! (sobs as the door closes on him)"

- Lawrence before he's rejected by a disgusted Joan and pushed out of the Waldens' home.

"Hold still while I kick the tar out of YOU! (Nevins growls back and grows) AAH!! Oh! AAH! LET GO!! LET GO OF MY LEG!!! AAH!!!"

- Larry's last words as he's being chased by a transformed Nevins while attempting to kick him out of rage.