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|“||Oh, Brian. That's adorable. And I love that you're so protective but come on, we all know that you're just a big sweetheart. And even if you were able to be mean to me, I'd still be loving you.||„|
|~ Alana Fitzgerald|
Alana Fitzgerald is a minor antagonist in Family Guy, starring as the titular main antagonist of the episode "All About Alana". She is Lois Griffin's star piano student and housekeeper of the Griffin Family.
She was voiced by Elizabeth Gilles.
In "All About Alana", Alana Fitzgerald was doing her piano lessons for Lois Griffin and doing an exceptional job. Lois complimented Alana for her amazing talent and called her her best performing student. Chris took a liking to Alana in a different way by creeping on her and sniffing her hair. Lois asked Alana why she hadn't started college, five years after her graduation and Alana said that it was because she couldn't afford to go to Juliiard, as it cost $12,000 to apply. Due to this, Lois felt bad for her and talked with Peter about hiring her as a live-in housemaid to help her raise the money for college.
Before long, Alana was welcomed into The Griffin House and felt instantly grateful for being given such a privilege, as she had never grown up in a house as wonderful as this. Alana immediately won the hearts of the entire famil, by cooking them all tacos and nachos for dinner that night. Alana would help out the family in other ways like cleaning the backyard to reveal a backyard pool, dusting the furniture, letting Lois sleep in and doing her work for her, and most of all, just having fun with the family, making them all come to adore her even more. Alana would sing musical numbers with Brian, make arts and crafts with Meg, and seduce Peter by making him a fulfilling five-course meal.
Unbeknownst to the family, Alana had ulterior motives behind her housework, as she would try on Lois' clothes and impersonate her voice as due to a desire to replace her. Aside from Stewie, who knew about Alana's plan the entire time but was ignored, the only person who seemed to feel suspicious of her was Lois, who had the feeling that she was "after something". Brian went in to question Alana and ask her to stop doing so much work, for Lois' sake. Alana played dumb with Brian and swindled him by singing with him 19 songs from "The American Songbook", especially "I'll Still Be Loving You". and he was suckered into forgetting the whole thing. Lois, on the other hand, was even more wary of Alana after this.
Lois cobbled up $12,000 to give to Alana straight away, telling her that she could go off to college, just so that she could get her out of the house as soon as possible. Alana was unfazed by this gesture, thanked Lois for the money, and told her that she'd be out of the house first thing tomorrow. Later that night, Alana drove down to the ghetto and gave the money to some mobsters and ordered a hit on Lois Griffin, proving that she never had plans of going to Juliiard in the first place.
The next day, Lois came down for breakfast to see Alana wearing her clothing and having her hair styled to look just like her. Lois was understandably thrown off by this but Alana just said that all Lois' clothes her in the wash and she dyed her hair because she was a fan of Kathy Griffin. Lois noticed that she was cut out of all the family photos and Alana mentioned that she was scissoring with Peter last night and they got a bit carried away. The final straw was when Alana revealed her plans to go grocery shopping later today. Lois finally snapped and asserted dominance as the official "grocery shopper" in the Griffin household. Lois boasted that she would be grocery shopping herself today and demanded that Alana be gone when she comes back. Alana told Lois not to worry because once she leaves, she won't be seeing her ever again.
When Lois went grocery shopping, she was kidnapped in the parking lot by the two mobsters, taken into their van, and driven away to a cliff, where she was tied up in ropes and thrown over the edge. After this deed was done, Alana forged a Dear John letter from Lois, saying that she had abandoned the family to become a lesbian. The family was heartbroken by Lois' disappearance, but they were very quick to get over her as soon as they all got hungry for dinner and Alana offered to make it for them. Alana seemed to perfectly fill in the Lois-shaped void in Peter's heart, prompting him to arrange a wedding for her immediately.
Peter and Alana got together at Our Lady at the Bottom of the Hill, with all of their friends and family. However, just before they were pronounced man and wife, Lois came crashing in through the window, as the mobsters had apparently thrown her off a cliff that was above the church. A bloody and beaten Lois announced what Alana did in front of everybody. Alana confessed to all of this and admitted that the only reason she did this was because she loved Lois' family so much (except Stewie) and desperately wanted her life. Nevertheless, the wedding was called off, Peter and Lois were reunited, and Joe had Alana arrested and put away.
Lois would later visit Alana in prison, where Alana would apologize for everything she did. Alana would also detail what life in prison is like, saying that she was allowed to sleep in all she wanted, breakfast was served to her, and they also had time dedicated to knitting. This sounded like a paradise to Lois and it made her want to switch places with Alana. Unfortunately, by this time, conjugal visiting hours had ended and Lois was dragged away, desperately wanting to take Alana's place, giving Alana somewhat of a pyrrhic victory.
Alana Fitzgerald is a young adult Caucasian woman with long, flowing brunette hair, reddish pinkish lips, dark lavender eyeshadow, and thickened black eyelashes. She wears a cyan jacket with a white undershirt, blue jeans, and red and white sneakers. When she started to impersonate Lois, she dyed her hair the same color of orange as Lois, shortened her hair to around her length and also started wearing her iconic outfit of a sea foam green buttoned shirt, tan pants, and magenta slippers.
Alana Fitzgerald is a kind-hearted and hard-working individual, who treats the Griffins like her own family. She loves every one of them dearly (except for Stewie apparently) and takes the time to cater to every one of their needs and become not just their housekeeper, but their friend. She is exceptionally gifted with the piano, being Lois' best student, and also has a lovely singing voice, as confirmed by Brian. Alana has alluded to having a below-average past and upbringing, though little of it was expounded upon. She is, however, infinitely grateful to be living with The Griffins, as she gets to be in a beautiful house with such a loving family. Alana's admiration for the Griffin lifestyle goes a lot deeper than she lets on, to the point where she has an unhealthy desire to not just live like, but be Lois Griffin and take her place in life, completely. Secretly, Alana plans to eradicate Lois so that she can replace her as the mother and wife figure to the Griffin family. Alana is so bent on this, that she'd gladly resort to lying, stealing money, and ordering a hit on Lois just to make her dream come true. As sinister of a person as she is, Alana still has a big heart and is just as much a hero as she is a villain, since she truly cares so fondly for The Griffins and wants only for them to live happy lives, the way any good mother would. Some would even argue that Alana is a better mother to the family than Lois was. When Alana was busted for her attempted murder of Lois Griffin, she was quick to remorse and was strong enough to admit to her crimes and apologize for it. She went to jail willingly and spent her time in prison, thinking about what she had done and coming to the conclusion that she was a horrible person to Lois and gave her a humble apology. Overall, Alana had been redeemed and her love for The Griffin Family had grown stronger with this experience. She wished Lois and her family the best as she went back to serve the rest of her prison sentence, now, as a changed woman.
- As stated by Stewie Griffin, Alana is based on Eve Harrington from the 1950 film All About Eve.
- Unlike Lois, Alana clearly understands Stewie's dialogue. However, she doesn't like him for unknown reasons. It was specified that Alana's reasons for despising Stewie had nothing to do with the fact that he was on to her case.