| “ | What are these the top five tropes of? They sleep in the day, they won't cross running water, they have to be invited in, they can't bear the smell of garlic, and yes, we cast no reflection. I know you didn't kill your partner. That was me. | „ |
| ~ Varney revealing himself before killing Thompson. |
| “ | One of the more persistent clichés of the police procedural is that the new partner always winds up dead. And here I am, the living embodiment of that trope. Well, I'm not living anymore. But my story...well, it's as old as time itself. | „ |
| ~ Varney talking to the audience after being revealed as a vampire. |
Special Constable Varney is the main antagonist of the Inside No. 9 episode "The Stakeout".
He was portrayed by Reece Shearsmith, who also played Ray, Tom, Hector, Dr. Maxwell, Mr. Warren, George, Dr. Jacob Tyler, Viktor and Neville Griffin in the same show, Mr. Jelly, Maureen Sowerbutts, Jeremy Goode and the Silent Singer in Psychoville, Edward Tattsyrup, Ross Gaines, Papa Lazarou, Geoff Tipps, Bernice Woodall, Judee Levinson, Oliver Plimsoles, Cathy Carter-Smith and Father Halfhearte in The League of Gentlemen, Gagan Rassmussen in Doctor Who, Malcolm Webster in The Widower and one of the Vogons in the 2005 film adaptation of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
Biography[]
The opening shot shows Varney lying in the back of police car No. 9 with his mouth and throat soaked in blood, apparently dead. Varney narrates that the new partner always winds up dead in police procedurals and that his story is "as old as time itself".
The episode then returns to night one of the three-night stakeout that led to this, with Varney and his partner Constable Thompson sitting in car No. 9 in a graveyard looking out for vandals. Varney irritates Thompson by insisting on putting sweeteners in his coffee instead of the sugar he requested to help his blood pressure. Varney makes several attempts to get Thompson to talk about the unsolved murder of his previous partner Detective Constable Dobson, who had his throat slit on a stakeout while Thompson was getting takeaway curry.
On the second night of the stakeout, Thompson and Varney discuss the top five police procedural tropes before Thompson leaves the car to urinate, at which point Varney gets a communication over the radio revealing that they're supposed to be spying on a suspected drug trafficker down at the docks. Thompson denies this when he gets back, only for another transmission to reveal the suspect is on the move and ordering them to pursue him, forcing him to drive to the docks at top speed. When Varney questions him, Thompson admits that he was spying on the graveyard because Dobson's grave was vandalised recently, probably by the killer, and he wanted to be there in case they came back. Varney complicates matters by refusing to let Thompson drive over a bridge, claiming that the other way is quicker, but they still manage to reach the drug drop on time. However, Thompson foolishly goes over to spy on the suspects and is caught, getting pinned down by gunfire. With backup too far away to be of any use, Varney rushes towards the scene with incredible stamina. The following scene reveals that he manages to subdue all of the suspects single-handedly.
On the third night, Thompson and Varney are back at the graveyard looking out for vandals. Varney begins asking questions about the murder, suggesting that the person who vandalized the grave might have been trying to get something out. He then reveals that the murder weapon, an ornate dagger from the Victorian era which has disappeared from forensics, is in the car and asks Thompson why he stole it. Thompson admits that he is conducting his own investigation into the murder. Something unseen bangs on the car and Varney goes to look for it, only for the pale corpse of Dobson to suddenly appear on the windscreen, terrifying Thompson. When Varney returns, Thompson tells him he saw Dobson, and Varney replies "He's probably just hungry" before listing off several vampire tropes, ending with "we have no reflection". Thompson looks in the rear-view mirror and sees that Varney indeed has no reflection before Varney jumps on him, cuts his throat with the Victorian dagger and starts drinking his blood. After drinking his fill, he opens the door and invites in the vampiric form of Dobson, who leans in to attack. As he starts biting Thompson, Varney lies back in his seat and the episode returns to the opening shot while Varney repeats his monologue from the beginning and stares fixedly into the camera, ending the episode.
Trivia[]
- His name, Varney, is a reference to the gothic horror story Varney the Vampyre, and can be seen as foreshadowing his true nature.
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 Villains
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League of Gentlemen Psychoville Inside No. 9 | ||