| “ | The biggest number is zero, there is aliens, rock covers paper. | „ |
| ~ Professor Hirsute listing off his scientific "truths". |
Harry Hairsuit, AKA Professor Hirsute, is a minor antagonist in the MTV/HBO Max animated series Clone High, appearing in "Blinded With Pseudoscience: Magnetic Distractions". He was a delusional science teacher who worked at Clone High High School and spread his elaborate conspiracy theories about the world to his students, leading them into his pseudo-science cult, which has led to the deaths of hundreds of kids and teenagers across the country.
He is voiced by Paul F. Tompkins.
Biography[]
In "Blinded With Pseudoscience: Magnetic Distractions", Professor Hirsute was hired by Candide Sampson, while she worked as the sole member of The Secret Board of Shadowy Figures, to work as a science teacher for Clone High High School. Principal Scudworth didn't trust him but Candide assumed Scudworth just hated him for being so cool and popular. Nevertheless, Candide gave Hirsute carte blanche at the school and forbade Scudworth to stand in his way of his unorthodox teaching methods.
Professor Hirsute was quick to win the acceptance of all his students by being a chill and laid back teacher, who rewarded them with points just for doing whatever it is they wanted to do. The only rule Professor Hirsute had was that NOBODY was allowed to touch his satchel that he's always carrying around. Principal Scudworth suspected that he was hiding something incriminating in there and worked with Mr. Butlertron to try and figure out what it is that he was up to by stealing his satchel. The only question he had was how he could do so without breaking Candide's rules.
Professor Hirsute taught his class about pseudo-science and created an entire point system for everyone to motivate them to go along with his shenanigans. Professor Hirsute took the class outside and awarded points to anyone who would help him burn a bunch of science textbooks, which he believed were full of lies. The fire started to spread to the surrounding trees and Confucius went to get some water to put it out. Professor Hirsute corrected Confucius and told him that water doesn't actually put out fire, like the science textbooks want you to believe. The REAL way to fight fire is with fire. Professor Hirsute then blasted the books with a flamethrower, making the fire even worse. Harriet Tubman witnessed all of this and was understandably put off by this guy. Unfortunately, nobody else believed her except for Toussaint Louverture, who also saw him as a serious threat to their school.
Harriet and Toussaint went to Principal Scudworth to report Professor Hirsute. Scudworth understood their concerns and took them to his secret hiding place, where he tasked them with stealing his satchel so that they could take him down. Sadly, he was unable to help them, himself because he's being put under a microscope by Candide and her genderless lizard clan.
Abe, Confucius, and JFK became Professor Hirsute's three biggest superstar students and competed for points. Professor Hirsute would fill their minds with pseudo-science, discrediting things like water displacement and the laws of thermodynamics. The biggest revelation that he wanted to show people is that gravity does not exist, which he proved by releasing a bird into the room that flew and thereby, defied gravity. He chose Confucius as his number one star student due to the way he kept on eating magnets to prove that magnet consumption isn't dangerous after all. It just makes him magnetic. He requested Confucius to help him make a big reveal to everybody that would disprove gravity to the world. He wanted Confucius to jump off of the school and not land on the ground, expecting Confucius to just start flying.
The night before their big event, Harriet and Toussaint snuck into Professor Hirsute's classroom and stole his satchel and switched it out with another one, while he was sleeping.
On the day of Confucius' big performance, Harriet and Toussaint busted in to tell everyone the truth about Professor Hirsute, using the evidence about him they found in his satchel. They revealed that he was a fraud who was using a false identity. His real name was "Harry Hairsuit" and he came from Phoenix, Arizona. He had changed his name several times over the years and fled to different states because he kept getting in trouble for killing his students with his attempts at making scientific breakthroughs. Hirsute was responsible for a bunch of kids drowning, trying to prove that humans can breathe underwater, kids eating crystals, thinking it could cure measles, and vaccinating people to death with raccoon juice. Professor Hirsute tried to distract Confucius by publicly announcing that his girlfriend, Harriet, had been having an affair with Toussaint.
While Confucius was trying to process just what was going on right now, he fell off the school due to the magnets he ate attracting a metal satellite dish from the roof to knock him over. Harriet saved his life by diving in with a matching magnet to repel Confucius from the ground and save his life all with the magic of science. With that, Professor Hirsute's plan had failed and now all his former followers hated him. Professor Hirsute snatched his satchel back and walked off to go start anew in another state but before he could, The S.W.A.T. Team came out and opened fire on him and his satchel, which they shot to death. With that, Professor Hirsute was finally arrested and taken to prison.
Appearance[]
Professor Hirsute is a tall and muscular white man with dark blond hair. He is known for being very hairy and having a bunch of curly unshaben body hair all over his body, which is enough to almost make it look like he's wearing a suit made out of hair.
Personality[]
Professor Hirsute is a delusional pseudo-scientist, who thinks that everything that they teach people in science textbooks is a lie. He has this very bizarre and warped view on the world, thinking a whole bunch of nonsense that he wants everybody to be made aware of. He is also a very charming and charismatic guy, who acts like a chill and laid-back teacher, who never gets mad at his students and gives them good grades for nothing, which makes him very appealing to his students and more easily gets them to side with him, when he starts teaching them with bizarre conspiracy theories about science, allowing him to start somewhat of a cult. These cults always lead to his students dying as they participate in fatal activities that try to prove something stupid like "humans can breathe underwater", "crystals can cure measles", or in this episode's starring case, "gravity doesn't exist".
Trivia[]
- The name "Hirsute" is derived from a disease called "Hirsutism", which gives women bodily and facial hair.
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 Villains
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