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Randall Crawford: You'll never control my body again!
Polyp Man: Oh, no. I think you have that ass backwards! You'll never control MY body again!
~ The Polyp Man to Randall Crawford.

The Polyp Man is a minor antagonist in Paradise P.D., only appearing in the episode "Fallout". He is the colorectal polyp of Randall Crawford, which has been mutated by nuclear radiation and turned into a sentient being, which took over his body and pretended to be him. During this time, he was a better father to Kevin and husband to Karen Crawford than the real Randall ever was.

He was voiced by Tom Kenny.

Biography

Randall Crawford had always suffered from a horrendous polyp, which caused him great pain whenever he sat down. Because of this, he had to use a donut cushion to keep him in good check. However, when Paradise was nuked in "Operation: D.D.', everybody had to rush into the sewers and hide out in there for three months. Randall had no time to get his pillow, but he did have time to stick his butt out of the manhole and shake it at the nuclear explosion while it was happening, exposing his polyp to some radiation. During those three months, Randall's already mutated polyp had to get chaffed by anything Randall sat on, which only made it even more grotesquely prominent.

In "Fallout", Randall finally got out of the sewer, and one of the first things he did was go to the doctor to complain about his polyp. Dr. Funtlichter was horrified to see his hideously overgrown polyp and saw how it looked kind of like a person's face and went to get a scalpel to get that hideous tumor removed. While Dr. Funtlichter was away, Randall's polyp started talking to him, asking him to please not kill him and desiring to be his friend. Randall immediately started to like his polyp and left the hospital with it to be it's friend and not get it removed after all.

Randall and his polyp were quick to become the best of friends. They went to the bar together and started singing a song about their friendship at karaoke night. A montage showed them doing a bunch of fun stuff together, like eating spaghetti at fancy restaurants and sunbathing on the beach. All the while, people on the streets were shocked and horrified to see such an ungodly sight, except for Joe Biden, who derived sexual pleasure from it.

Overtime, the polyp grew larger in size to the point where it was the size of Randall's head. It took on the form of Randall's head and was even able to impersonate his voice quite well. The polyp also grew more powerful and was able to control Randall's body, using his feet as his hands and his hands as his feet, even while Randall was unconscious. Randall didn't like the way his polyp controlled his body but he allowed him to take over for him, while he was forced to go see Hamilton with Karen. Randall took an Ambien and went to sleep, while his polyp took his place and watched the play for him, which he didn't mind, and actually treated Karen well there.

When Randall awoke, he was surprised to see his polyp having sex with his wife. Randall dragged him back into the bathroom, where he scolded him for the act, telling him that it's not his job to do that. Randall told his polyp that he didn't want him controlling big body anymore but the polyp seized control of his body and told him that he was the guy in charge now. The polyp was angry at Randall for torturing him by wiping his rear with extra scratchy toilet paper, putting off ever cleaning him, and overall, just not treating him properly. The polyp shoved a roll of toilet paper in Randall's mouth to keep him silent and took over for him completely, vowing to be a much better father and husband than he ever was.

The polyp man went on to be a much kinder patriarch in the Crawford family, as well as a more benevolent boss to Gerald Fitzgerald and the other workers at Paradise P.D.. The only person who noticed that this guy wasn't the real Randall was Hobo Cop, who knew exactly what was going on. Unfortunately for Hobo Cop, nobody would listen to him.

The polyp went to the park to play catch with Kevin and they talked about his girl problems. Kevin said that he was really in love with Gina Jabowski]] but there wasn't much he could do because she was in love with Dusty Marlow. The polyp took this as a sign that he should kidnap and murder Dusty to eliminate Kevin's competition. The polyp tied up Dusty to his fridge and laid it down in his apartment, where he planned to kill him. When Kevin and Karen found out about this, they busted into the room to stop him but the polyp lied, saying that he and Dusty were just rehearsing for a Dexter play and the polyp was the titular character. Just then, Randall's real head ripped through his pants and called out for help, revealing the truth. Kevin and Karen then found out the polyp was a fake and Randall fought with his polyp until he got the polyp to drop his knife. Kevin picked up the knife and prepared to kill the polyp. Randall said that he should just kill him because of how bad of a father he's been and allow the polyp to take over. Kevin refused because he would never kill his own dad, no matter how he treated him and went in to kill the polyp but the polyp beat him up and took the knife back so that he could sever Randall's head off and take over his body entirely. Just then, William flew in and ate the polyp clean off of Randall's rear, killing it and saving the day for everybody.

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          Paradise P.D. Villains Logo.png Villains

Paradise P.D.
Randall Crawford | Bullet | Gina Jabowski | Dusty Marlow | Gerald Fitzgerald | Stanley Hopson

Legion of Dooooom
Gerald Fitzgerald | Thester Carbomb IV | Frank Flipperfist | Jerry Flipperfist | Pedro Pooptooth | Edna Dorsaldigits | Puffy the Cigarette | Pat Robertson | Harvey Weinstein | Russian Mobster | Marcos Narcos | Agent Clappers | Brett DeMarco | Jesus Christ | Flipper People | Dolphin Queen | The Kingpin

International Society of Insulted Selebrities
Ron Perlman | Pat Robertson | Tucker Carlson | Steve Harvey | Tom Selleck | Carrot Top | Jenny McCarthy | Bill Clinton | Joe Biden | Mitch McConnell | Russell Crowe

Repeat Offenders
Karen Crawford | Robby | Delbert | Dean Hancock | Frank Flipperfist | Mr. Meowgi | Mrs. Two-Toes | Dr. Johann | Karla 9000 | Satan | Lady Gertrude | Tucker Carlson | Thester Carbomb IV | Dobby | Cop Bot | Agent Clappers | William | Paradise Nuking Survivors | (Clovis | Mr. Pussbubble | Arm Head) | Agatha Culpepper

One-Time Offenders
Terry Two-Toes | Edna Dorsaldigits | Russian Mobster | Pedro Pooptooth | Marcos Narcos | Marvin | Tuco | Leroy | General Bumfuqué | Jabowski Family | (Mr. Jabowski | Mrs. Jabowski | Cooter Jabowski | Bo Jabowski | Baby Jabowski | Granny Jabowski) | Joe Biden | Yucko the Clown | Dark Zuckerberg | Radioactive Panda | Leader of the Flipper People | Puffy the Cigarette | Jerry Flipperfist | Santa Claus | Glenda | Harvey Weinstein | Brett DeMarco | Gal-Qaeda | Kev-Man | Cory Romando | Walt Disney | Catholic Priest | Poachmaster General | Tom Selleck | The Kingpin | Polyp Man | Ninja Army | Samurai Leader | Earl | Stuffed Animal Midgets | O.J. Simpson | Chip Fuckyeah | Smart Guns | (Mr. Bang Bang | Gun of Jehovah) | Weight Watchers | Steve Harvey | Jenny McCarthy | Bill Clinton | Clit-3PO | Monsters of the Forbidden Forest | Yog-Sothoth | Ginger Pedophile | Fetus | Coyotes | Buffet Bandit | Carrot Top | International Society of Insulted Selebrities

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