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|“||Pat: (calling from a phone box) It's me Father y' ignorant b******!
Ted: Who's that? Is that you Mustard?
Pat: You got me sacked and now I'm having to yank meself off round the clock, because I haven't had any proper sex with girls.
Ted: (about to put down the phone) Well, if you're going to use that language.
Pat: No, don't hang up, I've got something to tell you. I've left a little surprise on the milk float your little friend took off me. Something to remember me by, A BOMB!
Pat: A very special bomb. When your little friend gets to over 4 miles an hour, the bomb will be armed. But if her comes back under 4 miles an hour then (imitates explosion)
Ted: I'm sorry I lost it there. What happens if it goes under 4 miles an hour?
Pat: It could go off.
Ted: (panicking and dropping the phone) Oh my G**, Dougal!
(Pat laughs evilly)
|~ Pat revealing his revenge scheme of killing Father Dougal McGuire to Father Ted Crilly.|
Patrick "Pat" Mustard is a minor antagonist from the Irish comedy series Father Ted, only appearing in the episode "Speed 3". He serves as Craggy Island's milkman, and also has an addiction to "delivering more than milk on his rounds".
He was portrayed by the late Pat Laffan.
Following Ted and Dougal returning from a contest judging the babies of Craggy Island (which they disliked due to an unnatural number of hairy babies), they find the house over-filled with milk. They discover Mrs. Doyle has become infatuated with Pat Mustard, the new milkman. A coarse and arrogant man, he tells a lot of unrealistic stories about himself including that he fought in the Vietnam War (despite Ireland not joining the war), that he works as a lifeguard or swimming instructor at the local pool (despite being overweight and looking about sixty years old), that he taught Elvis Presley "how to play karate", and that he is a former Mr. Universe. Pat wears a lot of cheap jewellery and drives a pimped out milk float. He is nevertheless very popular with the ladies. Later on while reviewing the pictures of the hairy babies, Ted notices them having Pat's features of his spiky hair, moustache and side burns, realizing that he is the "hairy baby maker".
Confronting him the next morning, Pat partially denies the allegations and claims that he is too careful to be caught. He then manages to trap Ted when he foolishly endorses artificial contraception (as Catholicism is meant to be against it) and claims that Ted would have to get up pretty early in the morning to catch him. Ted and Dougal get up very early in the morning and stalk Pat, spying upon him as he delivers the milk. And sure enough, they soon get evidence of him sleeping with every woman he delivers milk to (even forgetting his trousers after walking out of one home).
Revealing the pictures to his boss, after clearing up the confusion (his boss thought that Ted was selling them to him, and subsequently offered him £16 for it) he fires Pat. And due to there being too much milk, Dougal volunteers to deliver the milk instead. However, angry that he lost his job (and more importantly can't have as much sex as he wants), Pat fits a bomb to the milk float, so that it will arm if it goes over four miles an hour, and will go off once it goes under four miles an hour.
Pat then calls Ted to brag about it, and carries on for several hours, continually talking about how they shouldn't have underestimated him and how dangerous the bomb is, even though Ted left soon after he mentioned it would blow Dougal up. Arriving in his Rover 213, Ted manages to warn Dougal, but is not fast enough to stop him going over four miles an hour, meaning the bomb is armed and Dougal is trapped. To keep him safe, Ted has him drive on to a roundabout and say there, until they can find a solution.
Phoning his friends, Fathers Beeching and Clarke (who live on Barren Island), Ted searches for a solution to the problem, and after holding a Mass, they realize that the answer is in the plot of an action film, but pick the wrong one and watch The Poseidon Adventure. Meanwhile, Pat continues to brag on the phone, unaware (or perhaps not caring) that there is no one listening. Finally finding a solution, Ted steals Jack Hackett's pet brick with the intention of putting it on the accelerator so the milk float will keep driving at 4 miles per hour whilst Dougal can get safely off.
Arriving, Ted successfully pulls off the plan and saves Dougal. They then jump off, leaving the milk float to drive off the roundabout. Meanwhile, Pat finally hangs up the call, having finished boasting, but ironically by chance the milk float crashes straight into the phone box he is in, and the bomb goes off, apparently killing him.
During the end credits, a heartbroken Mrs. Doyle, who hears about Pat's demise, is in the kitchen looking at her shrine of the former milkman that consists of various pictures, a wrench he instructed her to look after and candles in milk bottles. She takes it all down, puts in a suitcase and takes it outside, presumably to bury it.
Afterwards Ted goes outside with the rubbish. As he puts the bag into the bin, Father Jack's pet brick, half-burnt from the explosion of the milk float, strikes Ted on his temple, knocking him out. This is then followed by one of Pat's half-burnt stickers used to pimp out his milk float.
|“||Pat: I'm sorry, I was looking for Mrs. Doyle.
Mrs. Doyle: It is Mrs. Doyle.
Pat: I thought you were Marilyn Monroe.
(Mrs. Doyle giggles)
|~ Pat Mustard on Mrs. Doyle's dolled-up appearance.|
|“||Mrs. Doyle (after seeing Father Ted Crilly) Hello Father. This is Pat Mustard, the new Milkman.
Pat: I was just on the South side of island, thought I'd spread meself around a bit.
|~ Pat Mustard meeting Father Ted Crilly.|
|“||Well I'll be on my way Padre. Off on my rounds.||„|
|~ Pat leaving the Craggy Island Parochial House.|
|“||Ted: I know what's going on Pat Mustard, there's so very hairy babies on Craggy Island and I think you are the hairy baby maker.
Pat: Oh Yeah? Well I think that you would need proof if you're going to make that kind of an accusation and I'm a very careful man Father. A very careful man!
|~ Pat Mustard being confronted by Father Ted Crilly.|
|“||You'd want to get up very early in the morning to catch me Father. Very early in the morning!||„|
|~ Pat setting a challenge for Father Ted Crilly to catch his sexual activity in the act.|
|“||And now to ride Mrs. O'Reilly.||„|
|~ Pat talking about his next woman to seduce.|
|“||Teresa, I forgot me feckin' trousers!||„|
|~ Pat Mustard leaving Mrs. O' Reilly's house "very early in the morning".|
|“||(Pat laughing evilly from the phone box) Oh Yes, they'll be peeling him off the wall for weeks to come.||„|
|~ Pat Mustard boasting on how much his bomb will kill Father Dougal McGuire.|
|“||Have you seen the damage a bomb can do? It'll blow your face into the side of a tree.||„|
|~ Pat Mustard still boasting from the phone box.|
|“||(Pat still in the phone box laughing evilly) Oh Yes, I'm afraid you messed with the wrong milkman Father. (He gets ready to hang up and leave) Well if you don't mind, I'm off. Better get out the earplugs Father because when that milk float goes up, they'll hear it, all the way to the North P...!||„|
|~ Pat's final words before his death.|
- Pat's theme music is Syd Dale's Man Friday.
- The act of Pat putting explosives on the milk float, together with the speed of the milk float triggering them, is an obvious homage to the Speed films. The title of the episode, Speed 3, is also a homage. In an interview, writers and executive producers Graham Linehan and Arthur Matthews said they came up with this episode after asking themselves "How can we make a sequel worse than Speed 2?".
- The stickers Pat uses to pimp out his milk float read "Young Banger", "Shit happens" (which follows the brick when it hits Ted), and "Milkmen - do it on your doorstep" (which gets the "do it" bit blacked out when Dougal takes over).
- Brendan O'Carroll, the Mrs Brown's Boys actor/writer, auditioned to play Pat.
- Pat tells Ted during his phone rant that if/when the bomb goes off, its explosion will be so loud that it will be heard "as far away as the North Pole". True to his word, when the milk float ploughs into the phone box that Pat is in, we see instead of his apparent demise in the explosion, an Inuit man fishing, and then getting startled by hearing the explosion.