She's one nasty lady!
| “ | However awful your auntie might be, she will never be in the same league of awfulness as Aunt Alberta. Aunt Alberta is the most awful aunt who ever lived. Would you like to meet her? Yes? I thought you would. | „ |
| ~ Talk about a villain who lives up to the name... |
So my first proposal was a small success. How could I outdo that one? By following it up with a candidate who may be even worse.
A while ago, The Tooth Witch was proposed, and when I made my vote on that, I remember thinking just how evil villains from David Walliams' books could be. So I started rifling through my old Walliams books, and I dug out a particularly nasty lady.
Think your aunts may be bad? Wait till you meet Aunt Alberta.
What’s The Work?
Awful Auntie is a children's book published in 2014 by then-rising children's book author, David Walliams. The book, itself a mystery-comedy, is about Stella Saxby. Stella is set to be the inheritor of her father Chester's will, which includes all of the Saxby family fortune and Saxby Hall.
The only thing standing in her way is her last living relative, the titular Awful Auntie herself, Alberta, who will stop at nothing to take the inheritance herself.
Who is she? What’s she done?
I wrote the article, so I'll copy what I wrote over here.
Alberta Saxby (b. 1868) was the oldest of three children sired by Lord Saxby, along with her younger brothers, Herbert and Chester. Herbert, as the eldest of the two sons, was poised to become Lord after his father passed away. As such, this meant everything the family had, from the riches to Saxby Hall, were to be passed onto him. However, in 1880, a few nights after Herbert was born, the baby boy disappeared, his crib empty when his mother went in the morning to check on him. People from everywhere around the town and neighbouring villages searched far and wide for him, but the baby was nowhere to be seen.
Alberta, 12 at the time, was convinced the boy had been taken by wolves, but searches later conducted found there were no wolves in the lands near the residence. Years passed, but the Lord and Lady Saxby were too distraught from the loss of baby Herbert and in the end, they were said to have died of heartbreak.
With Herbert gone, Chester was next in line to inherit the family’s fortune. Growing up, Alberta was a terrible elder sister towards her younger brother. She would often: give him highly poisonous tarantulas as Christmas gifts, trick him into eating rock disguised as cakes, peg him to the washing line, chop down a tree whilst he was climbing it, abandon him during hide-and-seek, shove him in a lake while he fed ducks, replaces his birthday candles with sticks of TNT, swing him around by his ankles and send him flying, cut the brakes on his bike, force-feed him worms disguised as spaghetti, chuck snow-covered cricket balls at him during snowball fights, lock him in a wardrobe and push it down the stairs, stuff earwigs in his ears whilst he was sleeping, and bury him neck-deep at the beach when the tide came in. Despite this, Chester was always kind towards Alberta, and when inherited the fortune, he did his best to keep Saxby Hall clean.
However, Chester made the fatal mistake of giving Alberta the family’s riches. The entire fortune of silvers and diamonds was worth a lot, but Alberta lost it all rather quickly. Alberta’s favorite game was “Tiddlywinks”, a game played by using a large dot-shaped token called a squidger to propel all your smaller ones, referred to as “winks”, into a pot. Chester used to play the game with Alberta, and would always let her win so she wouldn’t throw a fit. Alberta had never been a good sport and would always find a way to cheat. Such ways included: eating her opponent’s squidger, biting her opponent’s hand, hiding her opponent’s winks in her undies, firing her winks into the pot with an air rifle, burning her opponent’s winks, shaking the table whilst her opponent tries to play, having an owl snatch her opponent’s winks in mid-air, gluing her opponent’s winks to the table, replacing the pot with a taller pot so no winks could land inside, and farting on her opponents winks so they couldn’t be used for a while.
On Christmas one year, to put an end to Alberta’s cheating, Chester bought her Professor T. Wink’s The Tiddlywinks Rulebook, but Alberta would often refuse to even pick it up. As a child, she was obsessed with winning. At the Tiddlywinks game tables at the casinos in Monte Carlo, Alberta had gambled away the fortune Chester had given her. Next, she stole Chester’s chequebook, forged his signature, and gambled away all of his money too. To keep the family afloat, Chester was forced to sell all of his possessions, even his wedding ring, and had to let Saxby Hall’s staff go. The only one who stayed was the ancient butler, Gibbons, who was deaf and blind. Chester and his wife worked hard to keep Saxby Hall together, but it was too much work. When Chester’s daughter, Stella Saxby, was born, he decided she would be the one to inherit Saxby Hall. To ensure this, Chester wrote Alberta out of his will, and hid the deeds away where she wouldn’t find them. He noted that should Stella pass away, the house is to be sold and the proceeds be given to the poor.
After Alberta lost the family’s fortune, World War I struck. Whilst Chester fought with the British, Alberta, despite also being British, joined the Germans, simply because they had cooler uniforms. She even wore a German spiked helmet called a Pickelhauben. One thing Alberta often did as a child was steal the eggs of rare birds. After stealing an egg belonging to a Great Bavarian Mountain Owl, she sat on the egg until it hatched. She named the owl “Wagner.” After the Germans lost the war, Alberta, not wanting to be sent to a POW camp, stole a zeppelin, and she took flight across Europe. However, due to her spiked helmet, the zeppelin crashed over the English Channel, and Alberta had to swim back to Saxby Hall.
Once back home, she began training Wagner. She trained him to fetch slippers, do loops, do aerial reconnaissance, divebomb children’s kites, steal undies, drop stinkbombs onto the village’s summer fete, make deliveries within a hundred mile radius, duet with on her favorite German operas, use a special owl urinal, swoop on kitten and eat them, and make apple strudels. Alberta and Wagner grew very close, but she was just training him to do evil deeds.
In December 1933, Stella Saxby wakes up after being in a coma “for months”. Alberta enters her room and removes her sheets, revealing her body has been covered in bandages. She explains to her that she has been recovering from an automobile accident that she and her parents have been involved in. Alberta explains that Chester and his wife did not survive, and that she had gotten a discount from the funeral. She tells her she kept her alive by getting Wagner to feed her slugs, much to Stella’s disgust. Offended, Alberta calls her “spoiled”. Alberta then asks where the deeds have been hidden, but Stella tells her she doesn’t know. Alberta tells her to ring a bell if she needs assistance and Wagner will arrive to feed her. Stella is resistant, even when Alberta threatens to burn the wedding photo of Chester and his wife. Then, Alberta departs to sell Chester’s wife’s dresses and burn Chester’s letters and diaries.
Whilst Stella escapes her bandages, Stella’s school rings the estate. Alberta answers and lies that Stella is still in a coma. She even fakes crying. Then she goes back to tearing apart Chester’s study in search of the deeds. Stella tries to leave the house and get help from the nearest village, but Alberta catches her with Wagner’s help and locks Stella in the coal cellar beneath the house. Alberta tries telling her it’s for her own good, telling that, as her last living relative, it’s her duty to protect her. Stella demands the truth of what happened to her parents, but Alberta lies again. As Alberta tries to justify her lying to the school, Stella asks for something to drink, so Alberta offers some disgusting shakes. Before she leaves, she asks Stella again if she knows where the deeds are hidden. Stella tells her she doesn’t know. As Alberta leaves, Stella remembers exactly where the deeds had been hidden. The one place Alberta would never look was inside The Tiddlywinks Rulebook. Whilst in the cellar, Stella meets the ghost of a chimney sweep, Soot, who had burned to death whilst stuck in the chimneys of Saxby Hall.
Together, Stella and Soot find the family’s Rolls Royce, now a huge wreck. Stella recalls the day, where she and her parents were going to the bank in London. Alberta didn’t go with them. Stella confides in Soot that the only thing she remembers was that she felt ill and she passed out in the car. Her mother had also been feeling funny. If Chester had been feeling funny just like his wife, then he hid it well. Stella doesn’t recall anything that could have made them feel funny that day, then remembers Alberta made them all tea that morning, but Stella emptied her cup into a plant without anyone looking. Recalling how her parents said it tasted funny, she and Soot conclude that Alberta poisoned her parents. Whilst Soot distracts Wagner, Stella sneaks through the house into Chester’s study. She uses his phone to call the police, before returning to the cellar. Meanwhile, Alberta, who can’t see Soot as she’s an adult, accuses Wagner for damaging the expensive crockery (a fancy term for dishes and cutlery.)
The next day, a detective by the name of Strauss arrives at Saxby Hall. Stella invites him in. Strauss inspects the Royce’s wreckage, and concludes it was just a tragic accident, but Stella informs him her parents were poisoned. In the library, Strauss tells her that everyone at Scotland Yard concluded it was an accident, and that Alberta was first on scene at the accident. Whilst Chester and his wife were killed on impact, Strauss says Alberta tried to frame Stella. Strauss also mentions how Alberta sang at the funeral, but gets insulted when Stella calls Alberta’s singing awful. He also tells her Alberta had discharged her from the hospital after the crash, and when Stella asks why she’d lock her in the cellar, Strauss imagines it must have been for her own good to keep her from dying of cold. Stella explains her theory to the detective on why she believes Alberta might have poisoned her parents, noting how she’s read murder mysteries, and that Alberta’s motive would be so that she could be sole surviving Saxby and inherit the home. When she mentions the deeds, Strauss asks if she knows where they may be, but she tells him no. Noticing Stella’s eyes darting quickly to the bookshelf, the detective begins browsing through the books. Meanwhile, Soot finds Alberta’s collection of taxidermied birds. He also finds Wagner in Alberta’s clothes, sleeping in bed. He accidentally wakes him, and they fight.
Strauss concludes his investigation of the library. Stella tries searching amongst the broken crockery for the teapot Alberta had used, hoping Strauss could take it back and inspect it for traces of poison. Strauss refuses to, so Stella suggests that Alberta may have hidden the poison she used and suggests they go find it. Strauss dismisses her theory as just a silly imagination, but tells her he still needs to file a police report, and asks her to sign the statement he has prepared. Stella demands to read it first, but he decides to read it for her. Whilst mumbling his way through it, the words “Lurking Death Plant” escape his tongue, arousing Stella’s suspicion. Since Alberta had a greenhouse filled with poisonous plants, Stella figures there’s no way anyone except Alberta would know about it. Strauss tries to deny his knowledge of the death plant and tries to force Stella to sign the statement. Stella notices the detective’s mustache is starting to fall off, so he tries to hastily fix it. As he does so, Stella grabs his police report, only to discover it isn’t a report at all. It’s the Saxby Hall deeds. Stella suddenly realizes that “Strauss” is actually Alberta in disguise. Her cover blown, Alberta removes her disguise.
As Soot arrives, Stella tells him Strauss is Alberta. Alberta, asking who she’s talking to, goes to the fireplace and looks up the chimney. Alberta reveals she had seen Stella in the garage last night, questioning to herself how she escaped the cellar and who she was talking to. She had heard her conclusion about the tea being poisoned, and that she planned to call the police. So she cut the phone lines, then used the phone in her room and pretended to be the station operator. She then stole one of Chester’s suits, grabbed an owl feather which she dyed, and skinned a rat to use for a wig. Alberta calls herself clever, until Stella reminds she was the one who let slip about the poisonous plant. She reveals she has read Chester’s will and is offended that Chester planned to give it all to “grubby little peasants.” Stella reminds her that as long the deeds are never signed, Alberta will never get Saxby Hall.
In attempt to force her to sign over the deeds, Alberta ties Stella up to the Owl-Rack, a torture device she had used before on Wagner to win owl contests. Alberta turns the handle, with the machine pulling Stella’s arms and legs in opposite directions, causing extreme pain for the poor girl. As Stella screams, Wagner covers his eyes. Alberta leaves Stella tied to the rack with no food or water, promising to be back to torture her. Soot arrives after Alberta leaves. He frees Stella and, in retaliation, they spend the night setting up traps for Alberta, to force her out of the house. Once the traps are laid out, Stella returns to the rack. However, whilst Alberta falls for all the traps, they are not enough to force her out. Instead, Alberta returns to torture Stella. Whilst once more investigating the chimney, Soot incapacitates her by pushing a cupboard over her and trapping her inside. He frees Stella and they flee. Alberta calls for Wagner’s aid. Meanwhile, Stella and Soot steal the Rolls Royce and begin to escape.
Alberta and Wagner pursue them in Alberta’s motorbike and sidecar. The car crashes into the gates, but continues the chase, unable to break through. Alberta sends Wagner after them, who is able to block the windshield, causing the car to go out of control and skid onto the frozen lake. As the ice threatens to break, Albert calls from the other side of the lake, asking if she is ready to sign the deeds. As the ice breaks further, Stella is forced to accept defeat. Alberta, satisfied, orders Wagner to bring Stella to her. Wagner complies, saving Stella from the ice, as the Royce falls into the water.
Inside, Alberta brings Stella soup to warm her just enough that she can have strength to sign the deeds over. She helps Stella sign the deeds, making Saxby Hall officially hers. When asked what she plans to do with the hall, Alberta reveals she plans to burn it down and on its land, she will build the world’s largest owl museum. She shows Stella her full plans for “Lady Alberta’s Owleum”. She plans to add a member of every single owl species, each bird shot and stuffed. This includes Wagner, who will be at the centre in a large glass box. Wagner, hearing this, is horrified and begins squawking madly and flying around frantically. And since Stella now knows too much, Alberta plans to kill her, as well. Taking her outside, Alberta reveals she plans to kill her by crushing her to death under the giant owl ice sculpture she has created. Wagner, having a change of heart after hearing Alberta’s plans, betrays Alberta and tries to fight back against her and save Stella. Alberta punches Wagner out cold. Before Alberta can topple sculpture, Stella is saved by Gibbons, travelling down the snow on a silver tray.
Stella heads back inside the house and bolts the door. Alberta begins beating the door down with a snow shovel, whilst Stella escapes up the chimney. Albert warns her she can’t escape her, telling her she knows exactly what to do when people go up the chimney. When Stella asks what she means by this, Alberta tells the story. She tells her she was the one who made baby Herbert Saxby disappear by sending him down a river in a wooden box. She had assumed he’d drowned later, but one day, ten years later, a chimney sweep had arrived at the house to clean the chimneys. When the boy said the place looked familiar, Alberta realized who he really was and, not wanting the family to find out who he really was, she waited until he was up the chimney cleaning it, and lit a fire beneath him, causing him to burn to death, and pinned the blame on one of the servants. With this piece of news, Stella realizes that Soot was actually her uncle, Herbert, the original heir to Saxby Hall.
Alberta prepares to repeat history by lighting another fire, but Stella manages to escape the chimney in time by climbing up the chimney. Alberta follows her up to the roof using a ladder. She lunges at her,but loses her footing and ends clinging to the roof gutters. Alberta, out of options, plays the nice auntie in an attempt to goad Stella. Stella initially refuses too, until Alberta tells her that if she dies, Stella will take the blame for everything and she’ll be either locked up or executed at the gallows. She tries one final push, telling her that her mother and papa would be ashamed if Stella lets her die. Stella offers her hand to Alberta. Alberta grabs it and pulls her off the roof.
Stella ends up clinging to Alberta’s feet. Alberta, looking down at her niece, tells her that if she can’t have Saxby Hall, then no one else should either. She lets go of the gutter. As they fall, Wagner saves Stella, leaving Alberta to fall to her death. However, a giant pile of snow breaks her fall. Alberta continues her pursuit, whilst Wagner flies off to the forest to call the owls nearby. Alberta pulls a flail from her inside pocket and attempts to kill Stella one final time. Stella pleads for her life, but just as Alberta can bring the flail down on her, Wagner and the forest owls arrive. They pick up Alberta and carry her high into the night sky, and on Wagner’s command, drop Alberta to her death, ending her threat for good.
True to her father’s wishes, Saxby Hall is turned into an orphanage, leaving Aunt Alberta’s plans in vain.
Heinous Standard
Bar none. Of all the characters in the story, Alberta is by far the most evil. The only one who could compare to her is Wagner, but even then he was just following orders and redeems himself by helping Stella defeat her.
I can't exactly compare her heinousness against previous Walliams villains, since it's never mentioned if his stories take place in the same universe.
Mitigating Factors?
None. Whilst she may have care for Wagner, she only views him as a weapon and cares for him only so that he will he serve her longer. And she's still willing to shoot him as part of her overarching plan for her owl museum. Whilst she may show some care towards Stella, it's not genuine, and it's only done to keep her alive so she can sign the deeds.
Even then, it doesn’t change the fact that she tried to wipe out the rest of her bloodline just to get the deeds to the estate. Whilst she does have comedic moments, she's still taken seriously in the story.
Verdict
Yes.