|“||Oh, I think you're gonna love it! It's just like summer camp, except with brutal forced marches and soul-crushing discipline.||„|
|~ Larry Quinn to Conrad about military school.|
Lawrence "Larry" Quinn is the main antagonist of the 2003 live action film adaptation of The Cat in the Hat. He is the Waldens' pompous neighbor whose goal is to marry Joan Walden for her wealth and get rid of her son Conrad by sending him to military school.
He was portrayed by Alec Baldwin, who also played Dennis in Nickelodeon's The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie, Makunga in DreamWorks' Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa, Mark Cordell in The Juror, and Donald Trump in Saturday Night Live.
Briefly appearing humble, Larry poses as a real estate agent to set himself up as the ideal boyfriend to Joan. But in reality, he's really an unemployed deadbeat living in financial debt. He doesn't truly love Joan, just using her as a pawn in his scheme to gain an easier lifestyle by inheriting fortune via marriage, and cares little for her feelings. He also dislikes being called Larry.
Larry has very poor manners, such as burping in front of others and is too lazy to work for a living; sitting around his home watching television. He has an appetite (using a girdle to cover up his large gut, much to his discomfort) and poor hygiene; evidenced by having false teeth and filthy laundry and dishware around his home.
Larry is also shown to be very vain and an arrogant hypocrite, as he compliments himself as "perfect", despite being a disgusting slob. He also has a manipulative side, constantly using it on Joan to get her to agree with him.
He loathes Conrad as he thinks of him as a stupid kid and a rule-breaker who will never amount to anything in life. He is also very uncaring; at first, he suggested to send Conrad into military school to straighten up his behavior, but it turns out that he only wants to do it to get rid of him. It's possible that he also despises Conrad's sister Sally and dog Nevins (along with other children and animals), calling the former a "suck up" for her sycophant loyalty to her mother and views the latter an insignificant animal, and even attempting to catch them in trouble with Joan as well. This shows he wants to rid Joan of her family so he can maintain control of her and her money.
Larry ends up making a fool of himself after trying to turn Joan against her kids, the only result is a disgusted Joan dumping him for his actions.
Larry first appears posing as a real estate agent, returning Joan's dog Nevins to her after Conrad gets into trouble for messing up the house. He believes the disobedient boy should be sent to military school to discipline him, though Joan, despite Conrad’s misbehavior, is unsure and believes it's not right for him. Conrad overhears his conversation with his mother (along with the attempted manipulation), saying he is not going to military school. Larry immediately displays his arrogance by verbally abusing Conrad before reverting to his facade when sensing Joan's returning presence. He then leaves claiming to have a meeting, though Conrad spots him exiting his car and returning to his house after Joan has driven away from sight.
Later on, Larry confronts Conrad and Sally jumping on their couch. He exposes his true colors by calling Sally a "suck-up". He then shows his gross and greedy side by stealing some beer and bread and burping into their faces, much to their disgust. He leaves when his allergy to cat dander surfaces after the Cat in the Hat's fur falls near him.
Larry is later revealed as a rude, disgusting, careless, and overweight slob with dentures and poor hygiene. Unable to pay off his debts, he lives in financial ruin, so he poses as a real estate agent to get Joan's approval and hand in marriage in order to obtain her wealth and mooch off her from earlier in the film. As several repo men arrive to repossess his TV, much to his dismay, after he fails to pay them with an expired credit card as they leave, he notices Nevins running on the streets again and sees this as an opportunity to get the kids in trouble, finally realizing his goals. He calls Joan on the phone and reports this. Larry brings up the early discussion of military school, to which she reluctantly considers. When her boyfriend just hangs up after a less than empathetic response to her feelings on the matter, Joan grows suspicious of Larry and begins to doubt him, suspecting he might have ulterior motives.
Larry drags Nevins to his car, planning to deliver him to Joan, but Nevins whizzes on his taco as revenge for kidnapping him.
In a deleted scene, while the Cat, Sally and Conrad pursue Larry with Nevins kidnapped, he encounters the repo truck, as well as the repo men from earlier take his repossessed TV into a TV shop called Safari Sam’s. While Larry strikes a deal with the TV salesman about using Joan's money for a new TV, the Cat, Sally, and Conrad manage to rescue Nevins, but were almost caught by Larry, so the Cat disguises himself as an animal rug. While Larry starts his deal, the Cat tries to hold in his painful suffering, but when he sees a guy on a pogo stick, the Cat couldn’t take it anymore and knocks down the employees and Larry. Larry, angry by this, pursues the Cat, the kids, and Nevins out of the TV store and back into the street.
Larry arrives at Joan's office to deliver Nevins to her. But the Cat (posing as a hippie) tricks him into giving Nevins back to the kids. Larry soon realizes the deception after seeing Conrad, Sally, and the Cat scamper off with Nevins as they attempt to hurry home. The Cat drags Larry into his secret place, located in a telephone booth, and manages to get him lost. Unable to find them after exiting, Larry goes back over to Joan’s office and convince hers to go back to the house with him to ensure that her kids were up to no good, constantly nagging her to hurry home. However, they get pulled over by Thing 1 and Thing 2 (posing as police officers).
Seeing the trio in his car, Larry decides to take matters into his own hands by stealing one of the Thing’s motorcycles to drive to Joan’s house himself and tells her to meet him there while the two Things distract Joan. There, he catches the kids and plans to have them punished by their mother and is surprised to see that the house is clean. At that point, the Cat personally appears to startle Larry, who sneezes and staggers into a wall. He screams "JUDAS PRIEST" while falling off a cliff and down in a purple river, revealing a bizarre dimension known as The Mother of all Messes.
Upset by the turn of events and that house being ruined, Conrad and Sally angrily dismiss the Cat by making him leave the damaged house, and decide to take full responsibility for what happened and face punishment from their mother. Fortunately, the Cat and the Things fix and clean up the house magically to its original state (much to the kids’ delight). In the meantime, Larry is revealed to have survived the fall. He's covered in purple slime after being flushed from the house through a small pipe. Recovering, a last dosage of sludge splashes on his face, greatly grossing him.
After the Cat and the Things have left, Joan returns home to a clean house and warm greetings from her kids and Mrs. Kwan before being startled by purple slimed Larry. Seething with anger, he hysterically explains the events that occurred but Joan finds them hard to believe. He tells her she's missing a perfect opportunity and asks her who she'll believe. Joan admits that while Conrad's behavior can go to the point that she could rip her hair off in frustration, she deems he's a good kid and believes in him. No longer susceptible to his manipulations, she dumps Larry and demands him to leave her home. He can only snivel her name as she tears up the military school brochure and plasters it on his sticky chest. He breaks down in tears and falls on his knees. He soon catches a sneeze in his hands and leaving a snot trail between his nose and hands, much to Joan's repulse. Larry tries to make a desperate marriage proposal, but Joan rejects him for his disgusting nature and she and Sally finally close the door on him as he's heard sobbing.
It's unknown what happened to Larry afterwards, though another deleted scene shows him exiting the porch while spotting Nevins licking off a purple goo splotch on the walkway. Angered he's lost his chance at a life of luxury, Larry attempts to kick the dog as revenge against the Waldens. To his surprise, the purple goo transforms Nevins into a larger dog and allows him to fight back by ripping Larry's pants off, much to his embarrassment. Nevins then chases a frightened Larry away while several repo men tow Larry's car away.
It's likely presumed Larry will eventually be homeless unless he finds true employment.