The Protagonist (Albuquerque)

"That's when I swore that someday, someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer, and the towels are oh so fluffy. Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long, and anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel!"

- The protagonist discussing his dreams.

The unnamed Protagonist is the main character of the song "Albuquerque" by comedy artist Alfred "Weird Al" Yankovic. He is a man trying to escape from life with his abusive mother to live out his fantasies in Albuquerque, New Mexico.

History
As a child, the protagonist was forced to live in a box under the basement stairs in his home. He claims much of his childhood was "just peachy", with the exception of the fact that his mother made him eat sauerkraut every morning for breakfast. He eventually got tired of this and asked his mother why she only fed him sauerkraut for breakfast, causing her to yell that it was good for him. She then tied him to the wall, stuck a funnel in his mouth, and force-fed him nothing but sauerkraut until he was 26 and a half years old. This was the point where the protagonist decided he would someday get away to a new place where he could live out his fantasies.

The next day, a local radio station had a contest to see who could most correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nemoy's butt. Though he was off by three, the protagonist still guessed the closest and won the grand prize: a first-class, one-way ticket to Albuquerque, New Mexico.

On the airplane ride to Albuquerque, the protagonist was forced to sit between two Albanian women with bad body odor and a little kid who kept throwing up. The flight attendants ran out of confections, the inflight movie was Biodome, and three of the airplane engines burned out, leading the plane to crash and kill everyone except the protagonist, who survived due to having his tray table up and his seat back in the full upright position.

The protagonist gathered his luggage that survived the crash and crawled for three days until he reached Albuquerque and a Holiday Inn. He checked in and was getting settled when he received an unexpected visit from a man with only one nostril. The man broke into his room and tried to steal his lucky snorkel, leading the two to get into a fight that the protagonist lost.

The protagonist swore to get revenge, but first decided to buy donuts. He drove to the donut shop and encounted a rude cashier who offered him nothing but a box of crazed weasels. The protagonist bought them, and the weasels attacked his face. As he ran out of the shop in terror, he bumped into a woman named Zelda. The two instantly fell in love, and after a brief courtship, got married and had two children. However, one night, Zelda asked him if he wanted to join the Colombia Record Club. The protagonist was offended by this and told her he was not ready for that kind of commitment. The protagonist left his family, never to see them again.

Later, the protagonist got a part-time job as an employee at The Sizzler restaurant. He saved the restaurant by putting out a grease fire with his face, leading to him becoming employee of the month, but being on the receiving end of jealousy from his coworkers. He describes a time where he saw his coworker Marty attempting to carry a large sofa up stairs by himself. When the protagonist offers help, Marty says, "No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw." Not understanding that it was sarcasm, the protagonist does so, leaving Marty as just a head and torso. Marty survived, now having the unfortunate nickname of "Torso Boy".

The protagonist then recalls a time where he was approached by a homeless man who told him he "hadn't had a bite in three days". The protagonist knows what he means, but thinking that it is funny, takes a bite out of the man's jugular vein. The man bleeds to death screaming, but the protagonist simply tries to explain the joke to him.

The protagonist then says that the whole point he is trying to make by telling his story is that he hates sauerkraut and encourages miserable people to come to Albuquerque.