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| “ | Hi! You didn't see me there. You Know why? Because I'm Ted Bear. If you want to survive like me, you've gotta have sharp wit, endurance, good looks and a backpack full of ingenuity. I've got mine on, both straps. Try to keep up. | „ |
| ~ The first words on the Ted Bear's show. |
Ted Bear is an antagonist in Cyanide & Happiness. He is a survivalist that would help with going to the jungle, but his villainy came when harassment people with his animal tactics. He teamed up with Gunman and Señor Cleanfist when they try to escape prison in Part 2.
He was voiced by Arin "Egoraptor" Hanson.
Appearance[]
Ted Bear is a Caucasian man who wears a white t-shirt and militaristic outwear, with a some sort of chain on his neck.
Personality[]
Ted Bear is basic a parody of nature survivalist. He is smart and knowledgeable about what to do when in the outdoors. For said outdoor skills, he can copy any skills an animal can do in order to as such.
Relationships[]
Gunman and Señor Cleanfist[]
Ted Bear is great friends with Gunman and Señor Cleanfist, as they help each-other out with escaping in the prison, even hanging out despite it being years that they escape the prison. He is part of the reason of why they escape when Harry backstabbed them.
Biography[]
Bear Run[]
Ted Bear's poster.
Ted Bear's first appearance would be as a cameo on a poster.
Ted Bear: Part 1[]
In Part 1, Ted Bear would be seen hiding in the bush and then popping out of nowhere. He then explains on you didn't see him and then explains how to survive on the island, with wit and endurance. He then explains the scenario which is you are on an international flight and then the plane goes into a phase of turbulence because a bird got confused with a friend and got smacked right into it, making the plane crash.
He explains that you are the only survivor in the jungle, which is cold, muddy, wet, and hot. The first that you would do is to get a sense of direction and to follow the nearest river, which would let him to a bacon tree and would climb up to find the crispy ones, it would help for a breakfast. He would get milk via a tree and check if it was expired. He would some of the milk and have a chocolate chip muffin with it too but spits it out because it was filled with raisins.
He then finds an island, looking for some water, and only finds salt water. He then drinks a crustacean via straw because the salt water makes it into a fruit punch. He goes into a food sea, where many types of food are around him. He is shown as more morbidly obese as the video goes. He climbs a food island by eating sausage after he climbs the whole mountain. He finds it hard to breathe normally and dies when he sleeps in a trap.
Ted Bear: Part 2[]
Ted coming out of his corpse.
Ted comes out of his corpse. In the sequel, He would be seen at a funeral, as the priest would explain the great things that he has done. But as the priest explain, He would come out of the corpse, everyone was horrified and some even passed out. He jumps out of the corpse, showing how is he alive. He then jumps out of the church's window and finds a house and buys it. He goes into a desert and finds a rattlesnake, copying and shacking its ass when threatened. He tries with it a bible missionary, but he is bare naked when does it. He also uses the skill of the turtle as when the turtle is scared He hides in his shell. So He hides when cops try to talk with him about the time when He showed his ass as a missionary.
He looks at the slugs having sex and explains that after the male slug is done with the sexual act, he will eat his penis. He is shocked that he will try to replicate it. He refuses to chop it off but the director wants him to do it anyway. He shows that the woman isn't even too, but the director will burn the contract if He doesn't do it. He gulps and fakes chopping his penis off by kicking the cameraman in the face.
He shoots a piece of ink to a director and flies away. The vans try to outrun but He uses the rattlesnake and the pufferfish tactics. He runs to a fence but gets outrun by 2 Cameramen and a van. He "digs" up a way but fails as the director fires him, basically making him homeless.
Homeless/Prison Era[]
One month later, He is seen in garbage trash. He is waiting around 1 am in a bowling alley for the nachos that they didn't sell. A fan finds Ted hugs him out of nowhere and steals his wallet. He fails in this as the Cops saw him and arrest him, making him an inmate.
In the post-credit scenes, he is seen getting stronger and improving his rep around the prison.
The Prison Break Arc[]
In Part 2, When Harry said something about survival, Ted came out of nowhere stronger than ever. It leaves a cliffhanger.
In Part 3, Ted would shit out a feces-like rope so that Cleanfist and Gunman can walk on, It would turn into his normal form. The Two would be grossed out as they climb on the rope. As they are climbing up on the rope, Harry would betray them and would catch trying to escape because the Warden hired him out of nowhere. Policemen would hold him, hostage, and The Warden would count Slowey to their doom.
However, Martin would use his fart jar to help them out, with many policemen being killed because of this. Big Hug Bill would protect them too as Gunmen shoot Martin's Big fart jar. Despite it killing the Warden, they still had to face Harry the Handsome Butcher as he gets promoted to Warden himself. Ted would realize that dirt is dirty and Senor Cleanfist used this as a way to get out of prison. They escaped successfully, Harry watched them escape and says goodbye to them, finally freed from prison.
Aftermath[]
Despite it being years since when they escaped, Ted still hangs out with Senor and Gunman, although they leave when Martin comes around.
Señor Leanfist[]
Although GunMan, Ted, and Leanfist have escaped, they are still wanted by the authorities, as wanted posters for them are seen hanging on walls.
Appearances[]
- C&H Shorts
- Beer Run (cameo, poster)
- Ted Bear
- Sad, Sad Larry (cameo)
- Ted Bear 2
- Ted Bear 3
- Free To Go (cameo, poster)
- Serial Killer 2 (cameo, poster)
- The Prison Break Part 2: The Clean Getaway
- The Prison Break Part 3: The Great Ted-Scape
Gallery[]
Images[]
Videos[]
[]
 Villains
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| Supervillains Killgore | Gunman | Jimmy Williams | Piggy Fartsoup | Satan | Señor Cleanfist | Silly | Stevie McShortstuff | Winston The Worm Humans & Animals Hostile Species The Stockholms series | ||