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Good 'cause if you ever leave me, I cut myself and than I cut you! I love you Glenn!
~ Joan Quagmire

Joan Quagmire is Glenn Quagmire's deceased (ex-) wife and Peter Griffin's ex-maid.

She was voiced by Nicole Sullivan, who also voiced Shego in Kim Possible, and appeared in the episode "I Take Thee Quagmire".


When Peter surprisingly won Wheel of Fortune, he won a week of free maid service. Joan was his maid, but did a variety of stupid stunts while being his maid.

When she meets Peter's friends, Quagmire falls in love with her and begins dating her, then later proposes to her.

They get married, and Quagmire decides to become more clean and stops his perverted ways. He changes his mind after he spots Lois Griffin's swollen boobs and tries to get out of his marriage. When he tells Joan that they should maybe get a divorce, Joan tells him that she'll cut herself and then Quagmire if that ever happens, so Quagmire tells her that it won't happen.

After realizing he married a psychopath, he decided to fake his death by making a video of him being attacked by a ninja (Joe), a Nazi (Cleveland), and a pots-and-pans robot (Peter), and finally a dinosaur that was actually a toy Peter was holding eats the body. Joan does not become convinced and the gang went with plan "B"; Quagmire coming in and faking a heart attack.

When Death arrives at his fake funeral to take his body away and Mayor Adam West covers the casket with concrete because of his fear of zombies, it is revealed to all the mourners that he's not really dead. When Death tells Quagmire he still has to take a body with him, Joan blocks Death and says "No! You can't take him!" She clutches Death's arm and falls to the floor, dead. Uncomfortably, Peter, Quagmire, Joe and Cleveland point out to Death the facts that she was suicidal and her name was Quagmire." and convinces him to take Joan instead. Death agrees. Quagmire asks him to leave the body for five more minutes.



          Family Guy Logo.svg.png Villains

Griffin/Pewterschmidt Family
Peter Griffin | Lois Griffin | Meg Griffin | Stewie Griffin | Brian Griffin | Francis Griffin | Karen Griffin | Carter Pewterschmidt | Patrick Pewterschmidt | Bertram | Pouncey

Brown-Tubbs Family
Cleveland Brown | Donna Tubbs-Brown | Rallo Tubbs

Recurring Characters
Glenn Quagmire | Ernie the Giant Chicken | Connie DiMico | Principal Shepherd | John Herbert Silverbird | James Woods | Diane Simmons | Joyce Kinney | Jesus Christ | Mr. Washee Washee |

Guest Star Characters
Adolf Hitler | The Man in White | Superman | Bill Cosby | Mr. Rogers | Gloria Ironbachs | Jim Kaplan | Satan | Osama Bin Laden | Big Fat Paulie | The Don | Mr. Harrison | Nigel Pinchley | Eliza Pinchley | Charlie the Bully | Leafers | Mass Media Murderer | Black Knight | George W. Bush | Hennessy | Mel Gibson | Lana Lockhart | Jimmy Fallon | Steve Bellows | Doug the Pimple | Joan Quagmire | Bill Clinton | Kyle | Crippletron | Bob Grossbeard | New Brian | Stewie Wilkes | O.J. Simpson | Miley Cyrus | Deidre Jackson | Franz Gutentag | Evil Stewie | Jeffery Fecalman | Sheriff Nichols | Miss Emily | Charles Yamamoto | The Woodsman | Penelope | Bobby Briggs | Sheldon | Mickey Mouse | Mahmoud | Sonja | Car Driver | Michael Pulaski | Retep | Jamie, Karen and Becca | Liam Neeson | White Fang | Gretchen Mercer | Rob Gronkowski | Harvey Weinstein | Donald Trump | George Townsend | Terminator Peter | Terminator Stewie | Terminator Brian | Terminator Lois | Corona Virus | Brick Baker | Seymour | Alana Fitzgerald

Star Wars Characters
Darth Stewie | Jabba the Swanson | Emperor Carter | Ernie Fett |

Video Games
Family Guy: Back to the Multiverse
Bertram | Long John Peter Griffin | Nurses

Family Guy: The Quest for Stuff
Ernie the Giant Chicken | Stewie Griffin | Retep | Bitch Stewie & Bitch Brian | Big Pete Peter | Jigsaw | Stan Smith

See Also
The Cleveland Show Villains | American Dad! Villains