Deadpool (X-Men Movies)

Wade Wilson (better known as Deadpool) is a- wait, what are you doing; you're not supposed to be narrating this; NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!-

Well, go suck my dick, you little douchebag of a narrator.

Hey, fans. Wade Wilson here. I'm that sexy Ryan Reynolds incarnation you're all here for. You might remember me from that shitty movie X-Men Origins: Wolverine. At least I have my own movie now!

In X-Men Origins: Wolverine, I played a supporting protagonist turned tertiary antagonist, and in my upcoming own movie I'll play the main protagonist.

Sh*t Timeline
Back when I was still known as Wade Wilson and the Merc with a Mouth, I was a soldier and mercenary with enhancements far beyond human reflexes and agility due to being a mutant. During the Vietnam War, I was a member of a Black Ops group called Team X under the command of William Stryker. The team I worked with also included Wolverine, Sabretooth and others. Stryker expressed that I would have become the "perfect soldier" if I couldn't keep my mouth shut due to my fast chatter. He promptly turned me into Weapon XI, or "Deadpool" in his eyes, and gave me a shitload of mutant powers in exchange for sealing my goddamn mouth! (Ever since, that version of me was forever nicknamed Dudepeel. Ugh. Whatever happened to Sexy Reynolds?! Plus, they made me look nothing like how I am nowadays; Stryker ended up revealing my naked torso with weird-ass tattoos and Baraka-style blades coming out of my fucking arms! And to make matters worse, I wasn't played by Reynolds for the most part; it was some guy named Scott Adkins!)

I was forced to fight Wolverine and Sabertooth, using all the powers I was given. But Wolvie ended up chopping my head off, and I was defeated. In the end, though, that was good for my mouth, as it grew back in time for me to break that then-impenetrable fourth wall!

Better, Badass-er Timeline
After Wolverine had his own timey-wimey adventure, the entire timeline got rebooted. Which means Dudepeel is dead. And my entire history got remade into a new movie!

This time, though, I have the history and appearance of my mainstream self. God! I hated that Dudepeel look! But I have no idea what's happening! Just kidding. After I was done filming that shit, the crew told me, "Wade, if you tell the world about the fan-fucking-tastic plot, we will hunt your ass down and turn you back into Dudepeel!" Or at least that's what I think they said. So I can't tell you. Not until it's released. But I can bet you already know I am the protagonist villain of my feature-length film.