Professor Squires

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“	Nina: You're supposed to be dead! Squires: On the contrary, I'm very much alive. It's you who are dead.	„
	~ Squires and Nina, upon Nina being poisoned by Squires.

Professor Nigel Hector Squires is one of the main characters of the Inside No. 9 episode "The Riddle of the Sphinx".

He was portrayed by Steve Pemberton, who also played Eddie, Migg, Adrian and Mr. Edwards in the same show, Tubbs Tattsyrup, Pauline Campbell-Jones, Harvey Denton, Herr Lipp, Pop and Lemuel in The League of Gentlemen, David Sowerbutts, Hattie and Dr. Friedrich Ehrlichmann in Psychoville and one of the Vogons in The Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy film adaptation.

Biography[]

The episode opens with Squires, a classicist at Cambridge University, catching a teenage girl breaking into his halls in the middle of the night. The girl introduces herself as Nina Noona, an obviously false name, and explains that she has come to Squires because she knows he is "The Sphinx": the author of the Varsity cryptic crossword puzzles which her boyfriend Simon is a fan of, but which she is never able to help him with. Squires agrees to show Nina how to do tomorrow's cryptic crossword puzzle, helping her to work out the clues "DOWNANDOUT", "WRAP", "DESI", "TRENT" and "SWAMPLANDS", and they discuss the cutthroat world of competitive crossword puzzles.

However, as the lesson progresses it becomes increasingly clear that Nina is not who she says she is. Apart from the obviously fake name, Squires catches her in a lie which reveals that, despite what she had claimed, she does not actually have a boyfriend at Cambridge. Nina claims that she just wants to learn, but soon afterwards points out that one of Squires' clues is wrong and accuses him of cheating. Squires suddenly begins spluttering and collapses into his chair, and watches, apparently paralyzed, as Nina proceeds to work out the clues "ASPHYXIATION", "SOWERBERRY" and "KNOWITALL". She turns to Squires and explains that she is a marine biology student and has slipped pufferfish venom into his drink which will induce paralysis and asphyxiation. She further explains that Simon wasn't her boyfriend, but her brother, who hanged himself out of depression after Squires used a minor technicality to get him disqualified from a crossword competition.

To Nina's shock, Squires jumps up from his chair after she finishes her explanation, smugly telling her that she's about to die. As Nina begins hyperventilating, Squires works out the clues "NEUN" and "ASPS" which, combined with some of the previous clues, reveals a secret message: "I SWAPPED CUPS". He explains that Nina's mentor, Dr. Jacob Tyler, is a personal friend of Squires and had tipped him off about her plan, and is now on his way with the antidote. Paralysis begins to set in for Nina, and Squires moves her into a chair before completing the crossword clue "UNDERSLIP", which he uses as a pretext to make sexual remarks about Nina before groping her paralyzed body. He considers raping her, but decides against it and leaves.

Tyler arrives a few minutes later. Squires, who does not actually intend to kill Nina, asks him for the antidote; to his shock, Tyler replies that there is no antidote and Nina will die if they do not call an ambulance now. Squires tries to call the emergency services, but Tyler refuses and gives Squires an ultimatum: he wants Squires to eat Nina, as the original sphinx would have. He explains that the crossword clues Squires had written up, predicting the events that are now unfolding, show premeditation and would implicate him in Nina's death, so he can't call the police. Squires has no option but to go along as Tyler cuts strips of flesh from Nina's buttocks and fries them.

As Tyler fries the meat, he forces Squires to explain their history together to the still barely alive Nina. Squires had stolen Tyler's wife Monica, driving him to quit his job and move to the Cotswolds with their children; Simon is his son, and "Nina" is really his daughter Charlotte. Squires assumes this is why Tyler is after him and asks why he would kill his own daughter just for revenge, but Tyler corrects him. After Simon's suicide a DNA test had revealed that he and Charlotte were actually Squires' children, meaning the affair had been carrying on longer than he thought. He then finishes cooking and forces Squires to eat the strips of Nina/Charlotte's flesh as she finally dies. Just before leaving, Tyler fills in the remaining squares of Squires' crossword to read "RIP N.H.S." (a reference to Squires' full name, Nigel Hector Squires) and gives Squires a single bullet. As Tyler leaves, a distraught Squires loads the bullet into his stage gun and commits suicide.

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