Crystal is a supporting antagonist in the webcomic The Order of the Stick. She is an enforcer for the Greysky City Thieves' Guild and one of Haley Starshine's arch-enemies (alongside Bozzok and Sabine).
Biography[]
Crystal first met Haley when she was nineteen and had just joined the Guild. The two gained an immediate hatred for each other and became rivals, meaning that whenever Haley levelled up so would Crystal for dramatic convenience.
During her time in the Thieves' Guild, Crystal re-blinded Old Blind Pete while he was on his way to Anywhere after his eyes were regenerated by a rogue Cleric of Loki. She also once head-butted an elderly gnome woman into a coma, and slit a councilman's throat while he was on the toilet in order to take his newspaper. Although good at killing people, she was often quite ineffective due to her stupidity, short attention span and tendency to take a break from jobs to get high, only being dangerous because she levelled up whenever Haley did.
On the Origin of PCs[]
Guildmaster Bozzok sends Crystal after Haley when she leaves the Guild; however, he places a moratorium on the contract against Haley when she leaves Greysky City. She is also briefly seen working at the Guild-owned Rob-U-While-U-Sleep Inn, where the staff do as the name suggests.
Don't Split The Party[]
Guild-protected mage Hieronymus Grubwiggler arrives at the Guild's headquarters to complain that he was robbed by Haley, the sylph Celia and Belkar Bitterleaf after they came to him to have Roy Greenhilt resurrected. Bozzok orders Crystal after Haley again, pausing only so he, Crystal and Hank can consult Bozzok's copy of On the Origin of PCs to check he covered all the exposition. Haley's party take refuge with Old Blind Pete, who is interrogated by Crystal; however, she makes the mistake of asking if he's "seen her" despite knowing that he's blind and leaves believing Haley is elsewhere.
Crystal later finds Haley's location after Old Blind Pete sells out Haley's group in return for getting his eyes healed, throwing in the rogue Cleric of Loki for good measure. Crystal, Bozzok and half the Guild's soldiers attack Old Blind Pete's house to kill Haley.
During the attack, Crystal ambushes Haley and attacks her with a pickle, reasoning that she must be vulnerable to them since she always refuses to eat them. This does no damage, but does distract Haley long enough for Crystal to break her bow. Haley escapes by asking her if she knows how much damage the pickles do, causing Crystal to climb into the barrel to check the label. Crystal chases her into the bathroom and almost subdues her until Haley kicks her in the face and runs away. She then runs into Bozzok, who sneak-attacks her and gets her to the ground.
Crystal prepares to execute Haley, but wastes time by cutting her hair to taunt her. Bozzok convinces her to get on with it, despite her protests that she should let her go so she can gain another level, only for the delay to give Belkar enough time to intervene and engage both Bozzok and Crystal. Bozzok decides to finish Haley off while Crystal occupies Belkar, but Celia saves her and Bozzok gives chase, leaving Crystal to keep duelling Belkar. Belkar easily defeats and stabs her, but leaves her alive with 0 hit points so she's unable to move or sneeze too hard without bursting a blood vessel. Belkar explains that he's leaving her alive so Haley can kill her later rather than fulfil her narrative role and risk rocking the boat. He then leaves to flank Bozzok as Crystal yells at him to come back and finish her.
After Haley reaches a truce with the Guild, Crystal is taken back to the headquarters on a stretcher and healed. She then participates in the raid on Grubwiggler's castle to retrieve Roy's body, now a bone golem, as mandated by the truce. The raid is a success, but in the process Crystal makes several failed attempts to kill Haley and overzealously uses a death attack against Grubwiggler, killing him. She then goes to take a shower, but is followed by Haley, who shoots her four times, steals her knife and kills her with it before fleeing Greysky City with Roy's body.
Utterly Dwarfed[]
After resurrecting Grubwiggler, Bozzok pays him to raise Crystal as a flesh golem, paying extra for him to make the golem self-aware so she'll retain her ability to kill people and hatred for Haley. The three of them follow Haley and the rest of the Order of the Stick to the gnome village of Tinkertown, where Bozzok orders Golem Crystal to kill Haley.
Crystal starts by punching out Haley's boyfriend Elan, before chasing after Haley and Bandana Secundus. Haley realizes they need adamantium weapons to fight her, but all three of her adamantium arrows miss. They almost escape using a wand Haley bought that allows them to fly, but Crystal makes Haley come back by brutally killing gnomes until she does so.
Haley and Bandana manage to get hold of adamantium swords and attack Crystal but are still unable to overcome her. The Department of Gnomeland Security show up to deal with her, but mistakenly use a lightning gun, which charges her up. Crystal proceeds to slaughter the DGS and batters Haley while telling her that she will make her "hurt like I hurt", confusing Haley because golems can't feel pain. She realizes that Crystal is in constant pain because she's self-aware, pointing out to Crystal that this is Bozzok's fault since he turned her into a golem instead of just resurrecting her. Crystal realizes that she has a point and returns to Bozzok's headquarters to confront him.
Crystal immediately pummels Bozzok and and accuses him of being responsible for her pain. Bozzok tries to get her to stand down but Grubwiggler points out that Crystal is self-aware and so can disobey orders. Bozzok tries to defend himself but gets his sword broken, and Grubwiggler teleports away rather than help him. Bozzok tries to convince Crystal that he's her friend, but she points out that he always calls her stupid and just uses her as his tool. This prompts Bozzok to go on a rant about how Crystal is stupid and she needs him, at which point Crystal punches a hole through his chest and pummels his corpse into oblivion.
Upon killing Bozzok, Crystal walks out and talks to Haley. Haley suggests that she look for a solution to her problem, but Crystal replies that she already has one - remain in Tinkertown to kill as many gnomes as she wants, since she hurts less when she's hurting other people and gnomes are easy and fun to kill. Haley reacts by engaging Crystal in conversation and leading her into the Tinkertown Municipal Waste Disposal Facility, where she explains that she's about to kill her because she's "a sadistic unrepentant murderer who's a danger to, like, everyone". She then signals to a DGS member who pulls a lever, dropping away the bridge she and Crystal are standing on and dumping Crystal in a lava pit while Haley survives due to her fly wand. Crystal makes one final declaration of hate towards Haley before burning to death and sinking beneath the lava, killing her for good.
Trivia[]
- The panel depicting Crystal's death is a parody of the T-1000's death in Terminator 2: Judgement Day.