|This scum Kearney Zzyzwicz is driving Cruella insane!|
IT MUST BE REWRITTEN OR ADDED TO!!
So sayeth the great Lord of Darkness Sauron, or he will send Darth Vader to terminate you.
Help improve this article by rewriting, expanding, updating the poorly written text of the article. ✓
|~ Kearney's catchphrase|
Kearney Zzyzwicz is a minor antagonist of the TV animated series The Simpsons. he is one of Springfield Elementary's many bullies.
He was voiced by Nancy Cartwright.
He has a buzz cut, and wears a torn white T-shirt, blue shorts, and studded wristbands. Although he looks and sounds to be around Jimbo or Dolph's age, Kearney is actually older. He is the only Springfield Elementary School student who remembers the Watergate Scandal and the 1976 Bicenntenial (according to Principal Skinner), was in Otto the bus driver's third-grade class (according to Otto), owns a car (even though he rode the school bus on "A Milhouse Divided", "The Mook, the Chef, the Wife, and Her Homer", and "How the Test Was Won"), regularly shaves, has custody of a child from a divorce, is old enough to vote in a general U.S. election, was sent to prison (though Bart imagined Kearney as one of the juvenile hall inmates in "Marge Be Not Proud" and in "Lisa the Skeptic", Kearney is seen working alongside Jimbo and Dolph in a juvenile hall chain gang), and pays taxes (though it is heavily implied that Kearney has no job nor receives any means of income (in "Kill Gil, Volumes I & II", Kearney asks a department store Santa for a vibrating video game chair for Christmas and Kearney's son tells his father that they cannot afford it), though Kearney had a temporary job as a camp counselor in the season four episode, "Kamp Krusty", along with Dolph and Jimbo, and once applied to be a nanny for The Simpsons (of whom Homer approved, but Marge did not).
It is often drawn to the viewer's attention that Kearney is much older than any of the other children at Springfield Elementary, and moreover he doesn't seem to be ashamed of it. One of his random Level-Up lines in Tapped Out suggests that Kearney remains in school simply because he can't be bothered to pass as he says the school is an easy place to procrastinate. He's been seen shaving in the school bathrooms, smokes have a driving license, and owns an old-style Hyundai - Principal Skinner once attempted to pry off Kearney's hood ornament to replace the 'H' stolen from Superintendent Chalmers' Honda. He's also on the Church Council (along with Marge Simpson, Ned Flanders, Agnes Skinner, Helen Lovejoy, and Jasper) and considers it an important part of the community, and is a member of the NRA, attending their meetings and practicing on their range, so presumably, he legally owns a gun.
Despite being 19 years old, Kearney still requires a fake ID to buy liquor and smokes, meaning his official ID may be invalid, presumably due to buying liquor and smokes for minors (like Jimbo and Dolph). He was in the third grade with Otto Mann and while Jimbo and Dolph finally managed to pass from the fifth grade into the sixth (just as Bart passed from the third into the fourth), Kearney has remained in the fifth grade and seems to have given up on ever passing.
Another thing frequently drawn to attention is that Kearney has married, divorced, and had two sons, one of whom attends Springfield Elementary with him. Interestingly, before Kearney's status as a father was revealed, in Bart Gets an "F" it was Bart's nightmare that he would still be going to school with his sons. Kearney, however, seems to be okay with it. Regarding divorces, he also was shown to sympathize with those who were the victim in any way with a divorce, such as when expressing his condolences to Milhouse when he learned that his parents had divorced.
In The Simpsons: Tapped Out, Kearney mentions he has a son called Jason, and 'Kearney Jr' has not yet been named in the show.
He has another possible son mentioned in the episode Eeny Teeny Maya, Moe.