|“||Who in this country was not moved when that great Englishman, Gazza, wept bitter tears at the World Cup last year? People thought that he was crying because he had been booked by the umpire and so would miss the final. But that was not the reason. He was crying at the thought that the Conservative government, the only government this young hero had ever known, was behind in the opinion polls. He was weeping at the threat of the return to power of a Labour rabble led by a bald Welsh windbag, dedicated to destroying Britain's prosperity, running down our currency, encouraging satanist abuse of our children, spreading AIDS through their sponsorship of homosexual behaviour, abolishing the House of Lords, and executing the royal family. Gazza didn't want that for his children, do you want it for yours?||„|
|~ Alan B'Stard|
Alan Beresford B'Stard is the main character of the British political satire The New Statesman. B'Stard is a sleazy, hypocritical, and egotistical politican and Conservative Party backbencher within the House of Commons. Often using political positions to his own benefit, B'Stard utilizies his wealth, connections, and wit to further his career and other selfish desires.
After getting his political opponents critically injured, B'Stard was elected MP for Haltemprice as a member of the Conservative Party during the Thatcherite late-1980s.
He is aided by Piers Fletcher-Dervish, a moronic upper-class Conservative MP and victim of B'Stard's repeated abuse; Stephen Baxter, an elderly, clueless Conservative MP and backbencher; and Norman Bormann (later Norma), B'Stard's accountant and personal confidante who aides B'Stard in return for funds to pay for her sex-change.
Married to Sarah B'Stard, strictly due to her massive wealth and her father's influence in the Conservative Party, they regularly sleep with other partners and later in the series attempt to due each other harm despite maintaining a sexual relationship.
- In Happiness is A Warm Gun, B'Stard cuts the brakes of his Labour and SDP political opponents' cars ahead of the upcoming election, critically injuring them. Later, while being blackmailed by Chief Constable Malachi Jericho, the only one aware of B'Stard's crime, passes a bill to arm police with firearms, taking advantage of this by becoming the distributor and selling them defective knockoffs.
- In Passport to Freedom, when faced with potential divorce by Sarah and deselection of membership from the Conservatives by her father following her amassing of 200,000 in shares from a successful automotive company, B'Stard breaks into Margaret Thatcher's office and forges a letter to the company from Thatcher authorising the de-unionisation of their workforce and lowering of wages. B'Stard leaks this to his Labour opponents, who strike as a result, leading to the company's bankruptcy and saving his marriage.
- In Waste Not, Want Not, B'Stard attempts to dispose of Argentine nuclear waste under a schoolyard, however fails following Norma's refusal to aide him in doing so for ethical reasons.
- In Friends of St. James, B'Stard advocates for the abolition of the National Health Service and mass execution of poor people in a speech to school children at his alma mater while under the influence of "special tobacco" from St. James. Later, B'Stard stages an airplane hijacking where he steals the money of several MPs.
- In Three Line Whipping, after a disastrous television interview, B'Stard assaults a cabbie in the bathroom, seemingly killing him. B'Stard proceeds to disguise himself as the cabbie, steal his taxi, and store the cabbie in the trunk on a hunt to dispose of the body. However, he later discovers the cabbie was alive the entire time, but uses his influence to convince the police he is telling the truth and have the cabbie beaten.
- In Fatal Extraction, B'Stard advocates for eugenics and mocks a black opponent for having her ancestors "arrive on a banana boat" during a televised debate. B'Stard attempts to eradicate the Labour Party's voter base by proposing a law requiring an income of 20,000 pounds or more to vote. Later, B'Stard blackmails the Chief Whip, an opponent of B'Stard's bill, with publicly exposing him as a homosexual.
- In The Wapping Controversy, B'Stard founds the Young Ladies' Recreational Association to engage in sexual acts with underage girls.
- In The Haltemprice Bunker, B'Stard agrees to allow Helmut Drucker, an ex-Nazi, to flee via railway in exchange for Nazi gold. However, at the train station, the press arrive unexpectedly and B'Stard flings Drucker into the path of an oncoming train, killing him but losing his gold as a result.
- In May the Best Man Win, B'Stard sleeps with Piers's fiance, who after insulting his skills as a lover and promising to give Piers the backbone to stand up to him in the future, B'Stard attempts to kill her and frame Piers as an adulter on the wedding day, both proving unsuccessful. He later laces the post-wedding feast with salmonella and botulism, poisoning everybody, including Sarah, except himself.
- In Piers of the Realm, B'Stard charges a farmer 500 pounds to have a bypass rerouted around his farm and cons a senile elderly woman out of her 350,000 pound home. Discovering an affair between Sarah and the gardener, B'Stard secretly films it and releases it as a porno in West Germany. Later, in a rage following news of Piers's promotion, B'Stard trashes his office and mutilates his cherished teddy bear.
- In Who Shot Alan B'Stard?, B'Stard leads the charge in reinstating capital punishment within Parliament to win a 10,000 pound bet with a bookie.
- In The Irresistible Rise of Alan B'Stard, B'Stard leads the campaign to have the United Kingdom leave the EEC, which proves a success. This leads to a political crisis, involving the resignation of John Major as Prime Minister, the calling of a snap election, and the split of the Conservative Party: the pro-European Progressive Federalist Party and the eurosceptic New Patriotic Party, led by B'Stard. With opinion polls showing a likely coalition to be formed between the pro-European Progressive Federalist Party and the pro-European Union Labour Party; B'Stard has Piers, who became the European Commissioner for Internal Relations at the beginning of the series, introduce a proposal to ban trade unions throughout the EEC, spliting the Labour Party as a result. The New Patriotic Party is ahead in the polls, however with B'Stard not standing for election he is ineligible as Prime Minister when confronted by Labour leader, Paddy O'Rourke. B'Stard, unfazed, proclaims himself Lord Protector, has O'Rourke arrested, and declares Great Britain his "plaything."