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Peaked? Peaked, Dee? Let me tell you something: I haven't even begun to peak. And when I do peak, you'll know. Because I'm gonna peak so hard that everybody in Philadelphia's gonna feel it.
~ Dennis, after Dee accuses him of having "peaked" in high school.
My nose was chiseled by the gods themselves, Frank. My body was sculpted to the proportions of Michelangelo's David.
~ Dennis to Frank.
I'm going for that Jesus on the cross look.
~ Dennis Reynolds

Dennis Reynolds is one of the five main protagonists of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia and a member of "The Gang" and twin brother of Dee Reynolds. Dennis is an amoral, perverted narcissist who uses and manipulates people to get what he wants; it is frequently implied that he has Borderline Personality Disorder.

He was portrayed by Glenn Howerton, who also played Jack Griffin in A.P. Bio as well as Wendell Albright in the It's Always Sunny episode, "Dennis Looks Like a Registered Sex Offender".

Biography[]

Early life[]

Dennis was born on August 18, 1976, alongside Dee, to Barbara and Frank Reynolds. When he and Dee were children, their grandfather took him and Dee to a summer camp - that turned out to be a Neo-Nazi camp. During his childhood, he killed four crows right in front of Dee. It's unknown if this was a physical occurrence or his cruelty towards animals.

He was dismissed from a counselor position in summer camp due to being accused of statutory rape, but still maintains he just kissed the girl in question and that she was only a year younger than him.

Personality[]

Oh, for god's sake, you're a complete sociopath!
~ Dee, to Dennis, while he was demonstrating his "D.E.N.N.I.S. system"

Dennis has grandiose delusions that cause him to believe that he is extremely attractive to others. He often "pops off" his shirt in inappropriate situations. He frequently obsesses over any possibility that he may have a visible physical flaw and often spends the remainder of the episode trying to correct it. Dennis is actually very insecure about his looks. Any critique of his looks, however mild or trivial, deeply distresses Dennis and often leads him to extreme behavior. When Dee countered Dennis' insults by claiming that he has a "fat face," it temporarily caused Dennis to become dangerously anorexic.

Dennis' delusions of grandeur extend to his relationships with others. In high school and college, Dennis believed that he was a legend that others looked up to. He later found out that he was wrong on both counts.

Villainous Actions[]

When Dennis Reynolds was a counselor at Camp Cumberland, he was sent home for the statutory rape of a teenaged camper. A vote for Dennis Reynolds is a vote for underage rape. Dennis Reynolds, baby rapist. Don't let him rape you, Philadelphia.
~ Mac tries to ruin Dennis' chance of running for District 37 Comptroller by exposing some of his crimes.

Dennis' selfishness and narcissism is so extreme that he has no empathy for anyone. He routinely destroys others' property, and casually mentions psychopathic acts without any awareness that others might be disturbed by them:

  • He vandalized Art Sloan's house, and set his yard on fire.
  • He offered to "frame bang" their lawyer's wife, and was surprised when the lawyer referred to it as rape.
  • Mac is disturbed when he tells him that a good reason for them to have a boat is so they can get women out in international waters, where they will not refuse their sexual advances "because of the implications.". He tries to (falsely) reassure Mac that he's not actually going to rape any women, only just that the women will feel like they should give them what they want, "because of the implication.".
  • He has many bench warrants for sexual misconduct, and is implied to be a serial rapist.
    • One of his "erotic memoirs" was posted on the defunct Paddy's Pub Blog. The chapter tells of how he met a bartender at a bar in Lyndhurst, New Jersey. The ending states that "I am not legally permitted to return to Lyndhurst, New Jersey", implying that the woman was, in fact, raped, and pressed charges against him.
  • He created the D.E.N.N.I.S. system which is basically a way to seduce women by pretending to love them. To which the acronym's are: Demonstrate Value, Engage Physically, Nurture Dependence, Neglect Emotionally, Inspire Hope, Separate Entirely. The system starts out as a harmless white lie, before crossing into stalking, property damage, emotional abuse and gaslighting.
    • In Season 16, he introduced a reverse version, the S.I.N.N.E.D. system, as a way of seducing men. To which the acronym's are: Suppress your instincts, Inflate his ego, Need his power, Negate his power, Engage physically, Do you want a tissue?
    • Even worse, The D.E.N.N.I.S. System inspired the rest of the Gang to create their own "systems": About halfway into the titular episode, Frank and Mac are revealed to have their own systems, where Mac comes in after Dennis and Frank comes in after Mac. In "The Gang Group Dates", Dee creates her own system to not just seduce men, but also to increase her power over them. Charlie is the only member of the Gang who does not have such a system.
  • In the episode "Time's Up for the Gang", he teaches the others how to get away with sex crimes, telling them that he sends texts to himself from his victim's phones indicating consent in order to stave off accusations of assault.
  • In the episode "Frank Falls Out the Window", he plans to take advantage of Frank's amnesia by tricking him into giving away all his money and then kicking him out of the gang.In
  • Season 4, he did a similar thing with Mac where they set out to hunt Rickety Cricket just to prove to Frank that a hunter's only true challenge was to hunt something that could hunt them back.
  • To get Mac off his back for being annoying, he created a fake boyfriend for him, named Johnny.
  • When he and the Gang tried to reactivate the old Risk E. Rats mascots, a fire broke out, injuring several people. In order to avoid questioning, they slipped away.
  • He and Mac bought riot gear to help the 2020 presidential elections sell. However, they instead used this opportunity to drive interest in their musical careers. These actions resulted in voting delays.
  • Dennis' layover in North Dakota resulted in him accidentally fathering a child. When the boy's mother visited him in Philadelphia, he enlisted everyone's help to help him get out of having to raise the child.
  • He and Frank pretended to be cops in order to get free hot dogs.
  • Him, Dee and Frank started a mobile experience for their bar, but after the customers felt uncomfortable, they let them out but not before stealing their wallets and phones to prevent from ratting on them to the cops.
  • He alongside Charlie went on a manhunt for a random patron of a gin bar found on Facebook all because the patron shushed the gang for talking too loudly, even going as far as to attempt a false accusation of the man by claiming he and Charlie were sexually assaulted by him.
  • He went to an abortion rally to pick up women.
  • When Charlie failed to show up to his boxing match, Mac went in his stead to box. Dennis placed a bet on Mac, but then decided to bet against him, knowing that he would lose. Later, when the two of them were confronted by a mugger, Mac found out about this and, as revenge, ditched Dennis.
  • In a sequence in an episode depicting what the Gang would do when held up by a robber, he is shot in the head by the robber. He survives and is nursed back to health by Jackie Denardo. While roller-skating, she is hit by traffic. At the hospital, Dennis asks what happened to her implants. When the doctor reveals they were destroyed, he suffocates her with a pillow.
  • In "Charlie Work", he and the Gang (save for Charlie who was ensuring the bar pass a health inspection) tried to exploit a loophole in the airlines system: they used Frank's credit card to buy airline tickets which they used to purchase 400 steaks. Since they knew that the delivery company delivered all kinds of animal produce, their plan was to contaminate the steaks using chicken feathers by rubbing chickens onto the steaks. Next they planned to repackage the steaks and return for actual cash.
  • Accidentally backed his car into Charlie, crippling him.
  • Him and the Gang have given alcohol to minors which resulted in them getting into a mess with their patrons love lives.
  • He and Dee posed as crack addicts in a failed attempt to qualify for welfare.
  • He threatened Charlie by telling him he will have sex with the Waitress if he does not relieve of doing the Charlie Work (this is the term given to the disgusting duties that Charlie does).
  • When dismissed by an environmentalist, he spitefully tricked him into tying himself to a tree (that the government was going to cut down), banged the man's girlfriend and then took great pleasure after seeing the government tear the tree while he forced the man to watch.
  • After destroying the Jewish man's building (see above), he was assigned to coach a kid's basketball team. In order to ensure a win, he encouraged the kids to be violent towards the other team.
  • As a child, he took great joy out of snapping the necks of crows, doing so to at least 4.
  • When he and Mac began staying in the suburbs, he deliberately tried to drive Mac to believing he was insane by hiding the fact that he was hearing the same beeping sound that Mac was hearing all because he "hated (Mac)".
  • Dennis has hit Dee twice with his car, Seasons 2 and 15.
  • During the Ireland arc in Season 15, Dennis did the following:
    • Dennis found it easier to drive on the right-hand side of the road, despite the risk of crashes that could seriously injure or kill everyone in the car, easily making this one of his worst crimes, as it deliberately puts everyone's lives in danger for no reason other than the fact that he didn't like driving on the left hand side of the road.
    • Was driven mad during a stay in a castle and actually tried to kill Dee with an axe.
    • Tried to brutally humiliate Shelley Kelly, Charlie's biological dad, by trying to get him to eat a piece of fecal matter so that Charlie would go back to Frank.
    • Selfishly hung off of Shelley Kelly's corpse just because he was paranoid that he would hurt his back carrying it, making it heavier and slowing the rest of the Gang's journey up the mountain.

Quotes[]

The whole purpose of buying a boat in the first place was to get the ladies nice and tipsy topsides so we can take them to a nice, comfortable place below deck and, you know, they can't refuse... because of the implication. [...] Well dude, think about it: she's out in the middle of nowhere, with some dude she barely knows. She looks around and what does she see? Nothing but open ocean. "Aaah, there's nowhere for me to run! What am I gonna do, say no?". Nah, no, it's not dark. You're misunderstanding me, bro. Yeah, you are. Because if the girl said "no", then the answer obviously is no. But the thing is, she's not gonna say no. She would never say "no", because of the implication.
~ Dennis' iconic "implication" line
I've contained my rage for as long as possible, but I shall unleash my fury upon you! LIKE THE CRASHING OF A THOUSAND WAVES! BEGONE VILE MAN, BEGONE FOR ME! A STARTER CAR? THIS CAR IS A FINISHER CAR! A TRANSPORTER OF GODS! THE GOLDEN GOD! I AM UNTETHERED AND MY RAGE KNOWS NO BOUNDS!
~ Dennis Reynolds
Oh, isn't this fun? Yet another reason why women can’t compete with men. Besides your physical limitations, if given the opportunity to either work together as a team or tear each other apart, you will always choose the latter. Because women are devious and destructive and will always default to using their insidious venom on the most sought-after victim of all... each other.
~ Dennis Reynolds' misogyny
Dennis: Dee? I swear you would be of more use to me if I skinned you and turned your skin into a lampshade. Or fashioned you into a piece of high-end luggage. I can even add you to my collection.
Dee: Are you saying that you have a collection of skin luggage?
Dennis: Of course I'm not, Dee. Don't be ridiculous. Think of the smell. You haven't thought of the smell, you bitch! Now you say another word and I swear to God I will dice you into a million little pieces. And put those pieces in a box, a glass box, that I will display on my mantel.
~ Dennis displaying his psychopathic nature to Dee
It's hot, huh? Yeah. It is super hot. Yeah. It's getting real hot around here. So hot, Wally. But you don't really know what hot is, do you? Hot is a storm. Have you ever been in a storm, Wally? I mean, a real storm? Not a thunderstorm, but a storm of fists raining down on your head, blasting you in the face, pummeling you in the stomach, hitting you in the chest so hard you think your heart's going to stop. Have you ever been in a storm like that, Wally?
~ Dennis yelling at his neighbour, Wally.
I'm not letting you in, pig! When I show up to work, everyone will be like "Why is there blood all over you?" Because I had to slit the guy's throat who causes all the traffic!
~ Dennis' road rage
Dennis: Now, the first step to any erotic conquest is to D: demonstrate your value. In this most recent case, my subject was Caylee, a cute pharmacist. I demonstrated my value to her by filling a prescription. I told her "It's for my grandmother. She's quite ill", thus demonstrating my value as a loving grandson and an all around great guy.[...] Once you've demonstrated your value, you are going to want to ask her out. Once you've asked her out, you move onto E: engage physically. I personally try to engage the girl physically without ever going on the date, which to me is really just a waste of time and money. I'll tell her I know this great little restaurant, doesn't take reservations. That makes it sound cool, makes it sound exclusive. And then when we get to the restaurant, the restaurant is closed, as, of course, it always is on Sundays. So I'll feign surprise and say something along the lines of, "Well, I guess we could grab a pizza and watch a movie at my place."
Mac: That's where I come in.
Dee: Oh, you're a part of this?
Dennis: Oh, yeah. Mac has a very special place in my system.
Mac: Yeah, you see I'm on the couch when they come in and ask to be alone. And I say, I can't go into my room because "i found a black widow spider in there!" And then Dennis fires back that he wants some privacy, so that they can get to know each other more better.
Dennis: And then, I say, "Oh, well, I guess we could always eat the pizza on my bed and watch the DVD in my room." And once we are on my bed, it is game over. I engage her physically and the sexual waltz begins.
Caylee: Pizza's good.
Flashback Dennis: You're the one that's good.
Dennis: OK. Now, once you've had sex with the woman, she will naturally start to depend on you, okay? All women do this. Right, right. Which brings to the first N: nurturing dependence. You're going to want to nurture that dependence that she's feeling on you now, guys. Have her car towed. Or you can slash her tires. Either way, make her depend on you for rides. Or you can use my personal go-to, which is to create a fictional angry neighbour who's threatening her and tell her you'll take care of her. Hit up a payphone so that she can't trace the calls back to you. Give her a call and say something along the lines of "I'm watching you, you bitch! You're going to die tonight!" [...] Now, if you've completed all the other steps properly up to this point, she'll naturally want to take the relationship to the next level. But you're not going to do that, you're going to do the exact opposite. Pull back, guys, pull back! Which brings me to the second N: neglect emotionally. You stop taking her phone calls. Cancel all your plans. Maybe that fictional angry neighbour that you've simulated comes back and this time, you're not around to cool her off.
Flashback Caylee: Hello?
Flashback Dennis: Welcome to hell!
Dennis: This will frighten the shit out of her, okay? She'll start getting real mixed up because you're not there to protect her. She'll start questioning her self-worth, start questioning her- her self-esteem. And that's the perfect time to I: Inspire hope. In Caylee's case, I went to her window and I screamed "Caylee, listen, listen, wait! I want to tell you that the reason I was distant is because I was afraid that you were going to break my heart and I got scared. But I'm not scared anymore, baby. I love you. I need you." And then, naturally, we bang. And this is the best bang of all because it's very emotional for her. You see, she thinks broken through my tough exterior and coerced affection from a man who was afraid to love. And then I slink out into the night, never to talk to her again.
Mac: Separate entirely.
Dennis: Yes, Mac. That's right. I S: separate entirely. D-E-N-N-I-S: The DENNIS System. That my friends, is the key to winning any girl's heart.
~ Dennis showing the Gang how the D.E.N.N.I.S. System works
British Dennis: It's your choice.
Dennis: It's my choice.
British Dennis: It's your universe.
Dennis: It's my universe.
British Dennis: And you are God.
Dennis: I. Am God.
~ Dennis in a sensory deprivation tank
I think all these chicks are gay.
~ Dennis at an abortion rally.
Dee, you scared the crap out of me. What are you doing?
~ Dennis and Dee loot Barbara's house.
He's getting a weapon everybody. Everybody get a weapon!
~ Dennis while filming the Jihad Tape.
Now as long as you hurt the other kid as bad or worse than he hurts you, you will have done your job. And I'll be proud of you.
~ Dennis coaching his basketball team.
I'll read the words you wrote. "Hello fellow American. This you should vote me. I leave power. Good. Thank you. Thank you. If you vote me, I'm hot." What? "Taxes, they'll be lower. Son. The Democratic vote for me is right thing to do Philadelphia, so do." This doesn't make any sense!
~ Dennis reads the election speech wrote for him.
Look the point is if Charlie took any time to study in school, he would recognize that the Constitution protects my freedom to blow smoke all over his face.
~ Dennis, on America's freedom laws.
The plan is I get close to Dee. When she goes to punt the ball, I'll fire the gun. It'll startle her. She'll blow the kick.
~ Dennis plans to ruin Dee's chances of getting into the Philadelphia Eagles.
Margaret, you like sweat, don't you. Margaret--it is Margaret, isn't it? Of course it is. You know, your eyebrow drives me crazy. It's so thick, i'ts so dark, so very...connected. You're a stone cold fox, Margaret. You're a stone cold fox, and I want you. I gotta have you--I need you. I want you inside me. But you know that, don't you, Margaret?
~ Dennis attempting to seduce Margaret McPoyle.
When she jumps up on the stage we'll blast her with the water, the crowd will go crazy, the other girls are gonna wanna join in, and we will save the bar and then she'll break up with Charlie ruining any hopes for happiness that that son of a bitch ever had.
~ Dennis hosting a wet t-shirt competition.
Actually Mac, you got it backwards. See, a power-bottom's actually generating all the power by doing most of the work.
~ Dennis, to Mac.
There is no banging old ladies or dudes, all right? I will be providing a very important service, however, as what I would like to be called: a handsome companion.
~ Dennis is pimped out.
Frank: Don't even joke about hunting no man.
Dennis: Who's joking? I'm not joking.
~ Dennis and Mac prepare for a manhunt, against Frank's wishes.
Hey, I'm not burning the duster! Okay, I'm not burning the duster. Alright. That's crazy. That's like...that's insane. Why would I ever burn...heh...I mean c'mon...I will continue to wear it in his honor and I will burn some other things. You know, maybe like these stupid god damn sleeveless t-shirts that he wants "retired" and hung up in the bar. I'll burn these, but I am not burning the duster. Okay? So forget it. It probably won't even burn anyway. It's not supposed to, it's flame retardant. That's like the whole point. It's like a shield of armor. So stop asking me to burn the duster! I'm not going to burn it! So...end of story, you know? Let's just move on. Okay? So...yeah, alright, well uh thank you.
~ Dennis refusing to honor the wishes of Mac's will.
Yeah, I knew you guys were alive, okay? I figured it out right before the funeral. 'Cause I could hear you guys rustling around in the vents. You were speaking at full volume. Okay? Did you think you were being like crafty? And I could see you staring at me through the window. You know I can see through my windows, right? I wanted to piss you off.
~ Dennis revealing that he already knew that Mac and Charlie were actually still alive.
Dude, do you have a boner right now?!
~ Dennis, to Mac during a performance of The Nightman Cometh.
Dennis: No, no, of course we shouldn't bash these people up. Look, okay, absolutely, we could cave the husband's skull in here. Yes, we could take the wife down to the basement, have a frenzied free-for-all with her. We could tie the kids up in their little rooms upstairs, so they wouldn't hear anything.
Mac: In that scenario you'd have to kill the kids because they would have seen our faces.
Dennis: Right; we could smear the walls with their blood, guys... There are any number of twisted scenarios that could play out here. But the easiest thing, really, is to just go get the deed.
~ Dennis to Mac, attempting to exploit the mortgage crisis.
That is beyond retarded what you're saying right now. I can do way more push ups then you even though I was just hit by a car.
~ Dennis boasting to Mac.
I'll tell you what buddy, I can help you out. I'm gonna toss a frame-bang your way. Here's how that works: I slip into your house one night while your wife is sleeping.. and I ease into her real nice. That way you're both cheating on each other and she can't clean you out.
~ Dennis offers to frame-bang the Lawyer's wife.
I do not like it with the skin, Dee! I'm not allowed to eat it with the skin! I'M NOT ALLOWED!
~ Dennis to Dee on how an apple's skin is toxic.
Yeah, we both got punked, Frank. We both got punked. These kids these days, I'll tell you what, they're nothing like we used to be back when we were in fraternities. They have no respect for anybody. Okay? They're like-they're like stupid little goddamn savages. I mean, I came in there, right, and I was polite and I was nice to them. I was cordial. And they completely goddamn disrespected me, little IDIOTS! IDIOTS! I was completely respectful. They're supposed to be my brothers, right? They're my brothers? Nooo, no. That's not fun. What they were doing wasn't fun. They kept zapping us, and zapping us! IDIOTS! SAVAGES! IDIOTS! IDIOTS!
~ Dennis after the fiasco with the frat boys.
So, uh, Dennis and Dee Reynolds here, we are talking about the homeless issue here in Philly, that's a big issue these days and we're here with our friend Cricket, he is a homeless man. Cricket, walk us through a day in your life.
~ Dennis and Dee starting up a podcast.
There's countless examples of very classy actors doing black face. We got the great C. Thomas Howell in Soul Man. We got the Wayans Brothers in White Chicks. That was a very tasteful example of reverse blackface.
~ Dennis counting off examples of blackface.
Dennis: She's got a decent bone structure she was probably very pretty when she was young. Probably spent her summers here lounging on the beach, and scooping ice cream.
Dee: But she didn't want her summers to end so she got herself a fake ID and a push-up bra and started hanging out at the local bars.
Dennis: Yep. Developed a nasty coke habit cause she loved the way it made her feel. Extreme highs gave way to extreme lows and she fell into a depression.
Dee: Had herself a kid. Thought it would give her a sense of purpose. And it did for a while, until she started using again.
Dennis: Then social services came knocking on the door, and now the kid lives upstate with his grandparents cause she can't take care of this kid. And here she is festering away in a one-bedroom apartment waiting for the HIV to turn into AIDS. And wondering what the hell...
~ Dennis and Dee describing one of the inhabitants at the Jersey Shore
See, you've all been trying to convince the IRS that Dee's baby is alive. What you really need to be doing is convincing the IRS that Dee's baby is dead.
~ Dennis helping Dee get out of an IRS audit
How did you not know... that the reason I invited you back to my bar... was to bang you?... Get out of here! Get the hell out of here! Get... Get out of here! Shoo away from me!
~ Dennis unsuccessfully tries to seduce two girls.
God dammit Dee! Your back is so boney and crooked and all over the place I can't get a flat surface!
~ Dennis and Dee playing Chardee MacDennis
We immediately escalate everything to a ten... somebody comes in with some preposterous plan or idea, then all of a sudden everyone's on the gas, nobody's on the brakes, nobody's thinking, everyone's just talking over each other with one idiotic idea after another! Until, finally, we find ourselves in a situation where we've broken into somebody's house – and the homeowner is home!
~ Dennis describing how their group acts while breaking into a house with Frank and Dee.
I was speeding through the steps. I have the system that... I was demonstrating value on the dance floor, and then I engaged you physically when I put my hands on your hips. Now I'm nurturing your dependence by letting you talk shit about your boring, worthless, piece-of-shit husband. Then I was gonna take you into an empty broom closet and I was gonna bang the shit out of you. And then I was gonna neglect you emotionally. That's what I do, Christie. And it was working. I was manipulating your feeble little brain into doing what I want. What I want. And then now it's what you want.
~ Dennis attempted to speed through the D.E.N.N.I.S. System in order to seduce a girl at his high-school reunion.
I-I-I-I like to bind, I like to be bound! I- uh... that's not important! D- don't ask me questions, I'm not taking questions, the golden god is not taking questions, I AM THE GOLDEN GOD!
~ Dennis' fetishes.
Big time, yeah. Oh, yeah, I got off a couple times when we were watching the video presentation. Then when he called me out for not being Brian LeFevre? Whoo, that got me big time. Oh, man, did I get off. Yeah, and then he showed the finger. That was the big one.
~ Dennis revealing that he is not Brian LeFevre.
Dennis: You actually don't believe in evolution anymore?!
Charlie: I don't know, he created a reasonable doubt. He makes you sound like a stupid, uh, science bitch.
~ Dennis' reaction after Mac successfully disproves evolution.
Wait, wait, wait, so what are you saying? That... we'd never had the flu, we were just having alcohol withdrawl?
~ Dennis realizing that they are all alcoholics.
Well, if I've learned anything from films like Executive Decision or Passenger 57, there's always a way into the cargo hold.
~ Dennis whilst doing the Wade Boggs challenge.
I- I used to be a cool guy, right, with a cool car hanging out all the time, and now I'm a- what am I? I'm a chauffeur to a bunch of worm-sucking idiots!
~ Dennis after missing a party boat.
Dee: You guys, I know what it is. It's failure.
Dennis: That's too pathetic.
Frank: Liberal yahoos taking my guns.
Dennis: That is a political firestorm, Frank! No!
~ The Gang on a quiz show.
It makes sense, don't be a bitch- what it means is, every one of our shares gets passed down to our firstborn.
~ Dennis vies with the rest pf the Gang for control over Paddy's future.
Charlie, calm down. It's g- it's gonna be fine, okay? We can't be freaking out every five minutes. Now, look... if we work together, everything's going to be fine! We're gonna get out of here!
~ Dennis trying to calm down Charlie, during the events of The Gang Goes To Hell, Part 2.
No, that's not what I'm saying, though. More importantly, that's not what the algorithm is saying. You see, we've already established that this guy wants to die, and that it would actually benefit our bar if he dies. Now, of course, from an emotional standpoint we feel as though we should get involved, we feel as though we should save this guy, but the algorithm is actually telling us that that does not benefit anybody. The algorithm is telling us mathematically, scientifically, that this guy could die, wants to die... and that we should help him do it. That's just math.
~ Dennis discusses with the Gang what they should after a suicidal man ends up on the roof of the building.
If you do not get my sister her stories and a new room as soon as possible, then I will come down on this hospital like the hammer of Thor! THE THUNDER OF MY VENGEANCE WILL ECHO THROUGH THESE CORRIDORS LIKE THE GUST OF A THOUSAND WINDS!
~ Dennis threatening a hospital receptionist.
Dennis: As you're both aware, I have a foolproof system for attracting a woman. But, I also have a foolproof system for attracting a man. Now, it begins with me setting you both up with nice, normal dates. You'll begin by greeting them with the traditional pleasantries.
Fatsforward Mac: Very nice to meet you, Patrick.
Fastforward Dee: Kyle, it's a pleasure.
Kyle: The pleasure's all mine.
Dennis: I'll be nearby, of course, to make sure nothing goes awry. Step one. S: suppress your instincts. So your first instinct is going to be to try to make yourself seem awesome to him. But that's wrong, because this isn't about you. This is a man we're talking about. It's always about him, okay? So you're going to I: inflate his ego. Make him feel like
he's awesome. He's funny. He is the most interesting person in the room.
Fastforward Mac: You're the most interesting person in the room.
Fastforward Dennis: Oh, oh, oh! Hi! Hello. I just wanted to come over and introduce myself. I'm - I'm the manager of the establishment.
Fastforward Mac: Yes, I was just saying that he's the most interesting man in the room.
Fastforward Dennis: Yeah, you know, I caught that, actually. And I wanted to say to you that Mac does, in fact, know everyone here, which he would, of course, have to in order to have said something like that. SO it's meaningful.
Dennis: Now, once your man is feeling important, you're going to show him that you N: need his power. See, every man's greatest fear is that he's a pussy. You need to make him feel powerful.
Fastforward Dee: Oh, boy. Ooh. Oh, man. I just can't seem to get this open. Do you think you could help me out?
Kyle: Sure. Wow, this is really on tight.
Fastforward Dee: Are you, are you being serious? Oh, Christ, bozo, give it back to me. I'll do it.
Fastforward Dennis: Wait, no, no, no, you can't! You can't. You couldn't. No one could, because these bottles are all -uh- they're defective and unopenable. Yeah, there's been a recall actually, see? It's -it's- impossible. Nobody can get these open today. You know what? You do look very, very strong. Do you mind giving this one more shot for me? See if you can get it.
Fastforward Dee: Oh!
Fastforward Dennis: Whoa!
Fastforward Dee: Wow!
Fastforward Dennis: Wow!
Dennis: Now that your man is feeling powerful, on top of the world, you must rip it away from him. You're going to N: negate his power. Okay. But this needs to be subtle. A man's ego is fragile. The goal here is to make him feel that he may be a tad bit inadequate in comparison, maybe, to a former lover. But don't lay it on too thick.
Fastforward Mac: I used to fuck Lebron James.
Fastforward Dennis: Oh, God.
Dennis: Now, even if things have gone a little off the rails at this point, we can still get things back on track with a classic E: engage physically. Yeah, but you've got to make sure that your physical engagement is appropriate to the environment, okay? Your demeanor wants to remain elegant and classy.
Kyle: What are you doing?
Fastforward Dee: I'm grabbing your ding-dong.
Fastforward Dennis: No! yeah, that's a-
Dennis: And now for the final step, the most profound move of the entire system. D: do you want a tissue? You see, with this one simple but profound question, you instantly transport this man back to a time when he was a tiny snot-nosed little bitch who depended on the most important person in his life for absolutely everything. The person who inflated his ego, who made him feel powerful, but also powerless, the person whose validation he's been seeking his entire life. Guys, the way to make a man fall in love with you is to make him feel like you are his mommy.
Patrick: Well, it's getting late.
Fastforward Dee: Yeah. Yeah, we should probably call it.
Fastforward Mac: I have one thing that I'd like to ask you. Um, do you need a tissue?
Fastforward Dee: Do you need a tissue?
Patrick: What?
Kyle: What?
Fastforward Dee: You need a tissue.
Fastforward Mac: You need a tissue.
Patrick: Oh! Oh, really. Ah. That's embarrassing.
Fastforward Dee: Hang on. All right. Stop it. There we go. Come here. There we go. Now my little man is all ready for his day.
Dennis: Before, they wanted nothing more than this date to be over. But now they can't help but ask-
Kyle: Hey, uh, any chance-
Patrick: -would you want to-
Kyle -do this again-
Patrick: -sometime?
Fastforward Mac: It worked.
Dennis: And there you have it. That, my friends, is the S.I.N.N.E.D. System.
Mac: Oh!
Dee: Whoa!
Mac: Amazing!
Mac: Crazy creepy, though with all the mom stuff.
Dee: Oh, yeah, very creepy.
Mac: And the name's a little heavy-handed.
Dee: Yeah, it took a- took a lot to get there.
Mac: It's not as clean as the D.E.N.N.I.S. System.
Dennis Well, yeah, but listen. The D.E.N.N.I.S. System, that's a system for getting a woman. This is a system for getting a man. And that's why "Sinned" is actually "Dennis" backwards!
~ Dennis explaining how the S.I.N.N.E.D. System works.
Maureen: What? Dennis, do not talk to me that way, I am your wife. Please show me some respect in front of your friends.
Dennis: Uh, you know what? I'm not entirely certain that you
are my wife. Because I remember marrying Maureen Ponderosa. And you are no Maureen Ponderosa.
Mauureen: That doesn't even --I don't know what that-- what?
Dennis: Divorce!
Maureen: What? What did you just say?
Dennis: I will divorce you, Maureen, I'll do it.
Maureen: Okay, you're drunk. Why don't we just go to bed--
Dennis: I'm not drunk. I'm more sober than I've ever been in my entire life. Okay, I'm a little bit drunk --I'm totally drunk-- but my mind is sober. And my mind's telling me the following: I don't love you, Maureen. I don't love you. I never loved you. You're annoying and you're strange.
Maureen: I don't know what to say.
Dennis: Don't say anything, because every time you open your mouth, I'm like, "ohhh!", it's like her breath is, like, always so bad. It's like a dead tooth. It's the dead tooth. I'm saying it now. I'll say it. You have a dead tooth. You realize that, right? And I hate it! And it's annoying!
~ Dennis divorces Maureen Ponderosa, before cruelly mocking her.
Dennis: Your head is a lie.
Dee: Dennis? What are you doing?
Dennis: You've tampered with it, and... we won't stand for it any longer.
Dee: Oh, Dennis, this is just the COVID talking, okay? You're hallucinating!
Dennis: I don't have COVID.
Dee: What? No, Dennis, please! Please, Dennis, it's me! Snap out of it!
Dennis: OFF WITH HER HEAD!!!
~ Dennis attempts to kill Dee in the old Irish castle.
Dennis: Here's a statistic for you: 100% of men are capable of being sexual harassers and 100% of women are capable of being sexually harassed. Now, am I saying that all men are sexual harassers? No, no, no, no. NO Of course not, no, absolutely not, no. Yes, some men are, uh, well, there are- they're sexual harassers, bu they don't represent all men, you know? Just like all women aren't represented by a few bad ones. You know, women like, uh... shows picture of Aileen Wuornos and Hilary Clinton You know, and of course... shows picture of Susan B. Anthony. And then, we've got... shows picture of Dee. Point is, that gender really doesn't have anything to do with it. there's really only one thing that determines whether a person will be accused of sexual harassment and that is ugliness. Let me explain: see, here's a graph of ugliness, as it relates to time. You see how the arrow plunges pretty steeply downward as your ugliness increases? Now, I want you to imagine a scenario for. This man walks into work one day, sees a woman, and says "I like your dress". Mildly sexual, but innocuous enough. Now, imagine the same sentence spoken by this man... [shows a picture of Rickety Cricket] Suddenly, you're very uncomfortable. We're all uncomfortable just looking at him now, because he's gross, he's ugly, he's a little bit of a monster. Now is it this man's fault that he looks this way? No, he was-he was born this way. But the point is, I know it's not my fault, you know? Is it your fault? I don't think so. It's certainly not the woman's fault. You know, the point is, know your place, monster-man. Your time's up. I know what you're thinking. "How do I know if I'm ugly?" Well, if you're not sure, probably best to assume that you are. Everyone in this room is. I did a scan. Now here's the part where you say, "But Dennis, I can't be ugly, I'm rich!" And yes, money can offset and reduce ugliness, but it actually increases your risk. You see, a construction woman can cat-call women all day long, right, and he gets away with it, 'cause nobody gives a shit. But a rich guy? A rich guy's fun to take down. Thumbs up. "But, Dennis", you're saying, "i can't be ugly, and it doesn't matter because I'm gay." Well, guess what, pally? You are ugly, and it doesn't matter how much you work out, it's never gonna change that fact. You've also objectified tons of men , including me. you, know, you gotta stop kissing me, man. I don't want it. I don't want you touching me, at all, okay, it's never going to happen, alright. Not willingly. Your time's up. "But Dennis, i can't be ugly, I'm a hopeless romantic!" But no, you're not, okay? You're a sad, pathetic wretch of a man, so desperate to be loved, that you'll actually go rifling through somebody's garbage. And there is nothing, nothing more unattractive than desperation. Yeah, so you took-- not him, no. I'm talking about you. No, not him either. Yeah, I am talking about you-- you know what? Never mind. Your time's up. "Dennis, I, see, I can't be ugly. I'm a woman" well, no, women can be ugly and you are one of them. One of the ugly ones. You're lanky and your hair's, well, it looks like a wig. yeah, what's going on? Is it a wig? It doesn't matter. Your time's up. But, but, guys, I've got some good news for you, okay? It's not a crime to be ugly. But you can't be ugly and sloppy. So take me, for example [shows a picture of himself]. I'm neither. You see that? That is 11% body fat. Now the only place--
Mac: What year was that photo taken?
Dennis: No, no, not taking questions right now, Mac, so just, yeah. Point is, I keep my body tight. But, I also keep my life tight. I got the tapes, I got the receipts. They're all time-stamped and coded. After every encounter, I received a text, confirming each partners consent and enjoyment
[shows pictures of some of these texts] You may ask "W-would a woman really, really text that, Dennis?" Their phones did. I got the documents to prove it, so don't try coming at me. But some of you, you just haven't been careful enough. So, you're asking yourself, "What can I do to save myself now?" You gotta clean-up your act, otherwise you're going down, and you're going to take me down with you, and I ain't going down, you understand? I've been telling you this for years, but you refused to listen, and so, that's why I had to find a way to make you listen, which is why I created the "Shitty Bars" list! That's right, I made the spreadsheet and I posted it online and I even hired these two bozos to host a seminar.
Alan: Wait,
you hired us?
Kate: You're a monster!
Dennis: Oh yeah? Prove it.
~ Dennis hosts a sexual harassment seminar, exposing how the Gang is hopelessly romantic and exposing his own heinous crimes.

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Trivia[]

  • Following the trend of the other two main characters, Charlie and Mac, Dennis was originally going to be named "Glenn" as a reference to his actor, but he opted not to. The reason for that was because Glenn Howerton wanted to create some distance between him and his character due to his sociopathic behavior.
  • Though not confirmed, in the episode "Frank's Back in Business", it is supposedly suggested that Dennis was directly responsible for the death of Brian LeFevre. Some of the evidences pointing towards this being the case are how Dennis was so eager and nonchalant to go to LeFevre's business meeting as a part of his fetish for "wearing someone else's skin", with him even becoming visibly aroused when Charlie goes into detail about his death near the end of the episode. It is also reported later on in the episode that Brian was stabbed to death by a "crackhead" in the alleyway near Paddy's, and Dennis has been a crack addict ever since the season two episode "Dennis and Dee get Welfare" and has occasionally relapsed. Giving the disturbing implications and the ambiguity, this was never confirmed nor denied in the actual show and remains a fan theory ever since.

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           It% 27s Always Sunny in Philadelphia % 282005% 29 Villains

The Gang
Charlie Kelly | Dennis Reynolds | Ronald "Mac" McDonald | Dee Reynolds | Frank Reynolds

Reynolds Family
Frank Reynolds | Dennis Reynolds | Dee Reynolds | Gino Reynolds | Barbara Reynolds | Henrich Landgraf | Bill Ponderosa

Recurring Characters
Jack Kelly | Luther McDonald | Liam and Ryan McPoyle | Pepper Jack

The Nightman Cometh
Nightman | The Troll

Others
Gary | Wendell Albright | Bobby | Walter Harris | Don Sal

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