|“||My heart and actions are utterly unclouded! They are all those of "justice".||„|
|~ Funny Valentine|
Funny Valentine is the main antagonist of the 7th part of JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, Steel Ball Run.
He is a veteran of the American Civil War and would later become the 23rd President of the United States.
|“||In a society like this table, a state of equilibrium, once one makes the first move, everyone must follow!||„|
|~ Funny Valentine|
Valentine has also demonstrated that he is an absolute patriot to his country, as his motive to get the Corpse parts is deflect any and all misfortune in the United States to a different spot in the world and ensure that the United States is the greatest country on Earth. He's actually so much of a patriot that he was turned on sexually by the fact he was in the room that the Declaration of Independence was written in. However, his patriotism borders onto xenophobia, since he's willing to let any other country be hit with misfortunes without even thinking about it at all.
ChildhoodLittle is actually revealed about Valentine's childhood, except that he held a high respect for justice, even at a young age. Valentine also held high respect for his father who fought for the United States Army.
One day, however, Valentine and his mother were confronted by a soldier who informed them that their father and husband was captured by the enemy and committed suicide, as he refused to betray his country no matter how much he was tortured. The soldier also gave the Valentines a handkerchief that he kept with him during all the torture behind his eye. From that point on, Funny Valentine kept the handkerchief with him at all times as a symbol of his (and his father's) undying loyalty to their country.
American Civil War
Although it was never revealed if Funny Valentine fought for the Union or Confederacy in the Civil War, his unit, the 26th Calvary Unit, went missing in the Arizona desert while training. With the exception of Valentine, the whole unit died out due to either exhaustion or dehydration. Just as Valentine collapsed, he passed out on the Holy Corpse's Heart and was shortly after rescued. He attributed his rescue onto the Corpse's Heart and set out to find the remaining pieces.
At some point later in his service, Valentine is captured by the enemy. During that time, his captors' main form of torture consisted of brutally whipping his back, the scars he received because of this resemble that of the American flag.
The Steel Ball Run Race
Funny Valentine set up the Steel Ball Run race, with promoter Stephen Steel, as a ploy so he could locate and obtain the remaining eight parts of the Holy Corpse. Due to his status as president of the United States, Valentine remained in his train cart for majority of the race and would merely send out his hand picked subordinates to retrieve the parts and ensure they didn't fall into anyone else's hands. Once all nine of the Corpse parts were brought together, Valentine planned to use its powers to deflect all misfortunes that would befall his country to other foreign countries, in order to ensure that the United States was the greatest country on Earth.
Once the arc's protagonists, Gyro Zeppeli and Johnny Joestar, come into possession of the left arm of the Holy Corpse, Valentine begins to crackdown on the duo and sends more elite subordinates, who are mostly stand users as well, after them.
When the race reaches Philadelphia, Valentine, who has used his stand to replace his original stout body with a much more muscular and fit version of himself, uncovers Lucy Steel's attempt of stealing the Corpse parts. The parts he collected wind up inside Lucy and Valentine intends to keep them in her until the time comes to utilize their abilities. It is also at this point that Valentine decides it is time to personally deal with those who conspired against him. With the help of D-I-S-C-O, Valentine attempts to assassinate Johnny, Gyro, Diego Brando and Wekapipo in one fell swoop, which ultimately ends with Wekapipo being killed and with Johnny, Diego and D-I-S-C-O injured. This was also the first time Funny Valentine's powers are fully explained as he switches his body with another Funny Valentine to survive a wound inflicted by Johnny.
With all of the Corpse parts in his possession, and using Lucy as a catalyst, Valentine brings her aboard a train with him to awaken the true powers of his stand, as well as to escape an incoming Diego and Hot Pants. When the two finally do catch up to Valentine's train, they are confronted by a series of Valentine clones, as well as the man himself. After a lengthy fight with Diego, Valentine is almost run over by the train but manages to slip between the tracks into another dimension, thus saving himself and coming back as an unwounded version of himself. Diego on the other hand, wasn't quite as lucky and is cut in half by the train's wheels.
Once back in the train, Lucy's stand takes form and awakens the true power of Valentine's stand, the ability to deflect misfortune. With his newfound ability, Hot Pants is quickly killed by the president and he begins his preparations for the oncoming fight against Gyro and Johnny.
The heroes eventually do make it to Valentine's location, and begin their final battle outside the train and Atlantic Ocean. Valentine showcases his newly found powers by having each of Johnny's bullets deflected to someone else somewhere else in the world, killing them instead of the president. Gyro then prepares to utilize the power of the Super Spin but is stopped momentarily when Valentine inflicts a small non-fatal wound upon him, which slowly travels to Gyro's heart. However, the wound doesn't move quite fast enough to stop Gyro's attack, and it ends up smashing through Valentine's reflective barrier, causing half of his body to age rapidly. Gyro goes for a second attack at Valentine, seemingly killing him, but only causes the other half of his body to age. Valentine then returns once more with a new body and finishes off Gyro once and for all.
With Gyro's death, Johnny desperately tries to shoot Valentine, but with no success. Valentine then shoots Johnny's horse, Slow Dancer, as to not allow his opponent to activate the Super Spin himself. Despite this, Johnny then uses Gyro's steel ball to heal Slow Dancer and gets kicked in air, unlocking the Super Spin technique for himself. With the Super Spin, Johnny shoots a Super Spin embedded shot through Valentine's reflective barrier causing the president to spin infinitely no matter how many times he switches bodies.
After what felt like an eternity, Valentine returns to his own dimension long enough to attempt a bribe with Johnny, with the promises of another dimension's Gyro Zeppeli, to convince him to end the eternal spin. It is also here that Valentine explains the story of his father and the importance of the handkerchief he carries with him to ensure Johnny that he is not attempted to trick him. Johnny believes the president, but gives him one final test. He knocks Valentine's original pistol toward him and tells the president to pick it up, because if Valentine brought another dimension's pistol with him the two pistols would be destroyed. Johnny proved to be correct and shot Valentine one final time, killing him for good. As the final stretch of the race begins, a new enemy appears in the form of a Diego Brando from another universe, being revealed that, before to attempt his gambit on Johnny, Valentine found a living Diego in another universe and convinced him to collect the corpse, using the last of his power to bring him into the base universe.
Since his body was washed away by the Atlantic Ocean, no one (with the exception of Johnny Joestar, Lucy and Stephen Steel) actually knew that he passed away. It was even reported that following his disappearance, his approval rating went as high as 91%. The world never learned the president's true intentions.
Powers and AbilitiesWith his stand Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap (abbreviated D4C), Funny Valentine can freely move between infinite alternate dimensions, given he has completely enclosed his body. In order to jump into another dimension, he must put himself in between two objects, being also able to carry other people with him. With this, he can infinitely swap his body out with another, making him seemingly invincible. If he brings a object or person from another universe, once they get close to their counterpart in the current universe both begin to fuse, being annihilated in the process. Only Valentine himself is immune to this effect, being able to freely interact with other Valentines and bring them with him.
When Lucy's stand awakened D4C's true abilities, he gains the stand D4C - Love Train, which creates a reflective barrier around him that will redirect any misfortune that comes his way to somewhere else in the world. Since the corpse only exists in the base universe, D4C too only exists there.
- Funny Valentine is the first main Stand User villain in JoJo's Bizarre Advanture series (excluding Kars, who never became a Stand User) whose ability is not associated with time.
- Yasuyuki Kase, who voiced Valentine in Bandai Namco Entertainment-Developed Games, would later go on to also voice Mikitaka Hazekura in Diamond is Unbreakable anime.