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|“||You said it, man. Nobody fucks with the Jesus!||„|
|~ Jesus Quintana's most famous line|
Jesus Quintana was a minor but iconic villain in the 1998 film The Big Lebowski. He is also the titular protagonist in the 2019 film The Jesus Rolls.
Instead of pronouncing his name as hay-SOOS, which would have been the traditional Spanish way of pronouncing his name, Jesus instead pronounced his name in the English manner. He also insisted on referring to himself in the third person.
According to Walter Sobchak, Jesus is a sex offender with a record. Walter stated that Jesus spent six months at Chino for exposing himself to an eight year old while in a bathroom. Walter also said that Jesus had to go door to door to tell everyone he was "a pederast" upon moving to Hollywood.
Jesus spends a great deal of time at the bowling alley with Liam O'Brien, perfecting his bowling technique and rolling strikes on a regular basis. He is due to face off against Jeff "The Dude" Lebowski. Lebowski admits that Jesus is a good bowler: "The creep can roll, man". Jesus gleefully looks forward to the contest, asking the Dude, Walter, and Donny if they are ready in graphic terms and declaring that he and Liam were going to defeat the Dude and his teammates, also in graphic terms.
Having heard about Walter's propensity to solve issues at the bowling alley with firearms, Jesus makes sure to let Walter know that he would not take any of that lying down. When the Dude mutters, "Jesus," he replies that nobody messes with him (but not in those words).
Jesus is put off when the league reschedules their match to accommodate Walter's religious need to have Saturday off, and angrily demands an explanation. He then storms off, saying that instead of beating on Saturday, he would instead do it the following Wednesday.
After the events of The Big Lebowski, Jesus moved to New York and continued his criminal misadventures. He was convicted of several crimes in New York and imprisoned at Sing Sing. He was released in 2017 after serving his time, but was warned by the warden that if he had another strike he'd be locked up indefinitely.
He celebrated his release by stealing Dominque's car. Jesus along with his friends Petey and Marie and going through upstate New York stealing a number of vehicles and committing other petty crimes.
- "Nobody fucks with the Jesus."
- "Are you ready to be fucked, man? I see you've rolled your way into the semis. Dios mio, man. Liam and me, we're going to fuck you up!"
- "Let me tell you something, pendejo, you pull any of your crazy shit with us, you flash a piece out on the lanes, I'll take it away from you and stick it up your ass and pull the fucking trigger 'till it goes 'click'."
- "HEY! What's this Day of Rest shit!? What's this bullshit!? I don't fucking care! It don't matter to Jesus. You haven't fooled me, but may have fooled the fucks in the league office."
- "This bush-league psyche-out stuff. Laughable, man. Haha! I would have fucked you in the ass Saturday. I fuck you in the ass next Wednesday instead. WOOO! You've got a date Wednesday, baby!"
- "Hit the road sucker before I put it in your ass!"
- Despite the limited role of Jesus Quintana in the film, the character was very popular and it turned out to be one of John Turturro's most well known roles.