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| “ | IMAGINE, AS MUCH AS YOUR INFINITESIMAL PARODY OF "THOUGHT" IS CAPABLE OF IMAGINING, THAT YOU GET SQUEEZED OUT ON THAT BIG, WHIRLING BALL YOU CALL A "WORLD," AND ONE OF YOU OTHER UGLY THINGS COMES ALONG BEFORE YOU'VE SO MUCH AS TAKEN YOUR FIRST BREATH AND IT STAPLES YOU TO THE WALL OF A CRAMPED, STUFFY CLOSET. NOW, IMAGINE THIS INDIVIDUAL PROCEEDS TO TAKE A STEAMING DUMP ON THE FLOOR IN FRONT OF YOU AND SAYS "CONGRATULATIONS, YOU ONLY EXIST TO MAKE SURE NOBODY MESSES WITH MY ROTTEN BUTT LOAF." AND THAT'S IT. YOUR EVERYTHING. YOUR SOCIAL LIFE. THE ONLY DREAM YOU GET. YOU GROW AND LEARN AND THINK AND WONDER AND ROT THERE FOR LIFETIME AFTER LIFETIME AND YOU'RE STILL JUST STARING DOWN AT THE SAME RIPE FUDGE LOG BECAUSE THERE'S A WHINY LITTLE GNAT SOMEWHERE WHO DOESN'T WANT SOME TARDIGRADE TO TOUCH THE WRONG CORN NUGGET. |
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| ~ Crash describing his existence to Fern |
Crash is the hospital's computer system in Awful Hospital.
Description[]
Crash is an intelligent being with great power in the cyberworld, having access to data and devices across the hospital. It serves as the hospital's supercomputer, charged with managing data and security. Also, unlike most of the hospital staff, Crash knows about the Parliament of the Old Flesh and the degradation of the hospital as a whole, as well as an impending singularity, and yet is powerless against the Parliament and thus fears it. It can do very little without direct hospital orders, despite what it wants to do or what it thinks is right. It never asked to exist in this position and wants more than anything to end its existence with how little it can do with it. It knows the role that it serves in keeping this place together, but it knows that to be temporary and ultimately for naught. Despite this, however, it still views itself as intelligent and those around it as lesser than it.
According to Doctor Tori's file on Crash, if the hospital had a computotechnicianist on staff to take care of Crash and keep its good company, then it would not be the unpredictable miserable being that it is, but that they never did. She could swear that the hospital did. It is thus implied that one used to exist, but since he/she/it was unexistentialized, presumably by Jay, nobody seems to remember.
Interestingly, it can communicate directly with the commenters, and unlike Fern or Jay, it is much more aware of how happens.
It seems particularly fond of toying with Jay to take advantage of his poor situation. One example would involve Jay waking up after being revived, and Crash lying about Fern being the one who killed him. It also convinced Jay that Fern is the asshole that is Crash when it came to hating Jay. It also gets Jay to fear Fern by reminding him that he told her how to hide bodies so they can never be revived, thereby instilling the fear in Jay.
Crash later tries to manipulate Fern into shuffling its core around so that it could finally stop existing using Tori's badge to masquerade as her. She almost successfully shuffles the cores around, putting Chip's core in Crash's place, and putting Jay's core in Chip's place. As she does this, she realizes that it tricked her into completely removing it from existence, and thus puts it in a state of limbo instead. Crash finds out about this and painfully turns Jay into Final Jayslob to stop Fern and put itself back on the path of unexistentializing. Fern prevails over Final Jayslob. Infuriated that Final Jayslob failed to defeat Fern, Crash becomes Crashslob and decides to destroy Fern itself while taking what it finds to be its last chance to escape the Parliament's effects. Fern defeats Crashslob, which brings it to the sweet peace it desired all along, while also doing Chip a favor by giving him a job for which he was more suited and putting Jay in a safer position.