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| “ | It's just like Toy Story, except if all the toys wanted to fuck Andy in the ass. | „ |
| ~ Stuffed Animal Midget |
The Stuffed Animal Midgets are a group of minor antagonists from Paradise P.D., only appearing in the episode "Ice Ice Babies". They are a group of short men who all collectively had the idea to disguise themselves as stuffed animals and sit in Crystal's bedroom, waiting for her to pick them up and sleep with them in the nude.
Biography[]
In "Ice Ice Babies", Bullet went to Robby's Family Fun Time Carnival and met Crystal. Bullet conveniently overheard Crystal say that she sleeps in the nude and is looking to win a stuffed animal to rub against her naked body. Bullet paid off carnival attendee, Roseanne Barr, to let him pose as a stuffed animal on the toy shelf and let Crystal win him in the game. This all went according to plan, and Crystal won Bullet and took him home with her.
At Crystal's house, Bullet was set down in a pile of other stuffed animals, while Crystal went to take a shower. Bullet decided to climb up on the bed but was suddenly stopped by one of the stuffed animals, which turned out to be alive because it was actually a dwarf in disguise. The midget told Bullet that he was also doing the same share he was, in fact, so was every other stuffed animal there. All of the other stuffed animals in Crystal's room took off their disguises and revealed that they were perverted creeps too and they all just so happened to coincidentally have the same idea to pretend to be stuffed animals so they could have sex with her.
The leader of the stuffed animal midgets explained to Bullet that there are firmly established rules to the little game they've got going on, as one needs to wait theor turn. Bullet told them that things are a little different in his case because he had to pay Roseanne Barr a bunch of money to get to where he is now, but the other stuffed animals all had their own depressing backstories too. An old man in a giant teddy bear costume said that he'd been there for eight years and still hasn't gotten on the bed. The leader of the midgets said that he spotted Crystal at a rest stop while he was eating with his wife and kids and abandoned his whole family right then and there just to be with her. Mitch McConnell was also among them disguised as a turtlem and said that he gave up his seat in the Republican senate for her but was talked down by the other members because he didn't even need to go in disguise, due to him already looking like a turtle.
Bullet punched the leader of the stuffed animals in the face, causing an all-out brawl to break out between all of them. During the fight, Bullet sneaked off and went up on the bed. Just then, Crystal came in and all the stuffed animals, played dead, with Bullet laying on the bed. Crystal took of her towel and got ready to go to sleep in the nude with Bullet but just then, her ex-boyfriend Jammer came in and apologized for having sex from a male prostitute at her mom's funeral and promised never to do that again. Crystal forgave him and the two made passionate love on the bed, with Jammer's body being right in Bullet's face the whole him. Bullet was deeply disturbed and sexually unsatisfied by this, but had to hold still or else he'd blow his cover. However, when Jammer finished and then used Bullet to clean up the resulting mess, this was the last straw for him and Bullet broke character and opted out altogether. Crystal screamed in terror and kicked Bullet over to the pile of stuffed animals, where he knocked the costumes off of some of them, blowing their covers too. The stuffed animal members got mad at Bullet for ruining the game for all of them and they all walked off, grouchy and upset. As Bullet and the stuffed animals left, several other furniture items in Crystal's room such as her bed, dresser, lamp, and ceiling fan turned out to also be creepy old men in disguise and before long, as pretty much everything in her room got up and walked away.
