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|“||Excuse me, but I'm a f*ck-mothering vampire. I killed a lot of people to get this title; I deserve to called such!||„|
|~ Alucard to Alexander Anderson.|
Vlad Tepes, better known as Alucard, Dracula, The Crimson F**cker and various other aliases, is the main protagonist-villain of the Hellsing Ultimate Abridged series by Team Four Star. He is an exceedingly powerful yet arrogant and irresponsible vampire in the service of the Hellsing Organization, who typically abuses his power and position to merely do whatever he wants.
This depiction of Alucard is as cocky, arrogant, and egotistical as his original counterpart, but unlike the original, he is is sarcastic, rude, perverted, argumentative, and rebellious, often disrespecting or mocking his enemies in a very distasteful and vulgar fashion. Also, unlike the original Alucard, this version often disrespects Sir Integra and disobeys her orders constantly, even directly calling her names such as "bitch" and "skank" on several occasions, going to Brazil when specifically told not to and even going far as to tip all of the paintings in the hallway sideways simply to annoy her. The only time that ever followed her orders was when he was asked to stay in the basement during her session with their financial suppliers (having to bribe him with a 70-inch wide plasma screen TV (with Netflix, but no 3D). However, during an invasion by the Valentine brothers, he continued to obey these orders despite Integra telling him to deal with the intruders, mainly to piss her off.
He is also easily angered and belligerent when people take his stuff away or think they are higher than him, such as how he butchered Luke Valentine for destroying his new television and referring to himself as a "demi-god". He also claims that he only saved Seras from death because she has "nice tits". He is also shown to be quite immature and sophomoric, as he enjoys watching cartoons (Adventure Time being one of them). The only people that he is shown to be respectful (or at least friendly) towards is Walter and the Queen of England (who is still attracted to him). Alucard is also shown to be very devious, conniving, and manipulative, as he takes great pleasure in causing mischief, as Integra went over all of his antics, such as countless acts of property damage, noise complaints, murder of innocent civilians, and sexual harassment (which he refuses to apologizes for).
While on a walk with the Police Girl, Alucard encounters vampire couple Edward Cullen and Bella Swan after they had murdered a entire innocent family. When Alucard knocks on the door, Edward asks who it is, to which Alucard replies, "Oh you know..." and then proceeds to pump him full of silver bullets before proclaiming himself "a real f-cking vampire". Outside, as Bella is fleeing, Seras lines up to take the the shot, but Alucard begins annoying her on purpose. After Seras kills Bella, she begins bragging it to Alucard to which he replies with calling her "a treat."
The scene then changes to one week earlier, when Alucard is taking his usual walk. Suddenly, he encounters a vampiric priest and his army of ghouls. Assuming that Alucard was there to stop him, the priest boasts about turning the entire town into ghouls and planning to rape a pre-vampiric Seras after killing Alucard. In response, Alucard mocks the priest before shooting through the Police Girl's heart to kill the priest. Alucard then tries to leave, but is stopped by the half-alive Seras's groans. He attempts to apologize for shooting the Police Girl, but is wooed by her "blonde eviscerated puppy" look and turns her into a vampire (which he claims that the only reason for doing so is because she had nice tits), which he then reports to his boss, Integra Fairbrook Windgates Hellsing.
In the present, Alucard reports to Integra about killing Edward and Bella, much to Integra's irritation over Alucard's random encounters on his walks. Integra then sends Alucard to a mission in Ireland, and Alucard expresses his excitement of killing a Leprechaun before being told that it was a vampire that had taken over a hospital. At the same time, Father O'MalleyO'ConnelO'CarrollO'ReillyO'BrianO'Sullivan (who is also Italian) sends Alexander Anderson to the same hospital to kill them.
At said hospital, Alucard expresses how much he loves to kill zombies and once again annoys the Seras into joining him in killing the ghouls, sending her into a bloodrage in the process which arouses Alucard more than usual. Anderson then appears, explaining that the vampire Alucard was sent to kill is already dead. As Alucard mocks Anderson with pedophilia jokes, Anderson attempts to dramatically introduce himself with a speech he claimed to come up with a week ago, though Alucard cites that it is from The Boondock Saints. Meanwhile, Integra is informed of Anderson's involvement.
After bickering with immaturity, Anderson decapitates Alucard after he shoots him in the head. The Police Girl runs off with Alucard's head as Anderson implies that he plans to "rape" her (Rape in this case meaning: "Completely and utterly destroy"). Anderson catches up to the Seras while she is telepathically commanded by Alucard's head to put him between her boobs and legs, only to be interrupted by one of Anderson's bayonets, much to Alucard's irritation. Before she can be killed, the Seras is saved by Integra, who chastises Anderson for breaching their agreement over territory and killing each other, to which Anderson proceeds to violate more by killing Integra's bodyguards.
As Anderson boasts about killing Alucard, Integra merely smiles as Alucard reforms, much to Anderson's confusion. Anderson then leaves. Left alone, Alucard and Integra discuss who could be responsible for the recurring vampire attacks, to which Alucard suggests the Nazis could be behind the plot. Integra dismisses it as "retarded".
"Bullet From Your Valentine"
After coming back from clearing a high school infested with zombies, Integra commands Alucard to stay in his dungeon until her meeting with the Parliament's financial councils (or "Old Assholes", as the description credits) concludes. Alucard objects and decides to go for another walk. However, Integra bribes him by agreeing to give him a new gun, a cannon for the Seras (to which he remarked "Bitches love cannons"), and a 70 inch plasma screen TV with Netflix. Soon, Integra meets with the council, who proceed to name a lengthy list of financial troubles that are mostly (if not all) caused by Alucard, annoying her.
Later, after Luke and Jan Valentine start their assault on the Hellsing mansion, Integra quickly calls Alucard for assistance, but the vampire spitefully refuses to help, sarcastically following Integra's orders to not come out of his room, and mentioning the bribes she gave him. Alucard then hangs up, having started to watch Adventure Time on Netflix. Enraged, Integra instead calls Walter for assistance. Not long afterwards, Luke finds Alucard's room, due to there being a group of armed guards posted around it, and shoots Alucard's TV as he is watching Netflix. Alucard becomes incredibly annoyed at his new TV's destruction and casually blows off Luke's introduction, leading to them both fighting.
During their fight, Luke brags about his powers outweighing Alucard's own, referring to himself as a "demigod". Alucard quickly shows the "demigod" up by releasing his Level One restraint and shooting both of his legs off. Alucard mocks Luke for bragging about his supposed superiority and berates him for destroying his TV. As Alucard violently devours a screaming Luke, the sounds of the brutality is presented to the council, and Integra informs them all that Alucard performs such acts when he is bored. Knowing this, the council quickly agrees to continue funding the Hellsing Organization.
In the aftermath, dozens of the guards on the premises are dead and Integra is forced to endure the fact that Alucard is right about Nazis being the masterminds, though she continues to deny it.
Many years ago, Abraham Van Helsing stands before a defeated Dracula. Victorious, Van Helsing demands to see what Dracula has to say about all the horrible atrocities and devastation he had committed now that he is defeated. Dracula weakly replies "The aristocrats..." before Van Helsing angrily drives the stake in his chest further. Awaking from the dream, Alucard realizes it is orientation day and frightens Pip and the Wild Geese by phasing through the wall. After the Geese have calmed down, he becomes highly amused to find that they are all French; Integra claiming that she was forced to post mortality rates and the Wild Geese were the only ones to reply. Walter then informs Integra that Enrico Maxwell has invited her for a talk at a museum (and that Alucard tilted the paintings in the hallway). There, Maxwell and Integra insult one another before Alucard and Anderson are called in. To prevent any damage, Seras arrives with a large group of elders to come between the two. With his boner gone, Alucard decides to hold off his conflict with Anderson, who agrees rather casually.
Maxwell reveals that he has information concerning Millennium, the organization that was responsible for damaging the Hellsing property and sending the vampires. In return for the information, Maxwell has Integra apologize for Alucard's multiple threat letters to the Pope, which she grudgingly does. Integra later discovers Millenium conducting activity in Brazil, though she doubts Alucard would go if she told him to. Walter then tricks Alucard into going by explaining to him that he has vacation days, but Integra forbids him to go to Brazil. In response, Alucard heads there with Seras and Pip to spite his boss. Once in Brazil, Alucard claims the hotel's penthouse by hypnotizing the bellboy into kicking out it's current resident, Chevy Chase (subsequently hypnotizing him into thinking the movie White Chicks was great, much to Pip's disgust). Shortly after settling in, Seras and Alucard (identified as a young British woman and "some Ozzy Osbourne-looking motherf**ker") are broadcast on Brazillian news firing off shots in the hotel, enraging Integra. Integra then calls the two, Alucard attempting to explain that he was simply relaxing in his room when a SWAT teams burst in to arrest him, resulting in him provoking them into shooting before he killed all but one (who committed suicide). Alucard is optimistic as he can now cancel his room service because of this.
Up at the penthouse, Integra desperately orders Police Girl to not allow Alucard to leave, though he already did to "go for a walk", much to Integra's horror. Alucard annihilates the rest of the SWAT teams, impaling them on the flag poles in front of the hotel. Outside, Dandy Man reveals that he had set everything up by convincing the police that he would give them immortality in exchange for Alucard's capture, much to the latter's pleasure. The two then fight, both making card puns in the process—Integra also irked at the fact that Alucard is deliberately killing civilians while trying to shoot the Dandy Man. On the roof of the hotel, Dandy Man bets Alucard that he can kill him with one hand, which the vampire agrees. After the first initial attack, Alucard activates his "Alu-Card" (aka releasing another restraint level). With Seras' help, Alucard manages to defeat Dandy Man and read his mind by drinking all of his blood. Doing so, Alucard discovers to his amusement that Nazis are indeed responsible and tweets about it. Integra is further annoyed that Alucard confirmed his theory.
Integra is forced by Alucard to admit he was right, to which Alucard responds to with an orgasm. After Integra angrily hangs up, Anderson appears, attacking Alucard before informing them of a jet the Vatican had supplied them to return to England with. Before departure, Alucard infuriates Anderson by revealing he had hung a huge banner on the Cristo Redentor that reads "420YOLOSWAG4JESUS".
Back in England, the Vatican are still having trouble taking the banner down when Alucard arrives. He then meets the Queen of England, with whom he exchanges in sexual small-talk. In response, Shelby Penwood swears to abstinence out of disgust.
Alucard then recounts "Operation: Kraut Control" to those present at the meeting, when Walter was fifteen and Alucard was a girl (a guy named Reggie questions the Queen's sexuality in response, much to Alucard's annoyance). The duo managed to stop The Major's plan to create a vampiric Nazi army, though few have managed to survive into the present. Right on cue, a boy with cat ears appears to bring a message from The Major. Integra and everyone else is shocked at how Schrodinger managed to get past their dozen guards, who Alucard presumably accidentally killed.
When presented with The Major, Alucard bursts out laughing at how he was still "so f-cking fat" and that he was like a "Nazi Louis C.K.". As The Major greets everyone, he also reveals that the Vatican helped him and his company escape from Germany during the war, explaining the information Enrico Maxwell presented to Integra. The Major attempts to reveal ultimate plan, though everyone already knows that it is "Nazi army." As The Major threatens war, Schrodinger flirts with Police Girl, telling her "we would make beautiful children". Alucard shoots him in response, The Major then uses this as an excuse to start the war. After shooting the television displaying The Major, Schrodinger's body and blood mysteriously vanish.
The Major revels in the coming war that Alucard started and initiates his plan to head into the English channel. An English aircraft carrier is hijacked by a vampire named Lieutenant Violent in preparation for Rip Van Winkle's arrival. After Rip Van Winkle quirkily makes Violent feel like "a total cunt", she kills him after making him "check [his] privilege".
Back in England, Penwood briefs Integra on the hijacking of the ship, presenting satellite photos of a message on the deck that says "The cake is a lie", to Integra's confusion. The one person in the room who understands the reference then announces that the two assault helicopters sent to intercept the ship are destroyed. In desperation, Penwood pleads for Hellsing's aid, to which Integra observes would have saved Penwood more men if he asked in the first place.
Discussing the approach to the ship, Integra and Walter decide the best way to intercept it is an attack from above. Alucard recommends the Lockheed SR71 Blackbird, which was on his Christmas list.
On the ship, Rip Van Winkle annoys the vampiric crew by singing "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley, which she stops when she senses Alucard's approach. Despite Van Winkle's best attempts at bringing the aircraft down, Alucard still forces it down on the ship by crashing the exploding jet on to the ship, killing all the crew on board except for himself and Rip Van Winkle.
Confronting her, Rip attempts to intimidate him by calling him out as a "racist, cisgendered, patriarch-propagating, misogynistic pig". After catching and destroying her magic bullet, Alucard fully counters her claims with the facts that his boss is a woman, he was a chick in the '40s, he hate everyone equally, and there is no one alive who can comprehend his sexual preferences. Alucard then kills Rip Van Winkle by driving her rifle through her chest, remarking that "bitches love cannons".
Meanwhile, The Major applauds the success of trapping Alucard on the ship. He makes a speech explaining various kinds of war to explain his love for war (Class, Drugs, Race, Flame Wars via Internet, and even referencing the TV show "Storage Wars"). Finishing his speech, he declares to his Millenium Army that it's time to put his plans into motion, which comes down to the desire of starting "World War III". Police Girl and Pip watches the approaching zeppelins from the Hellsing mansion.
Back at the ship, Alucard laughs maniacally, ready for the war. He then says to himself, "I better not miss a damn thing".
|“||Now I know what you're thinking: "How did all this come about?" Well, it all started in a midnight stroll through the woods. The air was clear, the moon was full, I was dying to sink my teeth into something. Get it? Because I'm a vampire... mwahahaha—it's funny.||„|
|~ Alucard telling about how he met Seras.|
|“||Oh, yeah, forgot about you. Sorry about that whole "shooting you" thing, but I know if you look deep into your heart—which is currently all over that tree—you'll find a way to forgive me.||„|
|~ Alucard to Seras after shooting her.|
|“||Hey, Police Girl! Police Girl! This is awesome! You should totally join in! Seriously, there’s like...forty zombies in here! Just one shot to the head and they explode! It’s just like House of the Dead, only like...a hundred times more awesome!||„|
|~ Alucard expressing joy at killing ghouls.|
|“||Oh, if it isn’t the Catholic Church! And what's this? No little Timmy glued to your crotch? Progress!||„|
|~ Alucard upon meeting Anderson.|
|“|| Integra: Alucard, get up here now! I'm locked in with the committee on the third floor, and—|
Alucard: Okay, see, I'm going to have to stop you right there. You see, I'm under direct orders from my boss—who is a total bitch, by the way—that I am not to leave this room until such time as the committee has left the building. I was even bribed. Imagine that.
Integra: Alucard, you vampiric asshole, I will—!
Alucard: Sounds great, but I'm going to have to go now. I just queued up an episode of Adventure Time on Netfix. Byyye!
|~ Alucard sarcastically refusing to help Integra and the "Old Assholes".|
|“||That was a seventy-inch...plasma screen T.V.....so, how can I help you?||„|
|~ Alucard to Jan Valentine after he destroys his T.V..|
|“||You know, they say that T.V. makes you violent, but I say that not having my T.V. is making me pretty f*cking violent!!||„|
|~ Alucard pissed that his T.V. was blown up|
|“||HEY KIDS, WANNA SEE A DEAD BODY?!||„|
|~ Alucard greeting the Wild Geese.|
|“||Honestly, if you're going to have a dick-fighting competition with a woman, you must have started off with the world's cruelest handicap. Which I'm sure benefits the nine-year old boy you have chained up in your private Vatican jet. Which was paid for how? Oh right! Generous donations from your followers to spread the word of God...all over his back.||„|
|~ Alucard taunting Enrico Maxwell.|
|“||BITCH, I EAT PEOPLE!!!||„|
|~ Alucard to Sir Integra.|
|“|| Dear Chief Replacement|
I wanted to send you this friendly little letter to inform you of your imminent demise. If you're curious about the frequency of which I've sent these letters, it is merely to instill as much fear as I can. As if basting a turkey. Which I will then proceed to have sex with.
I'm going to F*CK the fear turkey.
Follow me on Twitter as TheCrimsonF**kr!
|~ Alucard's note/death threat to the Pope.|
|“||Man, I don't know what I find funnier: the Catholic Church strong-arming you into helping us, or that you obviously haven't seen what I did to the statue of Big J!||„|
|~ Alucard taunting Anderson with his vandalism of the Cristo Redentor.|
|“||Ah...the return of the why boner...with a VENGEANCE!||„|
|~ Alucard upon meeting Schrödinger.|
|“|| Alucard: Was that boy/girl bugging you?|
Major: Und like zat ze var begins!
Alucard: Whoops! Did I just accidentally a war?
|~ Alucard after killing Schrödinger.|
|“|| Alucard: Walter...if I may confide in you...|
Walter: I temper my sense of decency in expectation.
Alucard: I am positively THROBBING over these guys returning!
Walter: Well, if it lasts for more than four hours...
Alucard: Walter, do you know what my top three favorite things I've killed are? Third is the Turks. Second is Nazis. Can you guess the first?
Walter: Your father?
Alucard: Nailed it!
|~ Alucard conversing with Walter.|
|“||Funny thing is...in any other circumstance, you might've had a point there. Except my boss is a woman, I was a chick in the forties, I hate everyone equally, and there's no-one alive who could comprehend my sexual preference. So, in other words, Ms. Van Winkle... CH-CH-CH-CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE!||„|
|~ Alucard to Rip Van Winkle.|
|“||Haven't you heard the new sensation sweeping the nation? You bitches love cannons!||„|
|~ Alucard while killing Rip Van Winkle.|