Larry Quinn

"Oh, I think you're gonna love it! It's just like summer camp, except with brutal forced marches and soul-crushing discipline."

- Larry Quinn to Conrad about military school

"I'm sending Conrad away!!!"

- Larry singing

Lawrence "Larry" Quinn is the main antagonist of the 2003 live action film adaptation of The Cat in the Hat. He is the Waldens' evil next-door neighbor who is determined to both marry Joan for her wealth and get rid of her kids Conrad and Sally.

He was portrayed by Alec Baldwin, who would later go on to voice Dennis and Makunga and had previously portrayed Nicholas Kudrow and Mark Cordell.

Personality
Larry sets himself up as an ideal boyfriend to Joan, but in reality he is a greedy and unemployed fat slob with false teeth that lives in financial debt and wants Joan's money. He has very poor manners, such as burping in public. He is in love with Joan but only because she is richer than he is.

Larry is also very vain and arrogant as he compliments himself as "perfect", even if he is a fat, disgusting slob. He also has a manipulative side to him and tries to manipulate Joan to get on his side about Conrad and Sally. He is also apparently allergic to cats, as shown in the film when he sneezes in the presence of the Cat in the Hat.

He dislikes Conrad as he thinks of him as 'a stupid kid, a rule-breaker and a compulsive liar who will never amount to anything in life'. At first, he suggested he wanted to send Conrad into military school to straighten up his behavior, but it turns out that he only wants to do it to get rid of him. It's possible that he also despised Conrad's sister Sally as well as he calls her a "suck up" for being a sycophant towards Joan, even attempting to get rid of her by catching her in trouble as well.

Eventually, Larry ends up making a fool of himself after trying to turn Joan against her kids, which resulted an annoyed Joan to dump him for his actions, much to his dismay.

History
Larry first appears posing as a real estate agent, returning Joan's dog Nevins to her after Conrad gets into trouble for messing up the house. He also suggests sending Conrad to military school to straighten up his behavior, though Joan is unsure of the offer despite Conrad's misbehavior. Conrad overhears his conversation with his mother, saying he is not going to military school. Larry immediately displays his arrogance by verbally abusing Conrad, but complimenting himself. He then leaves without a trace, though Conrad spots him exiting the car and returning to his house after Joan leaves.

Later on, Larry reveals himself as an unemployed slob as he confronts Conrad and Sally jumping on their couch, even calling Sally a 'suck-up'. He then shows his gross and selfish side by stealing some beer and bread and burping into their faces before returning back to his house, which is in ruins. Several repo men arrived to have Larry's TV repossessed, much to his distraught. He then finds Nevins running on the street again, and planned to exploit this to get the kids into trouble. He calls Joan on the phone and attempts to manipulate her to get on his side, but Joan starts to get suspicious about his true motives. He then kidnaps Nevins, planning to deliver him to Joan, but the Cat in the Hat (posing as a hippie) tricks him into giving Nevins back to the kids.

Larry soon realized that he has been tricked after seeing Conrad, Sally, and the Cat scamper off with Nevins as they attempt to hurry home. The Cat drags Larry into his secret place, located in a telephone booth, and manages to get him lost. He whines when he is unable to find them after exiting. Larry then goes over to Joan's office and convince her to go back to the house with him to ensure that her kids were up to no good. However, they get pulled over by Thing 1 and Thing 2 (posing as police officers), and Larry decides to take matters into his own hands by stealing one of the Thing's motorcyles to drive to Joan's house himself, telling Joan to meet him there. There, he catches the kids and plans to have them punished by their mother, but is surprised to see that the house is clean. At that point, the Cat personally appears to Larry, who sneezes (as he is allergic to cats), tearing through a wall and falling off a bottomless cliff screaming, revealing the Cat's world and causing the house to be messed up.

Upset by the turn of events, Sally and Conrad decide to take full responsibility for what happened and face punishment from their mother, but the Cat and the Things fixed up the house to its original state (much to Sally and Conrad's delight). In the meantime, Larry ends up surviving while being covered in purple goo after being flushed from the house through a small pipe. After the Cat and the Things leave, Joan returns home, only to see that everything is just the way it is. However, Larry arrives to the scene, furious at the kids due to the humiliation that he went through. He attempts to explain the events that occurred, but Joan doesn't believe him and instead tells him to leave, even tearing up the military school brochure and sticking it into Larry's sticky chest. This leaves Larry in tears as Joan finally closes the door on him. It is unknown what happened to him afterwards (though a deleted scene shows him being chased by a mad dog while repo men are towing his car away).

Quotes
"Hey, sport! Call me "Lawrence", okay?"

- Larry to Conrad when he's first greeted as "Larry".

"The military academy for troubled youth is what we in salesmen call a win-win scenario!"

- Larry trying to convince Joan to get Conrad into military school.

"It's only eight hours away!"

- Larry telling Joan not to worry about how far military school is for Conrad.

"I don't like you either, but I'm gonna marry your mom!"

- Larry admitting how he really feels about Conrad and his intentions towards Joan.

"And if it was up to me, you'd be in military school today!"

- Larry vowing to send Conrad off to military school as punishment.

"Sally, baby, angel, princess, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret, okay..... NOBODY LIKES A SUCK-UP!!"

- Larry showing his true colors to Sally.

"Good bread!"

- Larry eating Sally and Conrad's food without their permission and belching loudly, much to their disgust.

"Is there a cat in here?"

- Larry sneezing from the Cat in the Hat (who is clinging to the ceiling above him) shedding his fur.

"You know, Nevins, when Joan finds out you've escaped again, Conrad will be moving out and I'll be moving in."

- Larry verbally abusing the pet dog Nevins about his plans for the Walden family.

"I can't believe you whizzed on my taco! Wait till Joan gets a load of you!"

- Larry getting angry at Nevins for urinating on his food out of revenge.

"COME BACK HERE!! I'm on to you, kids!!"

- Larry chasing Conrad and Sally after they get the Cat in the Hat to trick him into handing over Nevins.

"Not so fast, you little maggots! Oh you are SO busted! Now get inside!"

- Larry ambushing Conrad and Sally at their house and prepared to have them punished.

"Why am I sneezing? (Cat: That'll be me. *laughs*) You're a GIANT... (sneezes more)...... CAAAAT!!!"

- Larry meeting the Cat in the Hat in person while sneezing before falling into the Cat's world.

"They happened to me: your demonic children. They DESTROYED YOUR HOUSE!! The house was alive, the wall was made of paper, I fell off a cliff.... and the GIANT CAT!! The giant cat! Tell her! (Conrad: Larry, Larry, you look terrible, and my mom thinks you're insane. This... is what we in sales call... a win-win scenario.) Joan, you're passing off the opportunity of a lifetime, you know what kind of kid your boy is! I mean, who are you going to believe?! (Joan: You're right. I do know what kind of kid Conrad is. He can be irresponsible...) Yes! (Joan:... he makes bad choices....) Yes! (Joan:.... sometimes he makes want to tear my hair out....) Yes! Yes! Yes! (Joan: ...but he's a good kid, and I believe in him. Now, I'd like you to leave.) Wha.. Joan?!"

- Larry unsuccessfully trying to get Joan to believe him against Conrad.

"Will you marry me, Joan? Oh, Joan, Joan, Joan, Joan! (cries as the door closes on him)"

- Larry's last words before he is rejected by Joan and pushed out of the Waldens' home.