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“ | You're a loser with a very small amount of friends ... ZERO. And the amount of people you'll have at your funeral is also zero because you have no friends! Maybe your dad will show up just to take a dump on your face and then he'll say "Look, my dump is my son's only friend." Oh, wait. Even the dump hates you. | „ |
~ Topher Bus' evil FlipFlop comment to JFK, |
Christopher Columbus (AKA "Topher Bus") is a major antagonist from the MTV animated series, Clone High. He is a teenage clone of Christopher Columbus, who attends Clone High High School. Ashamed of his his clonefather was a slave-trading colonist, Topher disassociates from him by going by a different name and regularly propagating wokeness and political correctness. Despite his performative activism, Topher is suggested to actually be a closeted bigot with excessively racist and misogynistic viewpoints on politics and society. In the Season 2 finale, Topher decided to give up pretending to be nice and instead show his true colors henceforth.
Topher is villainous for blackmailing (or "white leveraging" as he calls it), his only friend, Abe to prevent him from asking out Joan, who he was also in love with and didn't want any competition with, when he tried courting her. He also has a history of cyber-bullying and attempting to kill Abe as well. He is also villainous for holding his various bigoted beliefs, that line up with those of his clonefather. In Season 3, he started to express his bigotry more openly, as he was now banished to the Bleacher Creatures and had nothing else to lose.
He is voiced by Neil Casey.
Biography[]
In 2007, Principal Scudworth created an second generation of clones of historical figures, (following his first generation of clones from 1987). One of these clones was a clone of Christopher Columbus. Christopher Columbus was adopted by a stereotypical 1950's trad-wife named Caitlyn, who raised him in a suburban household. As a teenager, he attended Clone High High School, along with the rest of the clones. Growing up, Topher was a very anti-social boy who was sent to therapy a few times to try and make him more friendly with other people. Topher's odd behavior was enough to get him sent to a mental asylum at one point, although very little of this has been expounded upon, making it unclear what it even was he did to deserve this punishment.
Somewhere between 2003 and 2023, the original Christopher Columbus was cancelled due to his actions from the 1400's not being considered politically correct in the 2000's. Because of this, his clone felt obligated to disassociate from his clonefather and avoid taking responsibility for something another man did 6 centuries before he was born. He started going by the name of "Topher Bus" and dedicated a large sum of his life to propagating wokeness and supporting whatever left-leaning political movements were trending at the time. Despite his efforts to be a good person, most people completely ignored Topher and shut him out of their lives, completely, not wanting to associate with him for whatever reasons.
Topher made his first appearance in "Let's Try This Again", which took place in 2023, the first generation of clones were defrosted and integrated into the student body of Clone High High School. First generation clone, Abe Lincoln befriended Topher during the Unity Week's "Walk a Mile in Someone Else's Shoes" event, where Topher helped Abe to fit in with modern day society. Topher warned Abe about the dangers of using problematic outdated language (i.e. using "gay" as an insult or using "ret*rded" as a synonym for "stupid") and how saying the wrong thing at this day in age could get him canceled. Abe failed to take Topher's advice and ended up getting canceled for using a myriad of offensive terms and phrases like "Indian style", "all lives matter", and "sorry not sorry". Topher was nowhere to be found when Abe was cancelled and didn't lend his friend any support, whatsoever. Topher also screwed Abe over by tweeting out about how Abe was "mansplaining", even though there was never an instance where Abe was ever doing this.
In "Sleepover", Topher got offended over a comment JFK made on FlipFlop, where he appropriated Italian culture. Topher got into a long-winded flame war with JFK on the internet, calling him a bunch of mean and offensive names, such as a loser with zero friends. Topher also told JFK that his own fathers hated him and the world would be a better place if he was dead so that his dads could defecate on his corpse, which would even be an insult to the fecal matter. JFK was able to win the flame war against Topher by correcting his grammar, as he used the wrong spelling of "your" and "you're", which made Topher tragically lose the flame war and end up a bloody and mutilated mess.
In "Sexy-Ed", Topher heard that Abe was in love with Joan and was planning to ask her out. Topher, being in love with Joan too, wanted to get Abe out of his way so he wouldn't have any competition. Topher convinced Abe that since Joan had had sex with JFK in the past, she wasn't going to date a virgin, so he should first have sex with the teacher, Mrs. Grumbles (a pedophile teacher that was in love with Abe) so that he could have some experience before going out with Joan. Abe stupidly believed this advice and went to have sex with Mrs. Grumbles. Although Mrs. Grumbles had a heart attack and died before she and Abe could have sex, Topher still got a photo of them both together and later used it against Abe to blackmail him into staying away from Joan. However, Topher refused to use the term "blackmail", as he deemed it politically incorrect. Instead, he preferred to use the term, "whiteleverage". With that, Abe was forced to keep his feelings for Joan to himself and stay out of Topher's way.
In "Clone Alone", Topher still continued to white leverage Abe into staying away from Joan, despite still not making a move on her, himself. During the Death Maze, Topher ordered Abe around and basically made him work as his slave. JFK found out about how Topher was white leveraging Abe and saved his friend from the clutches of Topher's wrath, by crushing Topher's phone in between his buttcheeks and destroying the evidence of Abe getting freaking with Mrs. Grumbles. In the end, Topher failed at the Death Maze and was sent down into the dungeon, where he decided he was officially done being nice. He announced to everybody that from here on, he'd be expressing his true opinions. He began to make a misogynistic comment about women but was cut off by everyone else in the school telling him to shut up.
In the Season 3 premiere, "Blinded With Pseudoscience", Topher Bus was now a member of The Bleacher Creatures, a sub-society of social outcasts at Clone High, who lived under the bleachers in the gymnasium. Topher led this group through various exploits in causing chaos in the school and torturing the normal kids. Topher would do things like vandalizing school property, sabotaging cheerleader performances, and releasing snakes into the halls to attack people. Topher invited the school's most recent social outcast, Joan, to come and join him and the Bleacher Creatures in their future villainous endeavors.
In "Don't You Get It? Sports Are Huge in This Town", Topher and The Bleacher Creatures planned to sabotage the Clone High Cheerleading Squad during their appearance at the big snorkeling game, by tampering with their collection of signs that was supposed to say "CLONE HIGH". Topher suggested replacing the sign with a "CL" with a "B" so it would say "BONE HIGH" and make an obscene sexual reference. He tasked Joan with taking care of it but Joan got cold feet and got rid of the first sign altogether, making the sign say "ONE HIGH". This satisfied both sides as the audience thought that this was a clever way of suggesting that everyone at Clone High must work together as one, while Topher and the bleacher creatures called this a success, as they interpreted this as a drug reference, like they were all "one high bunch of students".
In "The Principal Principle: Sub Zero to Sub Hero", Topher and The Bleacher Creatures saw that Joan was hosting a huge high school party and were hoping to use this as an in to getting popular. However, Joan betrayed them by locking them all in the broom closet, so they got their revenge when they invaded Joan's party by dumping a bucket of live snakes onto the dance floor to attack all the students and raise hell among everyone there. At the end of the episode, Topher kicked Joan out of The Bleacher Creatures.
In "The Cloniest Place on Earth: Missile While You Work", Topher worked in Villain Village at Cloney Island and hosted his carnival ride, The Columbus Colonizer. People were all huge fans of Topher and they all praised him for being an awesome villain. Along with all of the other Bleacher Creatures in Villain Village, Topher was glad that he finally got to by himself and was finally being treated with the respect he deserved.
Quotes[]
“ | Topher: Do you know what my real name is? Christopher Columbus. Abe: Cool. Topher: Not cool. While you were frozen, he got canceled for being a dirtbag. I'm trying to distance myself from my clonefather. That's why I go by "Topher Bus". |
„ |
~ Topher introducing himself to Abe |
“ | My therapist requires that I have 3 social interactions every month or I have to spend spring break at the asylum again. | „ |
~ Topher Bus |
“ | I find that being anonymous brings out the best in me. | „ |
~ Topher Bus |
“ | White silence is violence. | „ |
~ Topher Bus |
“ | I'll perform CPR. As a woke, straight, male ally, let me put my lips on this unconscious black woman to show how woke and straight I am. | „ |
~ Topher attempting to save Harriet's life |
“ | Another woman free from the patriarchal shackles of misogynistic courting rituals | „ |
~ Topher on the breakup of Joan and JFK |
“ | As the son of a mother, I know about women. | „ |
~ Topher giving Abe dating advice |
“ | Aha! You can't say "blackmailing". I'm ... I'm ... white leveraging! | „ |
~ Topher Bus |
“ | Topher: Since we're all confessing stuff, I'm done being nice. This is how I really feel. Women shouldn't wear- Everyone: SHUT UP, TOPHER! |
„ |
~ Topher confessing his true self before being shut up by everyone else |
Trivia[]
- Topher Bus is named after one of the producers on the first season of the show, Topher Taylor.
Gallery[]
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