  |
This article's content is marked as Mature The page contains mature content that may include coarse language, sexual references, and/or graphic violent images which may be disturbing to some. Mature pages are recommended for those who are 18 years of age and older. If you are 18 years or older or are comfortable with graphic material, you are free to view this page. Otherwise, you should close this page and view another page. |
| “ | Who in this country was not moved when that great Englishman, Gazza, wept bitter tears at the World Cup last year? People thought that he was crying because he had been booked by the umpire and so would miss the final. But that was not the reason. He was crying at the thought that the Conservative government, the only government this young hero had ever known, was behind in the opinion polls. He was weeping at the threat of the return to power of a Labour rabble led by a bald Welsh windbag, dedicated to destroying Britain's prosperity, running down our currency, encouraging Satanist abuse of our children, spreading AIDS through their sponsorship of homosexual behaviour, abolishing the House of Lords, and executing the royal family. Gazza didn't want that for his children, do you want it for yours? | „ |
| ~ Alan B'Stard |
Alan Beresford B'Stard is the main character of the British political satire The New Statesman. He is a sleazy, hypocritical, and egotistical politician and Conservative Party backbencher within the House of Commons, being elected as the MP for Haltemprice. Often using political positions to his own benefit, B'Stard utilizies his wealth, connections, and wit to further his career and other selfish desires.
He was portrayed by the late Rik Mayall, who also played Drop Dead Fred in the film of the same name, Richie Rich in Filthy, Rich & Catflap, Prince Froglip in The Princess and the Goblin, Robber Hag in The Snow Queen, Cufflingk in Disney's Valiant, Richie in Bottom and Guest House Paradiso, and Rick in The Young Ones.
Biography[]
After critically injuring his political opponents, Alan B'Stard was elected MP for Haltemprice as a member of the Conservative Party during the Thatcherite late-1980s. He was the youngest MP at the age of 31.
He is aided by Piers Fletcher-Dervish, a moronic upper-class Conservative MP and victim of B'Stard's repeated abuse; Stephen Baxter, an elderly, clueless Conservative MP and backbencher; and Norman (later Norma) Bormann, B'Stard's corrupt accountant and personal confidante, who aides B'Stard in return for funds to pay for a sex-change operation since Bormann is wanted for financial fraud and is changing gender to order to hide from the police.
He is married to Sarah B'Stard, strictly due to her massive wealth and her father's influence in the Conservative Party, they regularly sleep with other partners and later in the series attempt to do each other harm despite maintaining a sexual relationship.
B'Stard's schemes grew wilder and more bold as the series progressed taking in bribery, murder and provoking trade union disputes to make a profit. Later, B'Stard would intentionally mismanage the Tory election campaign so Labour would be blamed for an economic crisis, stage his own assassination to bring back hanging (and make £1 million in the process). In the last episode he creates splits in both the Tory and Labour parties and names himself Lord Protector.
The special episode A B'Stard Exposed presents itself as an alternative ending in which B'Stard comes back to Parliament by winning a by-election in a Welsh seat by killing the other candidates and plotting to later make his own political party.
Personality[]
Overall, Alan B'stard was a conniving, cunning, clever and manipulative man who understood the tricks and trades of politics. As a lower-middle class Conservative, he was greedy and power-hungry, seeking whatever he wanted, whether that be power, sex or money. As the series went on, his personality became more and more extreme, becoming worse and worse in terms of attitude. Despite this, B'stard was an extremely popular and charming man, but was unaware of his flaws. He was incredibly manipulative, being able to cry convincing fake tears and easily get information out of people. Despite that, he did not perform well under pressure, resorting to anger or frustration when pushed. B'stard was extremely cocky and self-certain, once driving a man to suicide with things he had said on a TV interview.
B'stard was furthermore heavily bigoted, being unafraid to blackmail his homosexual colleagues, sexually harass any woman he comes across to the point of recognising them more by their bodies than by name, and show disgust at the disabled, once stealing a blind beggar’s money. His attitude towards women in particular was that of pure lust, although he hated being dominated. He slept around heavily, with his wife Sarah complaining that he hadn’t had sex with her in years. According to B'stard he hated queer people almost as much as he hated poor people.
B'stard was openly a sadist, taking pleasure in the pain he caused those around him. This extended most notably with his relationship with colleague Piers Fletcher-Dervish, as when anytime Piers would kiss him in a spur of the moment B'stard would say, “Oh dear,” and proceed to hurt him, mainly trapping his fingers under an object. In one episode B'stard would even almost go through with drilling a hole in his bottom, but stop because of good news. B'stard is constantly willing to abuse others and had no qualms to murder, threatening those around him. When he believes he accidentally killed a taxi driver, he is less bothered about the crime itself and more bothered about how annoying it was on a Friday morning.
While the most right-wing Conservative, saying he joined the party because of his greed, B'stard wasn’t above deserting the party briefly for his own agenda. He had mostly negative relationships with the Cabinet of the time period, saying that Norman Tebbit hated him, and one time he stole Cecil Parkinson’s credit card. The only person he was arguably afraid of in the party was Margaret Thatcher, having great respect for her and wanting to get on her good side.
Despite his openly arrogant demeanour, B'stard has a hidden sentimental side which he shows to no one, not even those he’s closest to, if he can call them that. B'stard shows rare moments of sadness and despair, most notably crying while waiting for his execution. This side is so well hidden that when he convinces the Chief Whip with his fake crying, he is shocked by the sudden change of personality.
It is implied in the season 3 episode Keeping Mum that B'stard was abused physically and sexually by his mother as a child, which could be a reason why he acts the way he is.
A running joke throughout the series was that, despite his extreme good looks and how easy it was for him to pursue his constant womanising, B'Stard was very under-endowed and suffered from premature ejaculation. A good quantity of women he bedded would be disappointed or contemptuous of his abilities in bed, despite his delusion that they must have enjoyed his sexual company as much as he did theirs. In fact, he thinks it a sign of virility that he's able to be so quick in bed.
Political ideals[]
Over the course of the series, stage shows and newspaper columns, B'Stard opined on numerous topics, most of which demonstrated his contempt for the working class and indeed anyone not of the political and financial elite (the ordinaries). During an argument with a constituent, B'Stard declared that he believed he was helping British industry by driving a Bentley (a Lagonda in series 4) and having his suits handmade by British craftsmen. B'Stard's arrogance even extended to claiming that there was nothing wrong with the education system that could not be put right with £2,500 a term, and that National Health Service (NHS) waiting lists could be abolished by shutting down the health service, thereby eradicating poor people and eliminating poverty. B'Stard continued this train of thought through his defection to New Labour when he was instrumental in arranging a postcode lottery for cancer treatment so that "only the right people get better".
Alan at one time proposed inverting the rallying cry of the American Revolutionary War by stating that "No representation without taxation" was a more fitting clarion call, believing people such as himself (the "enterprising, over-taxed minority") to be called on far too often to bail out other members of society. Alan used the same argument when proposing to cut off all social security payments to elderly people as he believes they should have considered how they would look after themselves instead of wasting their money on "ghastly holidays in Blackpool". When being interviewed by Brian Walden, B'Stard readily conceded that should he rule the UK, the rich would only pay tax on their cocaine, children would be forced to work in mills and the elderly and infirm would be left to die by the thousands.
Villainous Acts[]
- In Happiness is A Warm Gun, B'Stard cuts the brakes of his Labour and SDP political opponents' cars ahead of the upcoming election, critically injuring them. Later, while being blackmailed by Chief Constable Malachi Jericho, the only one aware of B'Stard's crime, passes a bill to arm police with firearms, taking advantage of this by becoming the distributor and selling them defective knockoffs.
- In Passport to Freedom, when faced with potential divorce by Sarah and deselection of membership from the Conservatives by her father following her amassing of 200,000 in shares from a successful automotive company, B'Stard breaks into Margaret Thatcher's office and forges a letter to the company from Thatcher authorising the de-unionisation of their workforce and lowering of wages. B'Stard leaks this to his Labour opponents, who strike as a result, leading to the company's bankruptcy and saving his marriage.
- In Waste Not, Want Not, B'Stard attempts to dispose of Argentine nuclear waste under a schoolyard, however fails following Norma's refusal to aide him in doing so for ethical reasons.
- In Friends of St. James, B'Stard advocates for the abolition of the National Health Service and mass execution of poor people in a speech to school children at his alma mater while under the influence of "special tobacco" from St. James. Later, B'Stard stages an airplane hijacking where he steals the money of several MPs.
- In Three Line Whipping, after a disastrous television interview, B'Stard assaults a cabbie in the bathroom, seemingly killing him. B'Stard proceeds to disguise himself as the cabbie, steal his taxi, and store the cabbie in the trunk on a hunt to dispose of the body. However, he later discovers the cabbie was alive the entire time, but uses his influence to convince the police he is telling the truth and have the cabbie beaten.
- In Fatal Extraction, B'Stard advocates for eugenics and mocks a black opponent for having her ancestors "arrive on a banana boat" during a televised debate. B'Stard attempts to eradicate the Labour Party's voter base by proposing a law requiring an income of 20,000 pounds or more to vote. Later, B'Stard blackmails the Chief Whip, an opponent of B'Stard's bill, with publicly exposing him as a homosexual.
- In The Wapping Controversy, B'Stard founds the Young Ladies' Recreational Association to engage in sexual acts with underage girls.
- In The Haltemprice Bunker, B'Stard agrees to allow Helmut Drucker, an ex-Nazi, to flee via railway in exchange for Nazi gold. However, at the train station, the press arrive unexpectedly and B'Stard flings Drucker into the path of an oncoming train, killing him but losing his gold as a result.
- In May the Best Man Win, B'Stard sleeps with Piers's fiance, who after insulting his skills as a lover and promising to give Piers the backbone to stand up to him in the future, B'Stard attempts to kill her and frame Piers as an adulter on the wedding day, both proving unsuccessful. He later laces the post-wedding feast with salmonella and botulism, poisoning everybody, including Sarah, except himself.
- In Piers of the Realm, B'Stard charges a farmer 500 pounds to have a bypass rerouted around his farm and cons a senile elderly woman out of her 350,000 pound home. Discovering an affair between Sarah and the gardener, B'Stard secretly films it and releases it as a porno in West Germany. Later, in a rage following news of Piers's promotion, B'Stard trashes his office and mutilates his cherished teddy bear.
- In Who Shot Alan B'Stard?, B'Stard leads the charge in reinstating capital punishment within Parliament to win a 10,000 pound bet with a bookie.
- In The Irresistible Rise of Alan B'Stard, B'Stard leads the campaign to have the United Kingdom leave the EEC, which proves a success. This leads to a political crisis, involving the resignation of John Major as Prime Minister, the calling of a snap election, and the split of the Conservative Party: the pro-European Progressive Federalist Party and the eurosceptic New Patriotic Party, led by B'Stard. With opinion polls showing a likely coalition to be formed between the pro-European Progressive Federalist Party and the pro-European Union Labour Party; B'Stard has Piers, who became the European Commissioner for Internal Relations at the beginning of the series, introduce a proposal to ban trade unions throughout the EEC, spliting the Labour Party as a result. The New Patriotic Party is ahead in the polls, however with B'Stard not standing for election he is ineligible as Prime Minister when confronted by Labour leader, Paddy O'Rourke. B'Stard, unfazed, proclaims himself Lord Protector, has O'Rourke arrested, and declares Great Britain his "plaything."
Quotes[]
| “ | Oh no. Not me. I’m a libertarian. If there’s a demand for pornography and people are prepared to meet those demands, then who are we to stand in the way of market mechanisms? That, Piers Fletcher-Dervish, is the slippery road towards socialism. | „ |
| ~ B'stard to Fletcher-Dervish. |
| “ | Right. Um. Why do I have the largest majority in the House of Commons? Easy. Because more people voted for me than for anyone else. They all put their crosses in my box. Pathetic really, isn’t it, the amount of people who can’t write their names properly. See, that’s why we need schools like this to keep us away from them, you see! To stop them dragging us down to their level. Don’t talk to me about the education crisis. Look around you at this beautiful school! Nothing wrong with the education system that two and a half thousand pounds a term can’t put right, is there? Ditto the so called housing shortage! I mean there are thousands of empty houses if you know where to look! The Algarve is empty six months of the year. You see, that’s what this country needs, you see. Radical ideas shooting straight from the hip! Which brings us on to the health service. I mean we hear an awful lot of lefty ideas about the NHS waiting lists. Well the answer’s simple. Shut down the health service! Result: no more waiting lists! You see, in the good old days, you were poor, you got ill, and you died. And yet- and yet these people seem to think they have some god given right to be cured! And what is the result of this sloppy socialist thinking? More poor people! If people trust my policies, we’d eradicate poor people! Thereby eliminating poverty! And they say we Conservatives have no heart! Thank you very much! | „ |
| ~ B'stard’s speech to his old college. |
| “ | No, no, I can endorse only the good old-fashioned rope! Simple, aesthetically pleasing, and using renewable resources. Wood, hemp, and good old British criminals. We should be proud to revive this ancient English craft. But with one important difference. To bring hanging kicking and screaming into the 1990s… televised public executions! For by- for by carrying out public executions in front of a large ticket-buying crowd, we can both increase deterrents and make capital punishment self-financing, if not actually profit-making! | „ |
| ~ B'stard endorsing his plan for bringing back capital punishment |
| “ | Well, looks like this is it, Alan. You’ve sunk as far as you can go. Still, look on the bright side, eh? Least things can’t get any worse. | „ |
| ~ Alan to himself while waiting for his execution. |
| “ | Remember my friends, God is dead. Marx is also dead. But the market lives. The market must become your new God. | „ |
| ~ B'stard to an audience in the USSR. |
Gallery[]
Trivia[]
- Alan B'Stard shares a middle name with Norman Tebbit, a member of Margaret Thatcher's cabinet.
- In the stage show it was revealed that B'Stard had been the architect of New Labour when he realised the Tories were done for (effectively ignoring the last episode of the series), picking a young guitar-playing hippie named Tony Blair and grooming him to be PM. B'Stard transformed Labour into a second Conservative Party, eradicating socialism and effectively running the country from his palatial office at Number 9 Downing Street. The show saw an older Alan, fabulously rich after orchestrating Black Wednesday, still up to his old tricks playing America and Al-Qaeda off each other in the hunt for weapons of mass destruction. By now, B'Stard is onto his fourth wife (Arrabella Lucretia B'Stard), although the show's first run saw Sarah still firmly in place.
- Until May 2007 'Alan' wrote a weekly opinion column in the Sunday Telegraph where he would detail his involvement in current events and even contributed to a Telegraph special of the Blair years where he hinted at being behind the deaths of John Smith, Mo Mowlam and Robin Cook. In the stage show, Alan's involvement in the death of David Kelly was also hinted at.
- The newspaper column was written to suggest that the stage show was written by B'Stard himself to communicate his triumphs to the ordinaries. After Gordon Brown was named as Blair's successor, B'Stard's final column implied that, bored with the UK and unable to tolerate a Brown premiership, B'Stard would quit the country to take up a new position as Head of the World Bank, leaving the door open to a potential return. Other columns had implied that B'Stard had already begun to groom David Cameron, in preparation for the end of New Labour's era and an electoral return for the Conservatives.
- Rik Mayall's death on 9 June 2014 prompted Laurence Marks and Maurice Gran to also kill B'Stard by writing an obituary for him (with B'Stard's date of death the same as Mayall's). It is explained that Alan died while making love to his two faithful Polynesian masseurs and states that B'Stard went on to marry Lady Gaga, his fifth wife and left behind five children and twelve grandchildren. It is also revealed that B'Stard's birth date is 29 February.