Will the real venusian please stand up
Looks like you're stuck here
~ Haley talking to the state troopers
Oh, this planet will be colonized, but by Venus...and if you're still alive you will see how much we differ
~ Haley reveals his plan to Ross

Haley is the cook at the Hi-Way diner in Will the Real Martian Please Stand Up, an episode of The Twilight Zone. He was portrayed by Barney Phillips.


At some point in time, Haley came to Earth to see if it was a good planet for colonization and got a job at the Hi-Way.

When state troopers Bill Padgett and Dan Perry enter the diner during a snowstorm, searching for an alien that crashed in a pond nearby and having traced it to the Hi-Way, Haley scoffs at the notion that there may be an alien among the bus passengers sheltering in the diner: Connie and George Prince, a young married couple; Rose and Peter Kramer, an older married couple; Ethel McConnell, a professional dancer; an outlandish old man with a lazy eye named Avery, and Ross, a craggy businessman. The bus driver suddenly remembers that there were only six people on the bus apart from him, however there are seven passengers in the diner. During an argument between Ross and the driver, the jukebox begin playing all by itself, the lights flicker and a sugar bowl explodes. The troopers pull their guns, believing that someone must indeed be a Martian. However, the county engineer calls on the payphone to tell them that the bridge up ahead is now safe to cross. Despite the bus driver's protestations that the bridge isn't safe, everyone settles their tabs with Haley and leaves.

Shortly after this, Ross comes back in and tells Haley that the bridge collapsed, drowning everyone but him. A shocked Haley asks how he survived without getting wet, prompting Ross to reveal he literally doesn't know the meaning of the word wet.

Haley: But how could that be? You're not even wet!
Ross: Wet? What is...wet?
Haley: What do you mean what is wet?!

Ross takes out a cigarette and reveals a third arm, which he uses to stir his coffee. He then demonstrates that the jukebox, the lights, the sugar bowls and even the call from the engineer were illusions, meaning that he was responsible for the deaths of everyone on the bus, as well as the state troopers, and that he was the Martian all along. He says that Mars plans to set up a colony on Earth and his fleet is approaching. However, Haley is unfazed, instead smiling and agreeing that Earth is a good place to colonise, and that several years ago, "we folks from Venus" had sent him out as a scout. He tells Ross that the fleet has been intercepted and destroyed, before revealing that Earth will be colonized by Venus and removing his hat, revealing a third eye.



Haley removes his hat


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