Lord Valumart

"Behold the Valumart octopus! We don't make the elevators - we make them SLOWER!"

- Valumart's evil plan

'Lord Valumart is the main antagonist of the Barry Trotter parody books, a parody series of Harry Potter. Lord Valumart is essentially a bad guy cliche played for laughs, as the author Michael Gerber knows very well.

Backstory
In this parody of the exceedingly famous Harry Potter books, Lord Valumart was mates with Harry Potter (Barry Trotter's) parents. However, they fell out because Lord Valumart wanted to conquer the industries of the planet and the Trotters just didn't want to get a real job. Not feeling their pain, Valumart killed them and then set about building his business empire.

His plans had a little flaw, however: young Barry Trotter was a whiny little brat. His parents, sick of the whingeing, marked their son with an Interrobang, which reacted to Dork magic. Barry defeated Lord Valumart, as He Who Smells was exiled to Argentina.

Muzak
Valumart conceived the art of Muzak, and with this he plotted to take over the business empire, establishing (he hopes) a steady plan for world domination. Using the foolishness of Muddles (non magical folks) as bait, Valumart profits by slowly destroying the Muddle merchandise - i.e. he makes elevators slower, he makes escalators more faulty, he makes movies more atrocious.

Barry Trotter and the Inevitable Attempt to Cash In
The new movie, Barry Trotter and the Inevitable Attempt to Cash In broke all box office records, as it was the latest biographical story of the young wizard penned by his biographer, JG Rollins (a parody of JK Rowling). She had been kidnapped by Lord Valumart and enslaved to Wagner Brothers movie company. However, Barry Trotter and his friends Ermine Cringer (parody of Hermione) and Lon Measly and his brothers (parody of Ron Weasley) rescue the brainwashed author. Then they find out that she was forcibly enslaved by the industry to write Barry Trotter series for them, no matter the cost. Valumart possibly brainwashed Trotter's godfather, Serious, to harass Barry for money and make Serious appear insane, but this is unconfirmed. All Barry knows is that giving his godfather money is as dangerous as giving an arsonist your gas station card.

Valumart disguised himself as Trevor Nunally, JG Rollins' charming butler, to charm the group when they track down the author. Then Valumart reveals his "disguise" is false, thus tryng to fool the group. However, he does charm Ermine, and loans them a shark to use (the new wizarding transport craze, and an obvious spoof of the term "loan shark").

Desperate to either kill or brainwash Barry, Valumart appears on television when the Trotter is travelling to meet his favourite band, Valid Tumor Alarm, in California. Valumart brags to Barry how the Dork side is perfect. He says to Barry that all this wealth could be his. He also insults the Trotters, saying Barry's parents hoped he'd be a lawyer and not a rich, famous wizard.

After sending a Trappist monk to kill the group, Valumart himself disguises himself as his alter-ego, Art Valumord, (lead singer of Valid Tumor Alarm) and he boards Barry's train carriage. He summons Barry to his crib, then reveals himself as the Dork Lord. After mocking Barry for leaving his wand behind in his excitement, Barry is imprisoned in the south of France in the Dork Lord's dungeon. Valumart is impressed with how Barry defeated him so much before, he gives him what he calls "the James Bond special." He then brags about his evil plans (including Ermine wedding the Dork Lord and Lon becoming their lieutenant) when really he ought to kill Barry. Just when he is about to kill Barry, a voice yelled "CUT!"

Behind the Scenes
This was revealed to be nothing more than an elaborate movie: the real "Barry Trotter and the Inevitable Attempt to Cash In." Barry had slept throughout most of it, but he confessed it wasn't very true to life: the real Valumart swore a lot more.

Later on, Valumart abandons his quest to kill Barry, even joining in on Barry's parties in the sequel.