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Oh man, that totally sucks. And we came all this way with foreign exchange students. On a field trip though England. (the ghouls reveal guns). from TEXAS!
~ Jan Valentine (Team Four Star)'s before killing the front guards.
I don't know what's f--king funnier, the fact that you think that your titless ass intimidates me, or that you think my boss would let me live if you did! [Is suddenly enveloped in blue fire] AND NOW I'M ON F--KING FIRE! SO NOW IT'S FREE GAME! The one who sent me... WAS... NAZIS!'
~ Jan Valentine's last words.

This version of Jan is almost exactly like his original counterpart. Who, itself, is very dark humored and comic relief, but also very disturbing and perverted. In this version, he appears to "fuck anything that movies" as he says he'll skull fuck both sir Integra, and the old guys. Even one of his ghouls.

Like his counterpart, this Jan often makes crude and sexual comments, such as saying that his Ghouls armor was "half as thick as his dick" and that Walter would need at least an anti-tank rifle to pierce it. After being defeated by Integra and the committee, he witnesses Seras kill his remaining Ghouls, which prompts him to say "at least I'm gonna die with a raging boner".


Outside the Hellsing property, Luke and Jan Valentine discuss Jan's sexual encounter with Luke's ex-girlfriend, who overdosed on heroine whilst giving him a blow job. The two kill the two guards at the gates and prepare to enter.

As the boring meeting continues, it is interrupted by sudden power surges, which the front desk explains is caused by vampires and an army of ghouls before being killed by said ghouls. After the escape helicopter is destroyed, Integra calls Communications, who reads a rather crude note by Jan before being killed by the latter. Integra then quickly calls Alucard for assistance, but the vampire spitefully refuses to come up, sarcastically following Integra's orders to not come out of his room, and mentioning the bribes she gave him. Alucard then hangs up, having started to watch Adventure Time on Netflix. Enraged, Integra instead calls Walter for assistance.

Meanwhile, Luke finds Alucard's room, as it was easy since there was a large group of guards at the entrance. Walter and the Police Girl arrive through the ducts, ready to aid in defending Integra from Jan and his ghouls. Walter incapacitates several of the ghouls before they enter a phalanx that Jan describes as "half as thick as my dick" and would require an anti-tank rifle to penetrate. On cue, Police Girl decimates the forces with the cannon Alucard made Integra give her.

Jan manages to escape from Walter and the Police Girl's grasp and runs for the meeting room, where Integra and the other Old Assholes blow him to bits with their high power revolvers. Integra then interrogates a weakened Jan, who reveals his bosses were Nazis, which everyone then pretends they didn't hear.