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|“||I'M NOT A DOUCHE!!!||„|
|~ John Edward|
He is voiced by Trey Parker.
When Cartman's body begins to fail due to having Kenny's soul trapped inside him, Chef takes him, Liane Cartman, Stan Marsh and Kyle Broflovski to New York, in hopes that John Edward's ability to talk to the dead will help get Kenny out of Cartman's body. Unfortunately, everyone except Kyle quickly realizes that his 'gifts' are nothing more than a parlor trick. Kyle however comes to the belief that Edwards spoke to his grandmother, causing him to freak out and join a special school for Jewish kids in New York. Wanting to get Kyle to snap out of his fear, Stan visits Edwards in hopes that he will tell Kyle the truth about his 'powers' being a trick, and thus return home to South Park. Edwards however refuses to admit that he's a fake, prompting Stan to call him a douche and then nominate him for "Biggest Douche in the Universe". Edward freaks out, runs to his panic room to call the police, during which Stan steals several of his books that teach how to fake being a psychic. Stan attempts to use the same tricks Edward used to convince Kyle of the truth. Unfortunately, everyone comes to believe that Stan really is psychic and is given his own television show, during which Stan tells his audience exactly how he does the tricks, reminded them constantly that is not real and that Edwards is a fake. However, the audience is too stupid to understand that he isn't psychic. Edwards then locates Stan, and challenges him to a psychic showdown, because Stan's show is doing better and because Stan continues to say he's a fake. Stan accepts, but at the showdown, tells the audience that he understands their desires to believe in Edwards and are comforted by the idea that their deceased family members are speaking through him, but that in the end it's still just a trick and that their family and friends have better things to do in the afterlife than talking to Edward. Furious, Edwards screams that he really is psychic and special, when all of a sudden an alien ship lands. Several aliens step off, and excitedly greet Edwards, informing him that Stan's nomination for "Biggest Douche in the Universe" was accepted and that he was to go to the awards ceremony. Edwards, screams "I'm not a Douche!" as he's dragged onto the ship against his will. At the ceremony, he wins "Biggest Douche in the Universe" award (selected over an actual douche) and is said to be the first nominee ever to come from the Earth and the Milky Way Galaxy.
In the episodes "200" and "201", Edward is among the celebrities suing South Park.
He is self-absorbed and appears to genuinely believe that he possesses psychic powers. He is also insecure about himself, threatening to run away and lock himself in his panic room when Stan Marsh accuses him of being illegitimate. He also threatens to sue Stan for slander, but does not follow up on this threat.
Edward appears in a blue shirt with black hair and often appears with his eyes not fully open.
- Ironically, Trey Parker and John Edward were born on the very same day - October 19, 1969.
- Therefore, Stan and John Edward were born on the same day, which is fitting as Stan Marsh and John Edward are archenemies.